Update

It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Maybe it hasn’t really been that long, but it feels long.

There’s a few things that have contributed to my lack of writing, but mostly, I just haven’t been in the mood.

Weird, I know, right?

Maybe not so weird. But I’ve really been struggling with losing my dad, some depression, grief, stress, fertility challenges and really wanting to have a child and perhaps some memory issues thrown in (Whether from grief, stress, depression or physical issues, I don’t know)…all add up to a lack of writing. I’ve mostly been trying to get through each day; the routine of whatever happens to be on my plate that day. It feels like it’s all been a lot of work and not much play recently.

I’m still trying to make time, if only a little, for my art play days, prepping supplies and ideas for Fodder School (So ready to start!), working on my Autumn Book Collection and doing some self-care art therapy. But it’s only bits here and there.

The verse in Luke 10 comes to mind when Jesus says to His friend, ‘Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed…’

Yes, worried and perhaps upset is what I’ve been lately, try as I might not to be. My heart desires the one thing that Jesus says is so important in that passage, sitting at His feet and being with Him. Yet…and yet…so many distractions and worries and things to keep me away.

My therapist recommended I see a psychiatrist; which freaked me out big time. But I am swallowing a hard pill of humility and going in a week or so. Mostly just to see if everything is ok physically (The little memory issues have me concerned mostly and I’m just. so. tired. all the time).

I’ve also made a big life decision and have decided to wear my glasses full time — that is, if I can keep them on my face all day. It’s 6:30 am and I’ve already had enough of them. But I am hoping it will help with my spacial awareness (Don’t laugh. This is also a hard pill of humility. Maybe it’s just getting older and things that come with that and life decisions that need to be made. This realization that, no, really, I’m not 20 any more. Who knows).

This verse in James has also been helpful, ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’

Through the current difficulties of each day, especially with our fertility challenges lately, I feel like my faith is being severely tested. But I am trying to hold on and let these trials produce perseverance, patience and maturity in my life

This song by Shane and Shane has been helpful to me the last week or so.

The line ‘What am I supposed to do/With my kingdoms next to You?’ undoes me.

My kingdoms.

Ugh…my kingdoms of work, business, home, art…they are nothing next to Jesus.

‘I could gain the world and more/It’s all nothing next to You’.

Nothing. Nothing.

Choosing Him — surrendering to His plan for my life, walking in humility and graciousness down this long road, listening for His voice, being with Him through His Spirit — that is worth everything.