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Favor

I mentioned the other day that I felt the Lord had given me two words recently.

The first, Unravel, I outlined in a previous post.

The second word: Favor.

I’ve been kind of surprised by this word to be honest. It’s not one that ends up in my Christian vocabulary very often. Sure, sometimes, yes, but mostly it’s for other people…not myself.

But this year, somehow, for some reason, I’ve been praying for favor. It’s just been popping up in my prayers as something I seem to want, suddenly.

Favor to get in to a boutique.

Favor to get the library job (Which, by the way, I did not get).

Favor in my business.

Favor, even, with having children.

Favor…

The story of Hannah in the Bible comes to mind. She is barren, her husband has taken another wife by whom he has children, but Hannah is sad and wants children of her own. While they are at the yearly feast at the house of the Lord, Hannah goes away, praying and crying out to God because of her great desire to have children. Eli the priest sees her and after a short convo in which Hannah divulges why she is crying, Eli says, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition which you have asked of Him.”

Hannah’s response is, “Let your maidservant find favor in your sight.”

And, as the Bible says, the Lord remembered Hannah and in the process of time she conceived and bore a son.

Now, without digging too deep, it seems that the Lord gave favor to Hannah.

He saw her plight, her tears, how her rival was berating her for being barren, her desire to have children…he remembered her, gave her favor, and gave her a son.

Now the story of Hannah in the Bible does mean a lot to me because it is this story that gave my parents hope during the four years after their marriage that they were trying to have children. After two miscarriages, along came me. And they named me Hannah.

I’ve always known that my name meant Grace, Gracious, Gracious One, Graceful…or some derivitive of Grace. A quick internet baby name search also puts ‘Favor’ as a meaning of Hannah.

Is that why Hannah in the Bible said what she did to Eli? She maybe knew what her name meant and used that in a cultural sense to convey thanks to Eli.

But…favor…

I don’t know why this year the word favor has been popping up, in my mind, my heart and my spirit.

The other verse that comes to mind regarding Favor is from Isaiah 61.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
²to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.”

These verses, as well as the story of Hannah, have always meant a lot to me. I feel there is some sort of calling on or in me to proclaim the good news of Jesus to the poor (In spirit and otherwise), to bind up the brokenhearted (Especially), to proclaim true freedom to captives and prisoners (Those who are bound in many ways), to proclaim the year of God’s favor.

In many ways I have already done this through my life, but I believe there is more to come.

Like the unraveling I posted about earlier, I don’t know what this favor I’m sudeenly praying for looks like this year. Like Hannah in the Bible maybe this is the year the Lord will give us a child. It’s hard not to get my expectations up regarding that, but there is still hope. I don’t want to be disappointed, but I also believe God can do anything.

I was praying favor for the library job I applied for, however the Lord must have different plans as that didn’t work out. I’m kind of like, ‘What now?’, but He knows.

The Year of I Don’t Know continues.

A Tribute

Today marks the 5th anniversary of my Grandma’s death. A couple days after she passed, I wrote this tribute to her. I wanted to honor her with it today by sharing it with you. Enjoy.

“I can’t remember a time in my life when my grandma wasn’t there.

This past Monday, in the nursing facility, I was able to spend a good portion of time with her alone, in the last few hours of her life. I sat there, stroking her head, with her thin body under the blankets and an oxygen tube in her nose; and I remembered an instance in my life when my grandma had been sitting up with me.

My grandparents had babysat my siblings and I, as they often did, when my parents were out for the evening. Bedtime had come and I didn’t want to be alone in the dark, so I asked my grandma to sit with me. I remember her sitting on the cedar chest in my room looking out the window, the moonlight shining in. It was comforting to have my grandma there. I wasn’t alone.

Now here I was, sitting up with her. I told her I loved her. I told her I was getting married in May and that I hoped my marriage would last as long as hers did (Almost 70 years). I told her I was glad she was my grandma. Really, out of all the people in the world, I was privileged to have this woman as my grandma. What a precious gift.

Grandma passed a few hours after I left the nursing facility. Now only memories are left. And there are a lot. I’ve been remembering how absolutely generous and giving she was (Lots of presents at Christmas!). Her and my grandpa taught me how to play Hearts, they’d take us to the zoo, or science center, or the park, they’d feed us macaroni and cheese with hot dogs (Special request by my brother and I); of course we always had to wash our hands before eating and eat everything on our plate or else we wouldn’t get dessert (And there was always dessert). My grandma had a huge love of reading and, thankfully, I inherited that from her. She was a good cook, loved to take walks, loved her chocolate, loved her family and was constantly giving herself to them in so many little ways. With seven children and a multitude of grandchildren, great-grandchildren and even great-great grandchildren, she had opportunities galore to give and give she did.

One of my favorite memories of her in more recent years came when I was reading a devotional book to her over breakfast one morning. The devotional was about the faith of Abraham. ‘…And Abram being 99 years old…’ I stopped reading and looked at her, suddenly realizing my grandma wasn’t far behing Abraham. ‘Grandma! That’s only five years older than you!’ Her reply was an instant ‘Oh, shush!’, but we were both laughing.

In 1918 my grandma was born and grew up as an only child in a single parent household. In 2016 my grandma passed as the matriarch of the Megahan clan. There is so much more I could say. I have 36 years worth of memories of my grandma and that, in and of itself is special. I am truly thankful to the Lord for giving me such a special person as my grandma.”

After I left the nursing facility that night after being with grandma, my fiance took me over to the Galleria mall to get some dinner at the food court there. We got burritos at Qdoba…I was an emotional mess already…but sitting there, in the food court at the Galleria, where my grandparents had taken my siblings and I so many times, was too much. The feeling from all the memories over the years came flooding over me, and I sat at the table, crying, unable to finish my dinner.

After driving home to my apartment, taking a shower and winding down for the night, my dad called to tell me grandma had passed.

And now, five years later, my dad has passed too.

Life. Life is hard.

But I am so thankful for the wonderful people the Lord has put in my life, like my grandma and my dad. They are interwoven into the fabric of my life and my memories and I will forever be grateful for their love and influence. They are a part of who I am.

Unraveling

Two words I feel like the Lord has given me recently.

Unravel (-ed, -ing).

Favor.

The first: Unravel. Unraveled. Unraveling.

When I first went to see a therapist in early 2019 one of the reasons I went was because I felt like I was all tangled up inside.

All the different experiences I had been through in my life were like different colored yarn all tangled up into one big ball.

I couldn’t sort them out. They were intertwined. Impossible to separate.

Maybe life experiences are just like that. Impossible to separate.

I had even drawn a picture to go with this feeling of being tangled up inside. I took different colors of colored pencils and drew messy circles together, then each color broke off from the circle and became a word: Relationships, Church, Family, Career, etc.

This drawing was very symbolic to me, although simplistic.

Counseling happened, maybe things began to become unraveled? It takes time for things to get sorted through. Although, sometimes I still feel all tangled up inside. Maybe we all do.

But yesterday, while listening to some worship music, and crying (My dad…thinking of him, missing his sweet personality, missing who he was) I felt the Lord say, ‘Unraveling’.

Maybe my life is going to be unraveled. Maybe this ball of yarn in me will become, as much as possible, unraveled this year. I’m pretty sure the process has already started; maybe losing dad leapt the process forward. I don’t know.

I think an unraveling process is painful and personal. What does being unraveled look like? What things will God do in my life this year that will unravel me…and all I hold on to? It’s already been a hard year. I think it can be scary…this unknown process of being unraveled by God. My drawing of the threads — those were my experiences — does God mean that He is going to unravel my past experiences, or that my future experiences will unravel me? Either way…it’s an unraveling.

I recently finished the Book of Job; that epic poem on suffering. God allowed Job to be unraveled…and in the end, Job, an unraveled man, repented of his pride in dust and ashes.

Like Job, I want to SEE and KNOW who God is during my potential season of personal unraveling.

Book List: 2015

What I read in 2015:

‘The Meaning of Marriage’ – Tim Keller (I read it before getting married — even before getting engaged — and was glad I did. It helped to put some perspective and reality into what I was anticipating going in to)

‘Shattered Dreams’ – Larry Crabb (I don’t actually remember really reading this book, so must not have been too noteworthy)

‘Katherine Wentworth’ – D. E. Stevenson (Reread by one of my fav authors)

‘Queen’s Folly’ – Elswyth Thane (I love this author, but for the life of me I don’t remember what this book was about! Maybe 2015 was a difficult year for me, at least in regards to reading. :/)

‘He Loves Me’ – Wayne Jacboson (Loved. Very beautiful book. I really probably should read it again, because it’s just such a good, good, good reminder of how much God the Father loves us and how we really DON’T need to do anything to earn or strive for His love)

‘The Circle Maker’ – Mark Batterson (Very encouraging book on prayer. Very inspiring)

‘Homing’ – Elswyth Thane (Believe this was the last book in her Williamsburg series, which I greatly enjoyed)

‘The Moon by Night’ Madeline L’Engle (Favorite author. Favorite book growing up. Like ‘The Seagulls Woke Me’ it’s a coming of age story that feeds to teenager in me. The one who remembers the freedom of summer, crushes, family and innocence)

‘A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23’ – Phillip Keller (Another beautiful book. Classic. My favorite line, ‘I belong to Him simply because He deliberately chose to create me as the object of His own affection’.)

‘The Divine Romance – Gene Edwards (Reread. Love his take on spirituality)

‘Mind Games’ – Matthew Paul Turner (Reread. I love how this book is laid out. Fun, challenging and deals with a topic I think we don’t often hear about in the church; our thought life)

‘The Healing Path’ – Dan Allender (Reread. Apparently I did a lot of that in 2015. Beautiful, beautiful book)

‘How I Live Now’ – Meg Rosoff (I have a note by it…’Didn’t really enjoy it at all. Kind of awful, although it was uniquely written and was even humorous’. So, I guess take my word for it)

‘Dreaming with God’ – Bill Johnson (I liked this book, but it made me cry because there is SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE THAT I don’t feel like I’m living. It made me hungry, but it made me also somewhat frustrated with my circumstances at the time. WHEN WILL I SEE GOD’S BREAKTHOUGH IN MY LIFE????)

I’m wondering if some of these books I actually read in 2016?!?! Who knows.

Book List: 2016

What I read in 2016:

‘Seated with Christ’ – Heather Holleman (Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful little book about comparison, identity in Christ and reaching out to others. Challenging and beautiful)

‘The Pushcart War’ – Jean Merrill (Reverting once again to childhood. I liked this book more when I was younger, but still a fun read)

‘The Preacher’s Wife’ – Cheryl St. John (Contemporary Christian Romance. Enough Said)

‘Sister of the Bride’ – Beverly Cleary (Another coming of age story, but enjoyed better when I was younger. Still Beverly Cleary is classic)

‘The Princess Bride’ – William Goldman (If you’ve only seen the movie, stop now and read the book. Uh, yeah. Book SO MUCH better, although movie is pretty fantastic. The book gives so much more insight to the characters and is hilarious. My husband and I read this outloud — although I’ve read it a few times to myself — and Adam couldn’t read sometimes because he was laughing so hard. I loaned this book to a friend and she hasn’t returned it and I need to find another copy…or ask for it back…!)

‘Letters from a Skeptic’ – Greg Boyd (My husband’s choice that I piggybacked on. Good read. Apologetics)

‘Smouldering Fire’ – D.E. Stevenson (Reread from one of my fav authors)

Book List: 2017

My Book List Project continues.

Books I read in 2017:

‘Emotionally Healthy Spirituality’ – Peter Scazzero (Really, really liked this book. Made me hungry for more of the Lord and getting into the rhythms of doing a daily office, taking true Sabbaths, etc. I have a long way to go, but this book speaks to my heart and soul on a deep level).

‘Ten Kids, No Pets’ – Ann M. Martin (Reverting back to childhood, but I have always enjoy this book)

‘The Seagulls Woke Me’ – Mary Stolz (Coming of age book which I’ve always really liked. It transports me to a time of innocence and beauty, of earthiness and homliness, of youth and the freedom of summer)

‘Eleven Kids, One Summer’ – Ann M. Martin (Sequal to ‘Ten Kids, No Pets’, but not nearly as good)

Apparently I didn’t read much in 2017, or just didn’t keep track. I think I just didn’t keep track!

Sharing

I said that I wanted to be noticed. That I do all these things in order to be noticed.

On one hand, yes.

I do these things because I want people to notice me. I felt my Noticed blog (See links above) was me being very real and honest with myself with where I was at. It felt vulnerable for me to share that I wanted to be noticed and that I was doing things on social media, etc for others to ‘take note’ of what I was doing in my life and creatively.

BUT…(And of course there’s a ‘But…’)

Maybe it’s not so much that I want to be noticed (Because yes, I do want to be, in a way), but maybe I’m doing these things because I feel like they need to be shared.

So, maybe, when I post on IG, or FB, or whatever, that it comes not from my need for others to see me, but it’s more of a way for me to SHARE with others what I’ve been up to.

Having an attitude of humble sharing, rather than a prideful ‘Look at ME!’ attitude is probably better all around.

I don’t like social media very much and have had conversations with friends (In-person, mind you) about the good, bad and ugly of it all…

There’s a need in me to share with others what I’m up to creatively.

The easiest way to do that is by putting things on SM.

Maybe my attitude is what I need to look at, the Why I’m doing it…to be noticed or to share? Do I do it in humility or pride?

I’d Rather Be…

I want to be noticed. I don’t want to be noticed. I am a maker. A craftsperson. An artist. A writer. A dreamer. I just….I can’t maniulate my life to make it how ‘I’ want it to be. I can’t. It’s stupid to even try. And yet, I want to walk in what the Lord has laid out for me. I want to walk in His path, doing the good works that He created me to do before the foundation of the world. I want to do what He wants me to do…I want to use my gifts and talents for Him, with Him, there is so much more than what I am seeing now…doing now…there is so much more….how can I tap into that creativity…that destiny if you will…that ‘I am doing what I am created to do and I am happy and fulfilled and I LIKE it?’

I busted my arm up cleaning someone’s floors the yesterday. I was at work, I have tendonitis in my right elbow that has been greatly relieved by a compression sleeve (Which I pretty much wear constantly, even while typing or doing anything around the house)…I mean, I’d rather bust my arm by making a book than cleaning someone’s floors…I can do both with equal talent (If cleaning a floor can be called talent), but I’d rather be doing something else (And my arm is feeling better today).

Today I realized, probably yet again, that a lot of my frustration and anger inside me relating to art and career is based on the fact that I’D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

Like…I have a part-time job cleaning houses. And I get REALLY FRUSTRATED at work (But don’t let it show. I try to keep my attitude cheerful and thankful if at all possible).

WHY do I get frustrated at work? Even if it’s just a three day a week job?

Because…

I’D RATHER BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

I’d rather be…

writing,

drawing,

making a book,

learning how to grow my bookbinding skills,

‘playing’ with paper,

baking,

camping,

decorating a space,

reading,

walking,

at the library, browsing,

listening to music,

drinking tea,

reading/studying the Bible,

on a road trip,

making perfume blends,

hiking,

on a picnic,

doing research,

doing something– anything — artsy or creative…

I’d rather be doing any number of things than at a boring, dead-end job that ‘pays the bills’ (I feel like this sounds so horribly selfish of me! I truly AM thankful for my bills being paid!!).

Why can’t I…have my bills be paid BY me…making journals, writing, creating…

Because I feel like everything else (ie, a ‘job’) keeps me away from doing what I was ‘created’ to do.

It’s not true…

I just have to do those things I enjoy in between my time at work and whatever else I may be doing.

And finding this in between time can be challenging.

Do you ever feel like this?

Feel so frustrated, creatively…blocked…angry, even…

I applied for a part-time job at a library this week. I haven’t heard anything yet. It seems too good to be true — the hours, the pay, the place. Praying favor for that job…I’ve done all I can do…now it’s waiting, praying.

I know it’s another ‘job’, but somehow I feel like creatively it wouldn’t be so frustrating as cleaning floors and toilets and maybe my arm can catch a break.

Thankfulness

I am learning to be thankful.

It has been somewhat of a struggle.

I can feel my ‘flesh’ fight against my new-found determination to be thankful no matter the circumstance.

Isn’t that what we’re instructed to do anyway…’Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you’ (1 Thes. 5:16 – 18)?

I’ve been trying to really live this verse.

And be specifically, on-purpose thankful. For everything. Even the what looks like not-so-great circumstances.

Thanking God for the fertility issues we’ve been having.

Thanking God for the job I don’t care for.

Thanking God for food, even though it’s hard going gluten-free (Supposedly gluten is not good for creating a welcoming environment for a little embryo-to-be).

Thanking God, thanking God, thanking God.

Even when I don’t want to.

It’s getting easier.

The more I thank Him for each and every circumstance my perspective on life has been slowly changing.

And it’s been good.

Good to have a new, fresh persective on things.

And seeing the good things that have come of it, a new perspective, a new outlook, makes me want to thank Him more.

So, yeah, it tough sometimes, but it’s worth it and it helps.

I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I lived it with thankfulness and joy…that is not often how I do live (I tend towards pessimism)…but by choosing today (And tomorrow and tomorrow) to be thankful I CAN look back and see a pattern of thankfulness and therefore a thankful life.

So, my friend. I encourage you to be thankful for your circumstances, no matter what they may be, and I encourage you to live a whole life of thankfulness to the Lord.

Valentine’s Day II

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, my first major/minor holiday with out my dad.

It was hard in a way.

I did follow through with my intentions of giving dad a flower, a little card and taking it to the cemetery.

My husband and I bought a bunch of flowers for my mom and I took one flower from it for my dad. I made a little card, with a handdrawn heart on the front and inside I wrote, ‘Dad — Thank you for making each and every Valentine’s Day special. I love you. –Hannah’.

We took it to the cemetery in the early afternoon. We had gotten some snow the few days prior, so the ground was all white and wet and I thought it would be hard to find the place where dad was laid. Turns out, it was relatively easy to find. My mom had picked out a place underneath a tree (Which dad would have liked) and the grave was fresh, so it wasn’t too difficult to find. I put the flower and card by the gravesite, in the snow. My husband and I stood there and cried…in the bitter cold, in the snow, by the grave. Difficult. Hard. Worth it. I love my dad. (Very thankful for my husband as he supported me in this).

Later, we went to visit my mom. We gave her the flowers. She, in turn, had a Valentine’s card and candy for each of us, in the same tradition that my dad had started. She kept it going. I don’t know if I was expecting her to. But she did. I’m thankful she did and for the strength she showed doing it. Mom said it was one of the hardest things she had done since dad passed. Standing in the card aisle at the dollar store, picking out 27 cards…one for each of her children and grandchildren, remembering my dad, trying not to cry.

My heart hurts. It’s still hurting.