I’d Rather Be…

I want to be noticed. I don’t want to be noticed. I am a maker. A craftsperson. An artist. A writer. A dreamer. I just….I can’t maniulate my life to make it how ‘I’ want it to be. I can’t. It’s stupid to even try. And yet, I want to walk in what the Lord has laid out for me. I want to walk in His path, doing the good works that He created me to do before the foundation of the world. I want to do what He wants me to do…I want to use my gifts and talents for Him, with Him, there is so much more than what I am seeing now…doing now…there is so much more….how can I tap into that creativity…that destiny if you will…that ‘I am doing what I am created to do and I am happy and fulfilled and I LIKE it?’

I busted my arm up cleaning someone’s floors the yesterday. I was at work, I have tendonitis in my right elbow that has been greatly relieved by a compression sleeve (Which I pretty much wear constantly, even while typing or doing anything around the house)…I mean, I’d rather bust my arm by making a book than cleaning someone’s floors…I can do both with equal talent (If cleaning a floor can be called talent), but I’d rather be doing something else (And my arm is feeling better today).

Today I realized, probably yet again, that a lot of my frustration and anger inside me relating to art and career is based on the fact that I’D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

Like…I have a part-time job cleaning houses. And I get REALLY FRUSTRATED at work (But don’t let it show. I try to keep my attitude cheerful and thankful if at all possible).

WHY do I get frustrated at work? Even if it’s just a three day a week job?

Because…

I’D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

I’d rather be…

writing,

drawing,

making a book,

learning how to grow my bookbinding skills,

‘playing’ with paper,

baking,

camping,

decorating a space,

reading,

walking,

at the library, browsing,

listening to music,

drinking tea,

reading/studying the Bible,

on a road trip,

making perfume blends,

hiking,

on a picnic,

doing research,

doing something– anything — artsy or creative…

I’d rather be doing any number of things than at a boring, dead-end job that ‘pays the bills’ (I feel like this sounds so horribly selfish of me! I truly AM thankful for my bills being paid!!).

Why can’t I…have my bills be paid BY me…making journals, writing, creating…

Because I feel like everything else (ie, a ‘job’) keeps me away from doing what I was ‘created’ to do.

It’s not true…

I just have to do those things I enjoy in between my time at work and whatever else I may be doing.

And finding this in between time can be challenging.

Do you ever feel like this?

Feel so frustrated, creatively…blocked…angry, even…

I applied for a part-time job at a library this week. I haven’t heard anything yet. It seems too good to be true — the hours, the pay, the place. Praying favor for that job…I’ve done all I can do…now it’s waiting, praying.

I know it’s another ‘job’, but somehow I feel like creatively it wouldn’t be so frustrating as cleaning floors and toilets and maybe my arm can catch a break.