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Expressing God’s Heart

In the preface of Andrew Peterson’s book ‘Adorning the Dark’ he quotes George MacDonald:

‘As the fir-tree lifts up itself with a far different need from the need of the palm-tree, so does each man stand before God, and lift up a different humanity to the common Father. And for each God has a different response. With every man he has a secret – the secret of the new name. In every man there is a loneliness, an inner chamber of peculiar life into which God only can enter…a chamber into which no brother, nay, no sister can come. From this it follows that there is a chamber also – (O God, humble and accept my speech) – a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual, the peculiar man – out of which chamber that man has to bring revelation and strength for his brethren. This is that for which he was made – to reveal the secret things of the Father’.

Peterson goes on to state:

‘That is to say, you know and understand things about the heart of God that only you can teach…your story, then, is yours and no one else’s. Each sunset is different, depnding on where you stand….Jesus said, ‘In My Father’s house are many rooms’ (John 14:2). Could it be that those rooms are inner chamber in the heart of God, each of which has an individual’s name on it? (Emphasis added). If this is true, and I’d like to believe it is, then all I have to do is tell about my Lord and my God. Because I know him intimately, uniquely, it may be a revelation, in a sense, of the secret things of the Father. This is part of my calling – to make known the heart of God. And because he holds a special place in his heart for me and me alone (just as he holds a special place for you), my story stand a chance to be edifying to my sisters and brothers, just as your story, your insight, your revelation of God’s heart, is something the rest of us need.’

I share this because I really feel this strongly about my art and creativity. It’s easy, really, really easy, to say that what I do, what I make doesn’t matter.

No one is buying it.

I’m making books and journals for no reason.

No one is going to see this.

What is the point?

What do I do that is any different than any other bookmaker out there?

My techniques aren’t anything special.

Anyone can do what I do.

These are the thoughts that run in my conscious/subconsciousness all the time when I’m making something or having an idea or what have you.

And yet…and yet…no, my techniques may be nothing special or new and yes, anyone who has the time or inclination to copy what I do certainly can, BUT…I bring something to the table with my art and creativity simply because I AM doing it.

I’m working through my creativity as my own personal self-expression of who God is and what He has put on my heart to create and share with you and that can never be copied.

(Inspiring to others yes, copied 100%, no, never. Read ‘How to Steal Like an Artist’ by Austin Kleon).

If my calling, as Andrew Peterson states, is to make known the heart of God, and yes, I believe it is a calling for each of us, then I can make God’s heart known to you through how I express myself through my chosen craft (Whether it be bookbinding, dancing, mixed media collaging, aromatherapy, writing or otherwise).

I don’t know God like you do and you don’t know God like I do. Therefore, we each have something special and unique to bring to the art table.

I write this because not only do I feel this deeply, especially about the rooms or inner chambers of God’s heart, but because I am purposefully laying the foundation for my art that is to come. I want to fall back on this knowledge and idea of yes, what I do matters in the art world and yes, there are secret things of God’s heart that I, only I, can express.

And for you, my friend, it’s the same. There are things in God’s heart that you, only you, can express and the world needs to see that.

(Also, sidebar: I love houses, as I’ve mentioned before, and I feel this strongly; there is something in me, something God put in me, about houses and looking at houses and making a home and ‘dwelling in God house’ – Ps 27 – that I have to express, dig, look for, bring to the surface in my art and life, things that haven’t come yet…I haven’t traveled long enough on this road of life to get the full manifestation of this ‘house’ revelation and longing He’s put in me. Maybe I’ll never compeltely get there, but I have to keep walking).

Many Gifts

In this post I talked about how God has given each of us a gift. A purposeful gift for us to use for His pleasure (And ours!) and His glory.

However, the Lord has not just given each one of us just one gift, but multiple.

I am a writer AND a dancer.

I am a dancer AND a bookbinder.

I am a bookbinder AND, as I am lately discovering, a mixed media collage artist.

I am a collage artist AND an administrator.

I am an administrator AND I love to organize things.

I am an organizer AND I love styling my home.

I could go on. You get the point.

God has bestowed on each of us more than one gift.

This may be obvious, but I still feel like I have to point it out.

The Giver is lavish with His gifts on His creation.

Some of our gifts may work together as in bookbinding and collage artistry.

Or they may be totally not related, like dancing and cooking (Although sometimes I dance while I cook).

What are the many gifts God has given you?

Sounding Board

I had coffee with a friend this morning.

My friend is a creative type with lots of idea. Kind of like me, haha.

Over lunch a couple months ago, she mentioned she had an idea to write and create mystery parties. She would develop the story lines, then, as a side hustle, would offer to host the mystery parties in client’s homes for a fee. It was in the beginning stages of an idea (As that’s how they usually start) and I really encouraged her to go for it, put the work in and do it. And she did. She really did.

My friend wanted to do a trial run of the party to test it out to see how it would work in reality, so this past Saturday my husband, myself and another couple went to her house and did a run through. At the end, we gave her feedback so she would work on developing the game more.

This morning we had a coffee follow up meeting to talk more about the mystery party idea/busness.

As I’m sitting in the coffee shop, engaging in conversation, I hear a voice inside me (The Holy Spirit?) say, ‘Sounding board’.

Hmmmm…

I’m chewing on this.

Sounding board.

You know my angst, my restlessness, my ‘itchy feet’, my wanderlusting heart, my creative spirit…

…my desire to help people, to spur others on in their creative interests….

Ever since my friend and I had lunch a couple months ago, I’ve been thinking a lot about creative community and how I can facilitate that in my life. Like, out of my head and into reality.

Because I think of creative community a LOT.

I want something real, tangible, non-virtual. Something like The Rabbit Room (Which started virtual, but it’s way more than that now, although I’ve only looked into it virtually since it’s in another state. And remember, no compensation).

I don’t want to ‘start’ something that I have to maintain.

I don’t want to start something that becomes dull, boring, too habitual, a drag, a bore, something I ‘have’ to do, religious.

I long for and desire non-virtual, creative community here in my hometown of St. Louis, MO.

I want a group of creative, like-minded individuals that will spur each other on in their creativity.

Not a book group, study or club.

Not just a batting back and foth of ideas with no work involved.

Not really structured, but structured enough so we’re not just shooting the breeze and then two hours go by and we haven’t talked about our creative goals.

Not a networking group.

Something more like: A group of friends who have creative ideas they want to pursue individually, but need someone to support them, bounce ideas off of and help them set goals to reach those said creative ideas and bring them into reality. A safe, non-judgmental space.

But…the trick is, sure, you get together once, set goals, put your plan into action…then there’s no follow up.

How do you keep it going without it being something you ‘have’ to do and then become boring and unstimulating?

Get together once a quarter for follow up and goal setting?

And limiting the size of the group too. No more than three or four individuals. Because then ppl get lost and there’s not time to get to everyone’s ideas and goals.

And I think that focusing on one thing per person, one goal or one idea that each person has would also be key to making something like this work.

Real, tangible, non-virtual creative community.

I mentioned in this post that I had lots of thoughts on the subject of community (‘Working together, eating together, enjoying recreation together, BEING together. No stress, no pressure, just peace, tranquility, calmness. Of spirituality being a focus, of art being a focus, of JESUS being a focus. Maybe this is my brain’s utopia…life when things are unstressful, unhindered, free, where I can be myself, away from the pressures of life…’).

This current post is another one of those thoughts.

So, yeah, sounding board.

My friend and I talked for a good hour and a half this morning, mostly about her mystery parties. I didn’t want her to leave without setting a date for another trial party. So we did. She’s got a lot of work to do between now and the next party. I know she’ll get it done.

I feel like the Lord gave me insight into part of my calling. Being a ‘sounding board’ for others and their creativity.

I need this too in my own life, for my own creative work.

In your life, who is your sounding board?? Are you a sounding board for someone? Do you have a group of friends who you can go to with ideas and help you reach them?

The Wrestle

I want to share my creative pursuits with you. I want to share my books with you. I want to share my journals with you.

There’s nothing stopping me from doing that. Or maybe I am the one stopping myself.

I started this blog in December of 2019 and didn’t touch it for four months. In fact, during those four months I was like, ‘Why did I even start one?’

I didn’t, and still don’t, have a plan for this blog. It’s just me, writing. Writing what I feel led to write. And that’s ok. I’m a writer.

I remember when I learned to type on a cool, old-school typewriter in the early 90’s. I’d just sit there at a round, wooden table in our attic schoolroom and type whatever I was thinking for the pleasure of it. Just random stuff. I just liked to type.

Writing this blog is, to me, reminscient of twelve year old me learning to type. It’s random, and it’s fun and I do it because that’s what I do.

But I also want to share my art with you.

Sure, writing is an art and I do share that gift with you.

It’s great, I love it, but I do more than just write.

I make books. I make journals.

And that’s where this wrestle comes in.

I’m thinking of selling my journals through this website (Because Etsy isn’t getting me anywhere, not for lack of trying).

I want to sell my journals here, and yet, I don’t.

This has been a safe, healing space for me to write and think and process.

And if I add things to it, if I suddenly add money to the mix…it becomes stressful, business, work.

So, why not start another blog or site where I sell my journals?

Mostly because I don’t want to overcomplicate things.

I’m already on here…I want to blog and write and connect my posts to my journals.

I don’t want something else to have to try and keep up with.

Another reason I don’t want to sell on here is because I want to be myself.

I mentioned in this post that ‘I’m not edgy, preppy, pretnetious, flamboyant, radical, outgoing, daring, flashy, gutsy.‘

And maybe sometimes I think that I have to be someone I’m not in order to sell something.

Maybe I think that I have to put myself out there, to be pushy, to be radical, to be flashy, to ‘get’ someone to buy whatever it is I happen to be selling…and that’s not me. I’m not pushy.

(I am ‘quiet, commonplace, thoughtful, calculated, studious’.)

And yet, I have this dream…of selling what I make and actually doing just that…not having another outside job to pay the bills or make ends meet.

And maybe one way I can try to make part of this dream an actual reality is to start selling through here.

I never want to make a person buy something they don’t want.

When I was a kid, one summer, I had a lemonade stand. I remember one Saturday, late afternoon, I was on the not-very-busy corner by our house, sitting there at a cardtable, pitcher of lemonade, cups, all ready to go. Who knows how many sales I had made, or not made, that afternoon. Our house was across the street from an old Catholic church that held Saturday evening masses. As I sat there, waiting, parishioners started arriving for mass. There was an older couple who stopped and bought some lemonade. As they walked away I overheard the lady say to her husband, ‘I didn’t really want it, but I wanted to be polite’. And eleven year old me heard that and 1. Felt embarrassed and 2. Was kind of miffed and thought ‘Why’d you buy it then?’

The wrestle: Is there a way that I can actually do what I love and make a living while doing it? Is there a way that I can actually sell what I make and not have it be stressful? Is there a way I can still be myself and write AND sell my books on the same platform? This is what I think of a lot...can I actually do it? Will I actually do it???? Do I really want to turn my peaceful, self-forgetfulness hobby into work? Does it HAVE to turn into Work?

Lots of thoughts here, lots of wrestling.

I would love to know what you think. Honestly. To whoever is reading this, drop me a comment. Let me know.

Healing Perspective

I prayed for years for my dad to be healed.

He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 1998 (If memory serves me correct).

He had surgery to remove the mass on his neck (Taking some nerves, etc along with the cancer) and went through radiation and chemo.

The cancer went into remission and didn’t come back.

At all.

Ever.

Then, about 10 years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

And we prayed for healing.

Dad prayed for healing. We all did. I even got my family together one night a couple years ago to pray for him specifically. And then again at another time.

We never really saw breakthrough, though, in regards to the Parkinson’s.

Since the cancer had been in his throat he had, over the years, gotten into some bad eating habits that was affecting his nutrition. It was more how he ate, not what he ate. He was aspirating his food because of the bad eating habits and consequently was not getting proper nutrition and so was losing weight. He had seen a Dr who helped him with correct eating techniques for his situation, but over the next few years it wasn’t enough and about five years ago he had a G-tube put in.

Still, praying for healing.

Last December dad went into the hospital with fluid on his lungs. The doctors were still trying to figure out the cause when, in January, he passed away.

And I wonder why we never saw breakthrough in healing.

And why does God heal some people and not others?

Obviously, His ways and thoughts and perspective and actions are higher, much higher, and different, much different, than ours and He sees the beginning of all things and the end of all things and is over all things and has divine purposes and plans of which we know only a smidge of, if that.

I can only trust that He has only good intentions for all of us, in this life and how we pass from this life into the next.

I don’t know why He heals some and not others. My dad wrestled with this question a lot himself.

Talking this over with my husband recently, we didn’t come to any concerete conclusion (Probably because there isn’t one), but my husband was like, ‘But God did heal your dad.’

And he’s right.

Didn’t the cancer go away and never come back (That we are aware of)?

Yes. It did.

God did heal my dad.

Not only did he heal my dad from cancer, but in heaven, where he is now, there is no more pain, suffering, sorrow, tears.

There is only healing and life and wholeness.

Wrestling with the big question of ‘healing‘ I’m choosing to take the perspective and believe that God most certainly did hear our prayers and heal my dad in more than one way.

Totally Random Side Note: The night my dad passed away I went over to be with my mom and noticed the book my dad was in the middle of: ‘The Search for the Twelve Apostles‘. So much my dad! Always searching, learning, hungry for the things of the Lord, spiritually minded, fascinated with the things of God. But now, then, instead of reading a book about the Twelve Apostles, he ‘found’ them that night. 🙂

Nieces & Nephews

My sister just had a baby yesterday.

With the advent of her birth, this makes a total of thirteen nieces and nephews (Or grandchildren if you’re my mom!) for me and my family.

All my nieces and nephews are the best ever, but I may be partial because I’m their aunt. 😉

The run down, in age order:

First off we have Isabelle. She is the oldest of them all and was the first baby in my family since my youngest brother arrived fourteen years earlier. She is the sweetest thing and has four younger siblings, so she falls into the typical eldest child category of being mature and responsible. She just became a teenager and it is precious to watch her on the cusp of adulthood and yet still wanting to be a kid. She vascilates between hanging out with the adults, watching us quietly and listening to every word of our conversations, to running around and playing with her younger cousins and siblings. She’s got the cutest little pixie face and with her long straight hair and tiny stature she looks almost elfish. Adorable.

Next comes Arthur. He always has a song in his heart and likes to sing and bang on drums and has lots of ideas. He’s a creative individual. And he likes Star Wars.

Elisha is next. He is a sensitive, yet outgoing, individual who loves life and is constantly talking and going and moving and doing things. He is always interested in things and facts and sharing his newfound information with you.

Then we have Gretta. She’s a spunky, adventurous and helpful kid who loves to be a part of things. She’s also pretty sassy and has what we lovingly call ‘Gretta-tude‘. She’s also the fashionable one in the family.

Ignatius is next. As my husband said, ‘He thinks he’s a tree frog’. The kid loves animals. Thank you, Wild Kratts. To Ignatius a turkey just isn’t a just a turkey. It’s a Wild American Turkey. Or it’s not a just lemur it’s a Ring-Tailed Lemur. He’s very precise. He’s also the cool kid in school.

Rosie. At eight years old, she’s the family card shark. Be prepared to play games with her, but watch out, she may cheat and she definitely counts cards. But we love her anyway. She’s highly competitive and has an attitude, but has a soft spot for Peppa Pig. 🙂 She’s quiet in public, but is a talker at home. She also has this really beautiful curly wavy hair in a gorgeous golden flax/strawberry blonde color.

Justice. Aptly named, this kid loves anything with superheroes. He’s also a petite, small- boned kid with the cutest round face and really likes playing Hide ‘n Seek.

Phoebe. She really loves princesses and the colors pink and purple. She’s pretty quiet when she wants to be.

Amelia. Her best friend is a grub. This kid loves bugs, worms, butterflies, ants, grubs (According to her, they’re so soft!)…anything that creeps or crawls or flutters. She’s always outside on the hunt for ants or worms. She’ll wander around with a bright green live caterpiller on the front of her shirt. If she’s not out looking for bugs, she’s inside drawing pictures. She’s has a major creative bent. She’s also in love with her baby brother.

Donald. He’s really into Spiderman. He’s got a room full of toys and at this point, no sibling to play with although he does have two dogs to roam around with. He’s hilarious and loves attention, but he’s also a little sensitive and shy at times. He’s got some big genes too, because at five, he’s a good size. He’s a good match for Rosie when it comes to playing games because he likes to cheat too. 😉

Titus. He’s happy wandering around in a corner talking to himself. Just make sure he’s contained! He loves play acting with legos or cars or Little People and he’s content playing by himself too.

Judah. Just over a year he enjoys eating, like, a lot. He also says his name (Ju-dah) and loves his little stuffed lion blanket he naps with. He’s a thumb sucker.

Esther. The latest and greatest. I haven’t met her yet, but I’m sure she’ll be just as amazing as the rest of them.

Impact & Influence

Worry, anxiety, busyness, running around, trying to make ends meet, scheduling this, that and the other, work, work, work.

What’s it all for?

In 100 years, I won’t be here.

Even in 50 years, will any of this matter?

Yes and no.

I do believe that what we do in this life matters.

Yet sometimes in my day to day life I forget that fact and get caught up in the rush and worry of life and forget that what I do has an impact on others and society.

What we do in this world is highly important because we only have one life, and yet it’s not important at all because once we’re gone, who remembers us and all our worry and busyness?

BUT it does matter because I remember my dad, my grandparents, my aunt, my cousin and the lives they lived and how they were a part of my life and how they influenced me and how they influenced me now impacts you because I’m writing about them and you’re reading what I’m writing and in some way that is influencing and changing your life.

These words that I write now will have an impact on whoever may read them in the future. Maybe in 100 years no one will read what I’ve written, but then again, maybe they will and that makes what I do now, in this life, worth it.

I can change someone’s eternal destiny by what I write, especially if I point them to Jesus.

And that definitely makes it worth it.

Making Something

Sometimes when I want to make something, but I don’t know exactly What there is this sense of anticipation, as if I am about to create a masterpiece.

I know, I feel, I sense that something really awesome is about to happen…even if I don’t know what it is yet, or what it may look like.

I have an idea…

The urge to make something…

I’m on the edge of creativity…

I’m on the verge of creating something amazing…

and I have to find it….

I have to search for this masterpiece through a process of playing and working with my hands and experimenting and trying things and pushing my boundaries.

Do you feel this sense of mystery and and anticipation when you create?

I think it’s the Holy Spirit, hovering, as He did at the beginning of creation.

Hovering, calling us forward, calling us into the mystery of making.

Mystery, because WHAT we create has yet to be.

It’s this spiritual and emotional process of finding the masterpiece within us, in our mind’s eye, in the unseen spiritual realm and bringing it forth into the tangible, physical world for us to enjoy, whether purely for pleasure and beauty or for only practical, useful reasons. It was something out of nothing, just like you and me.

(Sidebar: I heard someone say once that God is really the only one who can create because creating literally means making something out of absolutely nothing. You and I, therefore, strictly speaking, just make things, not create, because we are already working with materials that are physical — we’re not creating something out of nothing. I would have to do more research to see whether I agree with this 100% or not, but I do think it’s an interesting thought and one I’ve chewed on for 20 years. The question: Do we, as finite humans create, because the creative process generally starts with a non-tangible picture in your mind? The work is then to bring this picture into the physical world. Or is God the only one who can literally create? Maybe both/and?).

I have to follow this mystery, this process of making, this finding of a masterpiece.

Every artist knows that it takes time and skill to bring forth a true rendention of what they see in their head.

We all know the disappointment of ‘That’s not quite what I saw in my mind.’

But we still have to follow this calling, whether the final result is truly a masterpiece or not, we’re learning to follow the Holy Spirit, to go where He guides and to co-create with Him.

What the Father Does

Jesus only did what He saw His Father do.

“Most assuredly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner.” (John 5:19)

Jesus only sought and did the will of the Father.

‘…I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.’ (John 5:30b)

“For I have come down from heaven, not to do My will, but the will of Him who sent Me.’ (John 6:38)

Jesus only spoke what He heard His Father say.

‘For I have not spoken on My own authority; but the Father who sent Me gave Me a command, what I should saw and what I should speak. And I know that His command is everylasting life. Therefore, whatever I speak, just as the Father has told Me, so I speak’ (John 12:49 – 50 )

I’ve been challenged the last few days.

Am I really living for Him and doing His will…or my own?

Answer: My own. Really. Truly. If I am honest. I live for myself. I live for the weekend or the day off. I live for dinner or the next snack or scratching things off my to do list. I live for doing things or the next good book I can get lost in.

I wonder…

If Jesus only did and said what the Father did and said…how does this translate to my life…here, now?

If we want to live and walk through this life as Jesus did, and if Jesus only did what He saw the Father do…how do I do that too?

In typical Christian lingo my guess it would be ‘following the Spirit‘ or ‘being led by the Spirit’.

That tiny voice inside you, that inkling you get to do something you wouldn’t normally do, or talk to someone specific or actually reaching out to that one person who keeps coming to mind.

Maybe you don’t know why, but you feel this nudge to get outside yourself, to put yourself out there to do this or say that which may not be characteristic of you per say…is that how you follow in this footsteps of Jesus and His example of doing and saying what the Father does and says?

Of course, we have to actually DO what we feel ‘led’ to do, or what we believe He is telling us to do.

Many times I haven’t. I’ve ignored the thought I think may be God speaking to me.

But there are also many times I have.

I’ve been thinking of this mostly because of my new job.

I wonder…

Did I follow His lead in getting this particular job?

Or was it I pushing for it on my own?

Should I have gone back to freelancing and doing whatever came up?

I have so many ideas in my head, crafty, creative things that I long to work on, but feel my time to work on them is so limited…partly because I work outside the home.

I feel God moving my heart to work on these creative things; I feel Him leading me in the area of bookbinding, aromatherapy, writing, and on and on…I feel Him say that He’s got more for me, that He’s not finished with me yet…how can I see, like Jesus, what He’s doing and follow Him in my every day life?

And for you, my friend…what is God leading you to do? How can you be more attune to His Spirit in your every day life and follow His leading, just like Jesus did?