Musings on Art, Life & Faith

Book List 2025

It’s now January 2026. I have officially been blogging for oh, a while now. Six years? Sort of, anyway. I know I haven’t written a lot lately mostly because of one word: Twins. My babies keep me busy. And of course, my business keeps me busy too. I still love writing. I always will, but babies come first at this point in my life (And probably the rest of my life too, ha!).

Saying that, I have had plenty of time to read, if not write. While watching my babies in the living room I’m always reading something. So what did I read in 2025? Ah, glad you asked. Read on.

Twinsight – Dana Lovitaz. I told my sister I was reading this book and she was impressed that I was already reading a book on ‘how to raise emotionally healthy twins’. I said it was never too early. This was a very good book and I would say a must-read for any parent of multiples. The author, who is a twin mom herself, interviewed adult twins and their experiences of being raised as a multiple as well as professional opinions on the subject. She also breaks down some myths regarding twins (ie, reading each other’s minds, twin language, etc). It really helped me and I feel more prepared to raise my boys in an emotionally healthier environment.

The Case for Christ – Lee Strobel. Should you read this book? Yes. I had heard of this book for a very long time and finally got around to reading it (Thank you, Little Free Library at a local parish). For those who are believers in Christ it will strengthen your faith. For those who are curious about Jesus, it will breakdown pretty much all your barriers to believing in Him. Watch out: If you are not a Christian before reading this book, I can almost guarantee you will be after you finish reading this book.

Only The Beautiful – Susan Meissner. Wow. I read this book while I was pregnant (Before losing my Sprinkle baby) and it seemed very timely for me. Apparently the author is a Christian, but writes mainstream fiction (Thank you!). I read this book in a weekend it was so engrossing. I was looking forward to reading more by this author, but I started one later in the year (A Map to Paradise — not listed) and couldn’t finish it. Only The Beautiful I would highly recommend; anything else by this author…well, not sure.

Sacred Rest – Saundra Dalton-Smith. Good. This one has been around lately, as in, I’ve heard it recommended several places, which is why I was curious to read it. I found it insightful and helpful in choosing to rest throughout the day, not just when I sleep.

Join The Brand – Norty Cohen. Business book. Honestly, not my speed. I had to force myself to read it.

The Plan – Kendra Adachi. I liked this book a lot better than Kendra Adachi’s book The Lazy Genuis Way. In fact, I read The Plan at a time when it was much needed in my life and gave me a new outlook on planning (Ah, what else?) and lifestyle and how my days are ordered. This truly is a more compassionate time management book and I would definitely recommend it, especially if you are female.

A Battle Worth Fighting – Sarah Hanks. Favorite book so far by this author.

The Beatles, The Bible and Bodega Bay – Ken Mansfield. Some friends had given me this book when it first came out (Early 2000s) and I had read bits and pieces of it, but not cover to cover until this year. 🙂 Anyone who is a believer in Jesus and loves the Beatles as well will find Ken Mansfield’s recollection of working for Apple very refreshing. The only hard part for me in reading this book is that he loves (Loves) alliterations and poetic phrasing, so personally it was a little hard to grasp some of what he was saying. I had to re-read some parts of a few times to understand his meaning.

Up From Dust – Heather Kaufman. Very engaging retelling of the Mary and Martha story from the Bible. Obviously, some of it is made up — artistic license is very heavy in the first part of the book — but also some of it is also true to the Biblical account. So, if you like artistic retellings of Biblical stories, you’d like this one. I am looking forward to reading the two other books in this series.

The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgen Burnett. Classic. And I read it in the Springtime, so it was a very beautiful way for me to celebrate the coming of a new season.

Dave Barry Slept Here – Dave Barry. A history of the United States up until the early 1990’s by the comedian Dave Barry. I read this aloud with my husband and we both got a good laugh out of it. Especially the ‘Hawley-Smoot Tariff’, which was very timely considering what was going on politically in 2025 (Uh, tariffs).

Keep Going – Austin Kleon. Very encouraging to my artistic and creative brain. In fact, I made a little book from his main points and stuck it in my journal for me to remember.

Arkansas – Christine Lynxwiler. Oh, boy…cheesy Christian fiction at it’s best. But it was a light read during the summer for me while I was putting my babies to sleep for nap time.

She Sheds – Erika Kotite. I made me want a she shed (But I also don’t want to spend the money for one…)

Postively, Penelope – Pepper Basham. A fiction book written almost entirely through text, phone and emails. Very cleverly done and cute. Second book in a series.

Authentically, Izzy – Pepper Basham. Same as above, the first in the series by Pepper Basham. Again, clever, cute and I would read it again.

Restore My Soul – Janice McWilliams. If I had to pick ONE book to recommend out of all the books I read this year THIS ONE would be it. I found this at my local library (Where else?!) and it may have changed my life…in a good way. A very practical and beautiful book by a therapist who takes a new and fresh take on self-care by looking at the life of Jesus. So very, very good and I am wholeheartedly indebted to the author for taking time to write and publish this book.

The World of Laura Ingalls Wilder – Marta MacDowell. This book was much thicker than I anticipated! However, it was very beautifully done with lots of pictures and fascinating history and insights into the world of Laura Ingalls Wilder and the places she lived.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – C. S. Lewis. The scene where Aslan turns Eustace from a dragon back into a little boy. Enough said.

Loyally, Luke – Pepper Basham. Gotta finish the series. This one was my least favorite and a little over the top, but sweet.

New To You – Melody Fortier. A book on finding and wearing vintage clothing.

The Curated Closet – Anuska Rees. This is not just a book you read, this is a book you do. The last year or two I’ve really wanted to find more of my own personal clothing style and just clothes in general (Hence the reading of How to Get Dressed by Allison Freer in 2024 and New to You). This book was so, so helpful in pin-pointing clothes I like, styles I like, even fabric, materials and much more. In fact, I liked this book so much that I bought my own copy and that is saying a lot. This would be my second top book recommendation of the year (After Restore My Soul)

Crooked Adam – D. E. Stevenson. Re-read by one of my favorite authors.

Superbloom – Nicholas Carr. My neighbor started a book club and this was the first book we read. This is a very dense book. Written in 2025 it goes through the history of communication to our current state of social media, internet access and AI and how it tears us apart as a society rather than bringing us together. News Flash: More communication isn’t exactly a good thing. This was a heavy book, but well worth the read.

Sarah, Plain and Tall – Patricia MacLachlan. A classic children’s book. An easy end-of-summer read. It had been a while since I read it and wanted to read something very simple, but also beautiful and heart-warming.

My grandpa’s 1969 Masters of Sacred Theology Thesis. Yes. You read that right. My grandpa on my mother’s side was a Presbyterian minister and had about five different college degrees to his name. I started this book the first week of January 2025 and I read it off and on throughout the year. This book was theologically heavy and is based on the first chapter of John’s gospel which focuses on Jesus becoming flesh and learning from His ‘authentic existence’.

Julie – Catherine Marshall. Re-read. And then I got into the real events of the Johnstown Flood that inspired the story…

Remembering the Good Times – Richard Peck. A teenage novel by a man who wrote lots of novels for teens, haha. When I worked at the library in the mid-1990’s I shelved a lot of his books but never ended up reading one until this year. I liked it, but it was also sad.

Breaking the Patterns that Break You – Tori Hope Petersen. Another book club book with my neighbor. This one was a lot easier to read than Superbloom! I really liked Tori Hope Petersen’s fresh and honest writing and she had a lot of good things to say. I am wanting to read her first book Fostered. She is an adoptee and foster mom and since I am an adoptive mom I really like hearing other people’s stories of adoption and fostering.

Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti – Bill and Pam Farrell. I feel like this is a classic Christian couples book that I just got around to reading this year. While some of it was par for the course, this book gave me new language to express myself to my husband, especially when unexpected stress hits. Before reading this book I always felt frustrated on how to communicate to Adam when I felt overwhelmed or when stressful situations happened. Now I say, ‘Meatball!!’ and he understands (Now you have to read the book to understand!).

The Roof – Ken Mansfield. Another book by Ken Mansfield. In this one he relives the final Beatles live performance: The Rooftop Concert. He does take some of his first book (Beatles, Bible and Bodega Bay) and adds it in to this one, but this book was mostly new content and I enjoyed reading it. Again, as a believer in Jesus and also a Beatle fan I really enjoy his take. He wraps things up very nicely at the end and, yeah, the ending made me happy. 🙂

Between Moonlight and Starlight – A. A. Akibibi. Another young adult space adventure book by my cousin, but it’s still in the works! Jon let me read his first draft of Between Moonlight and Starlight and I was able to give him feedback. I must say, I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to it coming out in paperback and owning my own copy.

———–

Total count of books I read in 2025 is 32.

I’ve also read over 500 baby board books to my twins with a lot of repeats. Do those count too?

Pick a Date, Any Date

I haven’t published anything since April of this year. April? April. Which, basically means, I haven’t been writing. What have I been doing? Well…really, running after two toddlers. 🙂 It’s a fun life. It’s a mom life. It’s my life as it is right now.

It’s been a weird year. A weird, weird year. And it isn’t over yet, so who knows what’s coming down the line in the next couple of months. 2025, are we done yet?

I told my husband, and some friends, that I feel like right now I’m living a nightmare of random arbitrary dates that don’t mean anything. Let me recap.

January of this year I went to get a colonoscopy. A routine colonoscopy screening because I turned 45 last year and that’s what you do. So I booked it for January 27th. I wasn’t looking forward to it and I had had a colonoscopy in 2014, so I knew what to expect, but I just wanted to get it over with and move on with life. There I am, in the hospital bed, ready to be wheeled into the procedure room when the doctor comes in a tells me that my (Required) pregnancy test came back positive. Uh, what??

Uh, what?? So they did a blood test just to confirm. Yep, it also came back positive. Uh, what? I’m pregnant? Come again? After being married for 8 years and having struggled with infertility all of those years, having adopted our twin boys ten months earlier…I’m now pregnant…at 45?

So, no colonoscopy that day. My husband and I went home in a daze and later that day I booked an ultrasound for about six weeks out.

Long story, and more than enough doctors appointments later, I had a miscarriage on March 19th. I did it naturally, starting at home, but ended up going to the Women’s Evaluation Unit at the hospital because I was in so much pain and needed medical intervention.

I found out I was pregnant staring at a hospital ceiling and lost my baby staring at a hospital ceiling.

The miscarriage started a round of weekly blood draws for about six weeks just to make sure my HCG levels were going down appropriately. This took me until about the beginning of May.

Towards the beginning of May we had a virtual ‘case management’ meeting with our adoption attorney, the judge on our adoption case and the two attorneys for the birth father. Our adoption of the twins has had some hiccups and we’ve been in a very long process of trying to bring things to finalization. During the meeting we decided on a date of Sept. 5th as an all-day trial and hearing for our case. I wasn’t too happy about having to wait all summer, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.

At the end of May (May 27th, to be exact) my husband, I and our two babies were taking a walk one evening, which is our normal and routine thing to do in the evening and on weekends. We were walking in our urban neighborhood and were about six blocks away from our house. My husband was pushing the twins in their stroller and were a little bit ahead of me. All of a sudden we heard dogs barking from inside a house and before we knew what was happening three big dogs came rushing out of said house, broke through their front gate and came running at us full speed, barking the whole time. One of the dogs charged me and as I put up my arm to protect my face the dog bit my arm (Read: Clamped down on my forearm with his very strong jaws). I was on the sidewalk, backed up against a parked car. Thankfully the dog just bit and let go (Rather than biting and dragging, or biting and holding on or biting and tearing) and by that time one of the owners had come out of the house and was able to corral the dogs and get them back inside.

I was in a state of shock. I stood there, holding my arm up, almost hypervenilating. I couldn’t talk. I saw blood trickle down the back of my forearm, felt my arm start to swell. The owner of the dogs came out of the house, grabbed my good arm, and propelled me across the street to her neighbor’s house, where she yelled for her to bring some iodine and a bandage. The neighbor did and doused my arm with the idoine and they wrapped a make shift bandage around my arm. I still couldn’t talk. Adam and the babies had followed me across the street. I sat on the neighbor’s front steps, holding my arm up, watching it swell, and gritting my teeth against the pain. The babies were in the stroller with me in the yard while Adam ran home, calling Urgent Care and our own neighbors, on the way. While we waited for Adam to come back with our car, the dog owner kept apologizing profusely to me and ended up giving me her name and number and told me that she would pay all my medical bills.

Adam came back with our car to get me and the babies, we dropped the babies off at our neighbor’s and he drove me to Urgent Care, where I was treated. How many times this year have I stared at the ceiling of a medical facility? The medical technicians washed the bite, gave me morphine (Pointless), gave me a tetnus shot and put me on a 10 day round of 875 mg of amoxicillin with 25 mg of clavulanic acid.

Thankfully, the dog bite was just two, fairly clean, pucture wounds, one on the top of my left forearm, the other on the bottom of the same forearm. They were deep, but didn’t get the muscle. The one on bottom took about two weeks to heal, and still, even now, my arm will be sore if it’s pushed on the wrong way (Which happens more often than you think; I have toddlers). It took me about five full days after the dog bite for my brain to realize that I survived being attacked by dogs and that I was still alive. I told Adam that and he said, ‘That’s the trauma part’. And it’s true. Even now, four months later, I have residual trauma when I go for walks in our neighborhood and see dogs (Even with owners, even on a leash).

With a surprise pregnancy, subsequent miscarriage and a traumatizing dog bite on the record for this year, come Summer I felt a little on edge and also flat out exhaused — emotionally, physically and mentally. Adam and I were able to go on a short trip to Cancun for four days (While my in-laws watched the twins), to try and relax. It was a nice trip; I didn’t have to cook or listen to fussy toddlers for three whole days (I love you, D & B). I literally just laid on a beach and did Absolutely Nothing.

Less than a week after coming back from our vacation I woke up not feeling the greatest. I pushed through the day. My tummy hurt. About 5 o’clock on July 16th I had the babies in the kitchen in their little booster seats eating dinner and I took a pillow and a blanket and laid on the kitchen floor, curled up, watching them eat. I had told Adam I didn’t feel the greatest and he came home early and when he did I went to bed, until getting sick, sick, sick that night. The next day I laid in bed all day. I thought it was just a 24 hour stomach bug, but I had a Really Hard Time recovering. Five days later my stomach still felt nauseous. I could eat hardly anything, just tried to drink lots of fluids. I pushed through several more days of not feeling quite right and finally went to urgent care (Again?!). They diagnosed me with traveler’s diarrhea and gave me a three day round of antibiotic.

Whether I actually had traveler’s diarrhea from being on vacation or not I don’t know, but the antibiotic seemed to help and was the turning point in feeling better. I had eaten almost nothing for two weeks and even when I started to recover it took me another two or so weeks for my tummy to regulate back to digesting food properly. I had rescheduled my routine colonoscopy for mid-August (Because that still needed to happen) and when the nurse weighed me before the procedure I was 120 lbs. I thought their scale was off. Normally I’m about 130 – 135 lbs, so I knew their scale wasn’t correct. The next day realized that I probably was 120 lbs because I hadn’t eaten anything in almost a month, not to mention colonoscopy prep work. *face palm* Oh.

Over the summer I had scheduled the babies to have a chordee repair and circumscision surgery on August 26th. This was done after their 15 month pediatrician appointment in May and after finding out that the twins Medicaid had been stopped (No one told us this at their pediatrician appointment. Huh?). I was able to get the babies back on Medicaid and then schedule their surgery. We wanted their surgery done with before our Sept 5th court date.

While I was still recovering from my tummy thing the babies got an extremely mild case of Hand, Foot and Mouth. We made a pointless trip to the ER because one of the twins had some shallow, rapid breathing and a low grade fever so the nurse at the pediatrician office told me to go to the ER. They did absolutely nothing for him at the ER other than give him some Tylenol (Which I could have done at home and had, in fact, already done), some Magic Mouthwash for the sores in his mouth and a popsicle. A popsicle?? *eye roll* Of course, the second twin benefitted from a popsicle as well because he was along for the ride.

The ER visit happened about ten days before they were scheduled to have their chordee repair surgery. When I had scheduled the surgery back in July the lady I talked to said I would be getting a lot of phone calls the week before the surgery to tell me what to do to get the twins prepped for their procedure. The week leading up to their surgery I didn’t receive any calls, which I thought was a little odd, but knew someone would definitely be calling me the day before the surgery to tell us when to arrive. The morning before their procedure arrived and no one had called me. SO…around noon that day I called the surgery scheduler to make sure that they were still on the books for the next day. Had I gotten the date wrong?

Oh, no, I hadn’t gotten the date wrong…the surgery had been cancelled…AND NO ONE TOLD ME.

NO ONE TOLD ME.

NO.

ONE.

TOLD.

ME.

I was beyond furious.

Why? Why was it cancelled? Uh…because the babies had Hand, Foot and Mouth and we went to the ER (For literally no reason).

But BECAUSE the nurse at the ER diagnosed both babies with HFM she emailed their surgery scheduler to have their surgery cancelled — WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING TO ME.

NOTHING. Not a word.

And the surgery scheduler didn’t tell me either. I asked her, ‘Was someone supposed to tell me it was cancelled?’

Her response? ‘Oh, I was. I’m sorry about that’.

That’s it? That’s all the apology I’m going to receive??? She didn’t even sound apologetic. I practically threw my phone and screamed after hanging up.

As you may be able to tell, I’m still a little miffed.

Is it common procedure to NOT tell the parents that their child’s surgery has been cancelled?? (Or to not tell parents that their child’s Medicaid had been cancelled??)

It’s not 2020 anymore, people.

The scheduler was trying to get the babies back on the schedule for the next day, but wasn’t able to get around the ER’s diagnosis. So, we rescheduled for the beginning of October. I put the new date on my calendar with question marks after it.

Around the same time I found out the babies surgery had been cancelled, we got a notice from our adoption attorney saying that the birth father’s lawyer had made a motion to continue the case; to push back our Sept 5th hearing to a later date. We found out the day after Labor Day (Sept 2nd) that the lawyer’s motion had been granted.

We waited all summer for our Sept 5th trial to come…and it didn’t happen.

So now we have a new court date towards the end of November.

I put it on my calendar with a lot of question marks after it.

Maybe I’m learning that dates really don’t mean anything. Maybe there are just moments in life.

Or maybe I just feel like I’m living a nightmare of random, arbitrary dates that don’t mean ANYTHING.

Now, sitting here on the last day of September, I’m thinking: If this year had gone differently I would be thirty-eight weeks pregnant and about to have a baby in two weeks. The twins surgery and our court date would have happened already.

And the dog bite? My sickness? HFM?

Well, some things just happen.

Regular vs. Daily

A couple of weeks ago my friend and I were conversing about the topic of journaling. She mentioned that journaling was something that she did not do because she felt like she had to write every day and if she didn’t write on a daily basis she would feel guilty. In order to not feel guilty about not doing it she simply just didn’t do it.

My response was that there was a big difference between doing something on a regular basis vs. on a daily basis. I have been journaling for over thirty years, but by no means have I journaled Every. Single. Solitary. Day for over thirty years. No. No way. No how. Just no. For me, and maybe for many of us out there who love to journal, that’s not how a regular practice of journaling works.

Quite honestly, I don’t know anyone in the history of the entire world who journaled on a daily basis except perhaps, oh…Leonardo DaVinci? And even then maybe not even him.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to journal every day, but why hold yourself to such a high standard?

Perhaps trying to do anything on a daily basis, such as start a new habit, or trying to form too many new habits at the same time, takes the fun out of it. You feel behind before you even start. You feel guilty, like my friend.

My thought is that when you feel guilty about not doing something then your motivation to actually do it is zero. If your motivation is nonexistent it can then lead to a mental and emotional spiral and you end up feeling like a terrible person for really no good reason. Let me tell you, feel guilty about not journaling every day is not a good reason to feel bad about yourself. When it comes to journaling and/or creating new habits, forget about the daily.

For me, my journaling has looked different throughout different parts of my life. I started when I was about eight, very randomly and sporatically. If there was something I found of note I would write it down (Such as days I went to my grandparents house or writing what we did on our family reunion). When I was eleven I started being more intentional about writing regularly and even asked for an American Girl journal for Christmas — and received it — so I could journal. I started the year 1991 out writing every day, but then gradually tapered off. The first half of the year I wrote a lot, the second half, well, not so much. Yet that year really marked the beginning of my journal habit. The next year I had a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper and loose notebook pages as my journal and was much more consistent in my writing, a practice that continues to this day. But even then I still didn’t write every day and I still don’t. When I was a teenager I wrote almost every day because I had more time on my hands (Hi, I was homeschooled). When I was single I wrote more than I do now, again, because of other demands on my time. A couple of years ago when I was working at a warehouse job I wrote on Tuesdays and Fridays because those were my days off. Now it seems I write about once a week.

Maybe it is just the season of life I am in, but I rarely do anything on a daily basis besides, oh, brush my teeth, sleep, eat and get dressed. You know, basic life stuff. I don’t even drive every day. Perhaps that is because most of my days are filled up with looking after two small (Almost) toddlers, but to hold myself to doing anything on a daily basis at this moment in my life just isn’t going to happen.

When it comes to developing healthy habits, or doing things that we want to do but just don’t seem to have time for, we need to give ourselves grace. Being gracious to ourselves and realizing that we can’t do everything we want to do or feel like we should can be freeing.

If you want to add something new to your routine, try doing it once a week or even once a month. I recently started drinking a tablespoon or two of apple cider vinegar in the mornings for health reasons; it’s a regular habit, not a daily one.

Other habits I partake in that are a regular part of my life, but don’t do every day are: Yoga (About once a week), a walk with the twins (Once or twice a week), reading my Bible (Two or three times a week), my physical therapy exercises (If I get three or four times a week that’s really good), creating mixed media art for fun (Once or twice a week), writing a blog (Once or twice a month). Theses are things that I like to do that give me some purpose, enjoyment in life and a sense of personal fulfillment. There are other things I do as well, but again, none of them are a daily practice.

For you my friends, are there things you do every day but feel like you can’t keep up? Are areas in your life that you need to give yourself grace in? Are there things you want to do but don’t do them because you think you have to do them every day? Are there habits you try to do daily but feel like you miss the mark on so many of them? Of these habits which ones are most important to you and which ones can you set aside for now? Can any of the things you want to do be a regular, ie once a week or once a month, practice instead of a daily one?

I hope these words encourage to you give yourself grace in your life and habits and also to encourage you to release some of the expectations you put on yourself. Let some things go. It’s ok.

Twin Life

I have been a mom of twins for a whole year now. Thirteen months today to be exact. It has been an interesting and wild ride this past year, to say the least. My journey to motherhood has not been an easy one. It has been long; full of questions and doubts and wondering and faith and surrender. And yet, despite the long road to becoming parents, our twin boys have now been in our care for over a year.

I love it. I love being a mom of twins. I love having two babies to take care of. It is challenging, no doubt, but parenthood has its fair share of challenges and demands no matter if you have one child or sixteen. Caring for another human is not easy. It’s hard and tiring and yet there I am rewarded everyday by sweet snuggles, giggles, smiles and pictures perfect moments in between the dirty diapers, crying, naptimes and food being thrown all over the floor. I may be an ‘older’ mom, one that has come into motherhood in her forties, but I feel like that is becoming more and more the norm. Also, I am ok with this. My life is different than yours and yours is different than mine. We are each walking our own path. I don’t know any different than what I’ve experienced!

I also don’t know any different than being a mom of twins. I don’t know what it’s like to have just one baby to take care of. Let me tell you though, there are unique aspects to parenting twins. Over the past year whenever we’ve gone somewhere, whether it’s on a walk around the neighborhood, to church, the inevitable Target run, the grocery store, farmer’s market or wherever we happen to be going, I’ve gotten very used to people exclaiming, ‘Twins!’ or a version there of. For example:

‘Are they twins?!’

‘You have twins!’

‘There’s two babies!’

And then the questions and conversations start.

‘Are they identical?’

‘My mom is a twin!’

‘I have twins, but they’re XYZ old now’.

‘I want twins!’.

‘That’s what I need. Twins!’ (Yes, someone said that).

Or even, ‘Theyr’e so good! They’re so sweet. They’re adorable’, and on and on it goes.

Being a twin mom opens you up to the whole wide world of, well, twins. It’s a thing. It really, really is. Everywhere we go we hear twin stories. One lady said her mom had three sets of twins, she had two sets of twins and her daughter had one set of twins. Another man said that he had thirty sets of twins in his family. Like I said, it’s a thing.

I’ve gotten used to taking the twins grocery shopping with me, so today during our weekly Aldi visit it turned into a social hour. The usual checkout guy was there and he said jokingly, ‘Oh, I know you guys. I know your tricks!’. The firemen usually make a trip to Aldi around the same time we do, so our local firemen have gotten to know the twins. ‘One is usually talking and the other is looking around’, one of them said. The other said, ‘The twins!’, as if he was looking forward to seeing them. As I was bagging our groceries up there was even a lady who said to the twins, ‘I remember you! You were here last week when I was here’ and proceeded to chat. I didn’t know life with twins would attract so much attention from strangers!

Maybe this is just life with babies or children in general; kids are cute and fun and are always doing and saying funny things everywhere they go. Somehow though, I feel it’s elevated when you have two babies that look the same. Ah, twin life.

Questions to Ask Yourself While Shopping

Before I dive into to the heart of this post I am going to preface this by saying I am not ‘a shopper’ and that shopping is one of my least favorite activities. If I go shopping it is because I need something, ie, like groceries or household items. I like to get in, get what I need and get out. Now, if you want to stop reading right here, please feel free. If you are ‘a shopper’, and you probably know who you are, then you will most likely not agree with anything I say in this essay. If you’re curious though, then by all means, keep on reading.

Even though I just said I do not like shopping, which is true, I do, on occasion, enjoy window shopping or browsing, especially thrift stores. Also, I can talk myself out of buying anything (Which is not necessarily a good thing).

All that being said, read on.

Questions to Ask Yourself While Shopping and Points to Remember

One. Do I need it?

Two. If I do need it, where will it live in my house?

Three. Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean I need to buy it. There will always, always, always be another sale.

Four. If it is something I need and it’s on sale, so much the better. Case study: Adam and I needed a new toaster last year. We went to Target to buy one. Did we buy the one that was on sale? You bet we did.

Five. Repeat: Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean I need to buy it. Or gift it to someone.

Six. In the case of clothes: Does it fit? Is it my style? Is it my color? Do I like the pattern? Can I return it? Note: I did not ask ‘Is it in style?’, I asked, ‘Is it my style?’

Seven. In the case of household or decor items some similiar questions: Most importantly, Do I need it? What problem it going to solve for me? Is it my style? (See note in Question Six). Do I like the color or pattern? Also, Go Big. Decor or household items that are small tend to get swallowed up in the grand scheme of things. Nothing wrong with some smaller to compliment the big pieces, but if you Go Big then you need less (Also, did I mention I hate clutter?)

Eight. I find that for me personally if I am window shopping and I see something I like (Yes, I said like, not necessarily need) I am happier with my spur-of-the-moment purchases rather than if I go out shopping looking for specific things (Barring groceries or the Target run to get toothpaste and diapers). I will say that this mode of thinking helps when thrifting, not necessarily if you’re just killing time at your local Kohl’s (Remember: There will ALWAYS be another sale).

Nine. Just because it’s on sale, doesn’t mean you need it. Or have to buy it. Just because it’s cheap, doesn’t mean it’s quality. Some things are best left on the shelf. Repeat after me: Some things are left on the shelf (In fact, most things are).

Ten. Buying on price is not necessarily the best. Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean it’s good. Case study: My husband Adam bought a make-your-own boxed potato salad at Aldi once because it was 10 cents. I made it for our lunch one day. I took one bit and nearly spit it out. I may have gagged. Somehow, someway Adam ate the rest of it over the week. I asked him how he got it down and he couldn’t give me a clear answer.

To wrap up this post, the most important question to ask yourself while shopping is: Do I need it?

Also, why am I buying it? I am I buying just to buy? What am void am I trying to fill in my life? Am I going shopping to just fill time?

And Points to Remember: Cheap doesn’t always mean good. There will always be another sale. Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you have to buy it.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. And you could save yourself a boat load of cash.

When the World says ‘More. Give me more, more, more’, Jesus responds and says, ‘I am the More’.

When the World says, ‘You need to do more, be more…more than what you are. More than what you can do now, more than who you are now’, Jesus says, ‘I am Enough.’

Jesus says, ‘Rest in Me’.

When the World says, ‘You need a bigger, better house, a better car, a bigger, better career, a better family, a better spouse, more cash, more money, more experience, you need to buy more, more, more, more’, Jesus says, ‘I am the More’.

When you feel exhausted from the More that the World is telling you you need, come to Jesus who say, ‘Rest in Me. I am All you need.’

The World will always take more from you. It will always demand more from you. It will always tell you that you cannot rest. There is always more to do, more to buy, more to see, more to read, more to be.

The World tells you that you are not enough; your efforts are not enough. You fall short. You need to do more, to be better at what you do. Be faster, be slower, be more careful, be louder, be softer, be kinder, be more loving, be, be, be, do, do, do.

Jesus says, ‘Rest. Peace. Cease’.

He says, ‘Come to Me all you who labor and are weary and I will give you rest for your soul’.

He says, ‘Cease from all your striving. I am the Author of Life. I am in control. I am with you’.

A couple of weeks ago my life seemed to turn upside down. For myself. For my husband. I don’t want to go into details in this post – one day perhaps – but let’s just say our life seemed to change in an instant. I will say, though, that what happened wasn’t a bad thing. Yet the things I thought I knew about life, how I thought I was in control, how I thought I knew where I was going in life, my plans, my dreams, all seemed to vanish. Since then, striving has left me. The striving, the doing, the going, the control, the plans, the ideas of how I thought this year, and the next and the next and so on, would go, all disappeared. I stopped. Since then I have no motivation to do anything. I feel lackluster…on a soul level. Again, what happened a couple of weeks ago, wasn’t bad. No, no, not bad. Just unexpected.

And now, this is where I am. ‘What now? What now? What now?’, I feel myself saying to myself. ‘What now?’ What about the things I wanted to do? What about the things I at least thought I wanted to do? What about the things I valued, or thought I valued?

A re-evaluation in life, an unexpected plot twist, isn’t necessarily the worst thing to face. In fact, it can be very good. It can strip you of the striving, of having to be the person in charge. It can look like surrendering to God’s bigger plan. It can look like ceasing of pointless activity that only made you feel good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself is a fine thing, but if you’re only exhausting yourself in the long run doing those activities, it really is pointless.

Jesus says, ‘Come to Me all you who labor and are weary and I will give you rest for your soul’.

With Jesus, He gives us more, more than we can even ask or imagine. And with His More, the More that He gives, comes life and peace and rest.

Can I Be My Own Hero?

It’s ten-thirty on a Wednesday morning. All is quiet in the house. The twins are taking a nap. I am having a late morning cup of caffeinated black tea. I hear the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen and the furnance just went off. I’m wearing my husband’s house slippers because I don’t feel like running upstairs to get mine. I want to write instead. And so I am.

Sometimes I feel like my own hero. Is that ok?

Last Sunday we got a big snow. About eight inches. The grocery stores were crazy crowded on Friday and Saturday, everyone stocking up on their French Toast supplies (Bread, eggs and milk) and possibly some other items. This is typical for a Midwestern snow forecast. ‘We’re going to get snowed in! The weatherman is predicting anywhere from 5 – 12 inches! We all have to run to the store and panic buy!’. Because, of course, we all know, you can’t drive to the store in snow. 😉

It snowed Saturday night through till Monday night, so Adam and I and the babies did not go anywhere on Sunday. Church moved their services online and we all just hunkered down, stayed cozy at home and looked at the pretty snow. To a point. My husband likes to shovel, so he was out shoveling our sidewalk and front stairs and then he took the twins out later that afternoon, all bundled up.

On Monday Adam went to work and I stayed home. He said the main roads were mostly clear, but the side streets, like the one we live on, were not. On Tuesday Adam dug my car out of the snow. I stayed home on that day because I didn’t have anywhere I needed to go and I didn’t want to take the babies out unnecessarily. Besides, even though Adam had shoveled our stairs and sidewalk, they were still icy. I started to feel like a caged animal by the afternoon, pacing back and forth from the kitchen to the living room and back again as the babies played in the living room. I did things, like pack away our Christmas decorations, tidied up the basement, took the trash to the dumpster and such, but after being in the house for three days I was over it. I needed to get out.

When Adam got home last night we discussed my caged animal feeling and decided I would venture to the grocery story in the morning.

I should insert here that I had not, up to that point, ever taken the twins grocery shopping by myself.

It felt like a big endeavor, but I was determined not to spend another day pacing around the house listening to whiny babies fuss at me. I love my babies, but they do whine.

This morning before Adam left for work we got the babies up, fed, dressed and in their coats, hats and mittens. I got on my boots, coat, scarf and hat. My car was parked halfway up the block, so I gingerly took one baby down our icy steps — holding on the rail with one hand (Am I nuts?!) — and carefully made my way through the snow to my car. Adam followed with the other baby. We got them in their car seats, I defrosted my windshield and went to start driving, but my wheels got stuck in the snow and I couldn’t go anywhere. Thankfully Adam hadn’t left for work yet, so I called him and he came with his little red shovel and rescued us. He eventually got us unstuck and we were off on our grocery store adventure.

Sometimes I feel like my own hero. Is that ok?

I drove through the packed snow on our city side street to the clearer roads and on to the grocery store, which is really only less than five minutes from our house. The store’s parking lot was relatively clear(ish) and it was like 8:45a in the morning, so not a whole lot of people were around. I parked close to a cart corral and grabbed a cart. I left one baby in his car seat and put him in the back of the cart. The other baby I put in the front of the cart, sitting. He was wide-eyed, looking all around. This was a new experience for him!

I plowed over the snowy parking lot with the cart to clearer pavement and on into the store where I grabbed the few items I needed at the store, including the babies prescriptions from the pharmacy. The babies were very patient at the store and didn’t fuss at all.

‘Can I be my own hero?’, I thought to myself as I navigated the store. I’m just a wife and mom. I’m not a famous writer, I don’t have a podcast and I am not a speaker at conferences. I don’t have some great ministry that helps millions of people around the globe. I don’t travel the world painting European landmarks. I don’t have thousands of social media followers and I am, most likely, not anyone’s favorite artist. I am just a mom who is braving the grocery story with her almost ten month old twins in snowy conditions on a Wednesday morning. And yet, can I be my own hero?

After checking out at the store I loaded the babies back in the car and drove home. There was a parking spot right in front of our house, and I took it, thankfully. It took me three trips from the car to the house to unload each baby and then go back for the groceries, taking care not to slip on the ice.

By this point, the babies were hungry and crying, and as I stood in the doorway of our house, grocery bags in hand, they came crawling over to me…and in that moment, being a wife and a mom, I also felt like the queen of England.

Who cares if I don’t have a podcast or am a published author? Who cares if I don’t speak at conferences or am anyone’s favorite artist? I am me. Hannah, wife, mom and hero to my two little babies, who at that moment, were looking solely to me to satisfy their baby needs in the form of warm milk, full tummies and a good long nap.

Sometimes I feel like I need to do more or be more than I am. There is a book called The Search for Significance which I’ve owned for years, but have never read. The title popped out at me the other day as I was browsing my bookshelves; maybe this is the year I need to read it. Are we all just looking for significance…in the form of our careers? By what we do everyday? By being someone’s favorite artist? By the things we own or what we buy? By working hard? Can we not find our significance in the little things in life…by simply being a parent, taking our babies to the grocery store for the first time by ourselves, or just by being the person God made us to be…with out all the extra fluff of stuff? Without all the striving? There is a simplicity and a beauty in every day life. You don’t have to be someone famous or do anything remarkable to live a life of significance. You literally just have to be.

Sometimes I feel like my own hero. Like today.

For you, my friend. Is there something in your life that you’ve done recently that may seem small, but to you was a milestone? Are you looking for significance in your career or what you possess, or in the little every day moments? Is there something you’ve done recently that you feel proud of accomplishing? Do you sometimes feel like your own hero?

You can be your own hero too. And it’s ok.

Book List: 2024

It’s almost a week into the new year and I am just now getting my annual book list written. This is what I read in 2024.

‘The Lean Startup’ by Eric Ries – This book had a lot of good business insights, but he also runs a tech company, so he uses a lot of techy jargon that was out of my sphere of knowledge and I didn’t really understand. The biggest thing I got out of this book was to, basically, try new things as fast as possible, so that you can see — as fast as possible — if it is going to work or not. If it works, you can then improve on it. If it doesn’t work, you can throw it out and try something else. But the point is, don’t spend a whole lot of time on something in the beginning that may not work for consumers (And therefore, your business).

‘All Things Bright And Beautiful’ by James Herriot – Adam and I love the PBS All Creatures Great And Small television show, so for Christmas 2023 Adam gave me the second book written by James Herriot. While the books are definitely different from the television series they do follow some of the original stories very well and are just as amusing and heartwarming and definitely worth a read.

‘Son’ by Lois Lowry – Beautiful. Can I say this is one book I wish I had written? This is the last book in The Giver quartet.

‘How Starbucks Saved My Life’ – by Michael Gates Gill – I had heard about this book for many years, but never got around to reading it until I picked up a copy from a Little Free Library back in January. I found this book an extremely fascinating and entertaining read. It’s an easy read and a highly engaging story about a high-end executive who gets let go from his job and ends up working for Starbucks as a barista to make ends meet. From my perspective as someone who has worked in a corporate cafe setting the author definitely gives a more romanticized view of working as a barista. It also gave me flashbacks to when I worked as a bakery opener/barista.

‘Free to Focus’ by Michael Hyatt – My idea was to read as many business books as I could this year. Ha. I think I read two. And then we adopted twins and that plan went out the widow. All that to say, this book was a book to help small businesses owners focus on their strengths and then to delete, automate or delegate everything else they need to do. Helpful in some ways, but also hard because I do everything in my business because it’s just…me.

‘The Lazy Genius Way’ by Kendra Adachi – The premise of this book is to help you organize your life and gives practical tips for creating a routine, batching tasks like laundry or kitchen duties. The author’s point is by organizing daily tasks and getting into a routine you will have more time for doing the things you want to do and putting everything else on autopilot. Her writing is engaging and relevant to life in the United States but I also wondered halfway through the book if she was OCD.

‘Messenger’ by Lois Lowry – This is the third book in The Giver quartet. One piece of the larger story. If I was going to rate The Giver Quartet by my favs I would do: 1. Son 2. The Giver 3. Messenger 4. Gathering Blue. That’s just my opinion.

‘Mercy Will Follow Me’ by Sarah Hanks – I really enjoy Sarah Hanks stories, this one inparticular I became quickly engrossed in, but I also feel like some of her characters are a little far fetched and on the whole need more development. She tends to be more plot-drive than character-drive and perhaps I personally enjoy more character-driven stories? I would recommend this book though. It’s worth a read and this is the first book in a series.

‘The Wishing Game’ by Meg Shaffer – Delightful and imaginative with a bit of romance thrown in, what’s not to love? Along the lines of The Night Circus, only not quite as intense. My only caveat would be that this is a modern novel and had a few things that were a little liberal for my taste. Other than that, loved it.

‘Come Down Somewhere’ by Jennifer L. Wright – Since I enjoyed ‘The Girl From The Papers’ by Wright I wanted to try another novel of hers. I found the plot to be intriguing (Atomic bomb testing in New Mexico in the 1940’s and the unlikely friendship of two young girls), but I felt it lacked…something…? This would be labeled in the Christian Fiction so maybe it lacked…depth?? After saying last year that I would read more by this author, I am now not so gung-ho to continue reading her novels.

‘The English Air’ by D.E. Stevenson – A re-read by a favorite author. I was reading this one when the twins were in the NICU in March and although I love D.E. Stevenson and I’ve read this story before it was kind of hard for me to get into.

‘Braving Strange Waters’ by Sarah Hanks – I was on the launch team for this new release by Sarah Hanks. This is split-time fiction, which I end to enjoy, but I think I like Hanks historical plot lines more than her modern plot lines. The story was a little unbelieveable too, if imaginative. The first in a series.

‘Becoming Myself’ by Stasi Eldredge – I started this book back in 2015 or 2016 and only got a couple of chapters in. This time I read to whole book and it may have been life-changing. Specificially written to Christian women, Eldredge has chapters on Friendships and the Mother Wound among other deep topics. A must read.

‘Deep Darkness‘ by A.A. Akibibi – The second book in the Deadly Rainbows series. Written by my cousin. 🙂 A space adventure for young middle-school boys. I enjoyed it.

‘Rekindled Love‘ by Nancy LoRusso – This book was written by someone that I used to go to church with. It is the story of her mother (Widowed and then divorced) who unexpectedly re-starts a friendship with a man she used to know when she was a teenager. Spoiler Alert: It has a happily ever after ending.

‘How To Get Dressed’ by Alison Freer – A must-have manual for all things style and clothing. I wrote a more in-depth blog about it here.

‘Created To Thrive’ by Matt Tommey – I’ve been following Matt Tommey and his Thriving Christian Artist ministry for the past few years. This book is defintely geared towards Christian artists and I found it had very helpful spiritual insights for creativity and growing in that. My caveat for this particular book is that I feel like his writing is has a more name-it-and-claim-it style and since he self-publishes his books my personal opinion is that they need some more professional editing. He also leans towards more prophetic writing too, so if that’s not your style, eh, skip it. I personally found the book helpful, but I also took some of what he was saying with a grain of salt.

‘The Lost Castle’ by Kristy Cambron – I’m always a little wary when the book falls into the Christian Fiction genre, but I give them a chance. This book definitely had some of the cheesiness associated with Christian fiction authors, but it also had some real historical depth and decent characters. This is the first in a series.

‘Strong Like Water’ by Aundi Kolber – This is Kolber’s latest book. I read her ‘Try Sofer’ book in 2023 and if I was to compare the two I would go for ‘Try Sofer’ any day. Not to say that ‘Strong Like Water’ wasn’t good, but I felt like she used more technical phrasing and words so it was a lot harder for me to follow what she was saying and to remember all the specific phrases and therapy exercises she was refering too.

‘The God of the Garden’ by Andrew Peterson – A new non-fiction release by Peterson. I really enjoy his down-to-earth style. Part autobiography and partly a book extolling the virtues of trees, I found his openness refreshing. I really relate to him as an artist, creative and contemplative.

‘Castle on the Rise’ by Kristy Cambron – The second book in the Lost Castle series. I enjoyed this story more than the first book. I found the series developed a lot more depth and character improvement. Split-time fiction.

‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ by Spencer Johnson – A classic business book that takes no more than 20 minutes to read from start to finish.

‘The Painted Castle’ by Kristy Cambron – If I’m going to read one book in the series I might as well read all of them and finish it up. The final book in the Lost Castle series. This one was by far my favorite. I really enjoyed the plot lines and characters much more than the other two books.

‘Splendid Light‘ by A.A. Akibibi – The last book in the Deadly Rainbows triology. This book gave me anxiety because of some of the scenes in the book. I also did not care for the ending because it seemed inconclusive, even though it was imaginative. That being said, I think that young readers will appreciate the final story of Sean’s space adventures.

‘All Creatures Great and Small’ by James Herriot – Having read the second book by James Herriot earlier this year, I decided to start at the beginning and read the first book, from which the television series is named. Another amusing and heartwarming book of veterinary tales from the Yorkshire Dales.

‘Tower Grove Park’ by Amada E. Doyle – Tower Grove Park is a South St. Louis city treasure. The land was donated to the city by Henry Shaw in the 1860’s who had a major hand in the planning and execution of the park. Tower Grove Park officially opened to the public in 1870 and has been a mainstay of St. Louis city life for 150 years. This book gives tribute to the history and modern day use of the park. For me the park has had a lot of meaning in my personal life and I wanted to dive into the history of how it came to be. This book did not disappoint.

‘Pride & Prejudice’ by Jane Austen – Classic and a re-read for me. I will admit that I really love watching the various movie versions of Austen’s books, but it was refreshing to read her story in it’s pure form.

There you have it, my friends. My Book List for 2024. Looking back it seems I read a lot of books that were part of a series. It was intentional to a point (As in, I wanted to read my cousin’s books and finish The Giver Quartet), but others it wasn’t intentional. Reading goals for 2025? Ah…to keep reading. 🙂

Does the Heart Heal?

Your body will heal,

She said.

My body, it will heal,

I repeat

to myself.

Yet I wonder:

The body heals, but

Does the soul?

The precision tools cut into

My skin, making a

Gash, a hole.

And I wonder:

The body heals, but

Does the heart?

Stitches are made

Where the hole

Is to help

The wound heal.

Stitching is familiar.

It is something I do, yet

I stitch fabric

Not flesh.

Fabric has no memory,

She said.

So stitch away, it

Doesn’t hurt.

Deep inside

I have

Memories for

I am flesh,

Not fabric.

Three years ago or thirty-

Three years ago;

Time melds together.

It doesn’t matter.

Does the heart ever heal?

Saw, blood, gurlings, panic.

I wore a candy store shirt.

Embarrassment,

Betrayal of

Innocence.

“I didn’t know they were going

To do that to me!”,

He cried,

So many years later,

Echoing my cries from

So many years earlier.

The body may heal,

But

Do memories?

Memories fade,

Like fabric

In the sunshine,

Until resurrected by

Present circumstances.

The fabric

Though remains faded.

No memory of

Past hurts,

Stitches,

Tears.

Fabric has no memory.

So stitch away, it

Doesn’t hurt.

Time may heal

The body, but not

Inner wounds.

Flesh may heal,

But does the heart?

Pain is temporary

He said,

As the needle is

Released.

Pain

In the body may be

Temporary, but heart-

Felt pain

May or…may not be.

To soothe the soul,

The spirit,

The heart,

The repair has

To be deeper than the

Wound.

More insistent,

Calming,

Time-intensive,

Constant,

Eternal.

There is One

Whose wounds

Go deeper

Than mine.

And there is

Only One

Who can reach

Deep enough

To heal the

Wounds of the

Soul.

His care is

Constant,

Eternal,

Time-intenseive and,

Calming.

The body may

Heal faster

Than the

Heart, but

The heart

Does heal,

Slowly.

Recently I joined the Handmade Book Club by Vintage Page Designs. Every month they release a new bookbinding project for you to do throughout that month. November’s project was a Poetry Map Fold Book. I have a lot of half-done poetry scattered throughout various notebooks and journals, so I thought this project would be a good way for me to try and gather some of it, finish a poem or two and use that poetry for this book. Which is what I did.

The pictures in this blog are the finished product and the above poem is the one poem I ended up finishing and used for the book. The book is hardback, map folded pages, original poetry and the cover is a paint rag I use to wipe off my brush when doing personal mixed media projects, decorated then turned into bookcloth.

What Now?

My 45th birthday was last week and I’ve been doing some pondering. Birthdays tend to be the time when I think and ponder and mull over the past year and look forward to the future.

I took a walk with the babies a couple of weeks ago, thinking about life and my upcoming birthday. I feel I’ve hit a plateau in life. If you are over 45, did you feel that around this age? I feel like I’ve hit a pleateau and maybe I’ve been here before, but this feels a little different. It’s typical for me to walk and think, even now that I am a mom with a double stroller reaching out in front of me, I still walk and think.

Fifteen years ago I was 30 years of age. I lived in an apartment. I was single. I didn’t have children. I worked a nondescript, dead-end-job at a corporate bakery chain. What did I want then?

I wanted to meet someone and get married. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to buy a house. I wanted to own my own business.

Now, fifteen years later, I am married to Adam, I am a mom to Daniel and Benjamin, I own a house and I own a business.

Everything I dreamed about and everything I wanted when I was 30 years old has happened.

There’s a big question in my heart and heart soul these days and it is: Now What?

What’s next? What do I have to look forward to? What do I dream about? What do I want?

As I walked and thought about this I felt it could go a few ways, namely, maintaining…maintaining a marriage, parenting, a house and a business.

But that didn’t make me feel overly joyful or peaceful. Maintaining something is work. A lot of work.

And not like I am afraid of work or don’t like it, it just seemed hard. And not fun.

But then…I thought of ‘Enjoyment’. Enjoying being married, enjoying being a parent, enjoying my house and enjoying my business.

There is work involved, yes, but the thought of enjoying these things gave me a lightness of heart that simply ‘maintaining’ didn’t.

So, I enter into year 45 still asking ‘What now?’ and trying to enjoy my house, marriage, sons and business.

What does enjoyment look like? That is another question.

Also, something I was thinking about today, ‘Who do I want to be when I’m 50?’. Looking short term at the next five years; who do I want to be when I am fifty years old?

I want to be a faithful and loving wife to Adam, a loving and caring mom to Daniel and Benjamin. These are my closest relationships. I also still would love to live where we do and still enjoy running a business.

When I look at who I want to be, whether it is the age I am at now, or at 50, 60, 70 years and beyond, I want to be a woman who is kind and generous. Someone who is loving and kindhearted and welcoming to others. Someone who is understanding. Someone who lives a life of peace and trust and faithfulness to God and those around me. I want to be someone who confident and energetic as I go about my day. I want to not worry about my life; to forget about myself and live for God and others. To be sensitive to the needs of those around me. Oh…all that and so much, so very, very much more.

If I want to be that kind of woman, and yet, if that’s who I want to be at 50 and older, I have a long way to go. A very, long, long way to go.

I see someone now, at 45, who seems to be constantly worried about her life, how she is going to make ends meet in her personal and business life. Someone who nags at her husband. Someone who is very worried and anxious and lives in a pool of fear and anxiety. I see someone who is cares about what others think of her and how they perceive her. I see someone who is controlling. I see someone who is always tired and overwhelmed and dragging through the days. Someone who is completely tapped out and has given all she can give. I see someone who tries…but ultimately doesn’t quite measure up. The things I do don’t seem to turn out quite how I envision them.

On the outside I may seem in control and confident and strong and know exactly what I am doing. And yet…on the inside I see a little girl with a very bruised heart who is just trying to make it through the day. Self-protection seems to be my mode of operation in the form of confidence and control. Underneath, there is a lot of pain inside.

Where is this life that I wish I had — the person who is kind and generous and welcoming? Where is the person who lives in trust and faith and peace and a total reliance on Jesus? I want to be that person…and yet…how?

I’m still pondering and praying about my personal ‘What now?’.