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No Second Guesses

Yesterday I was working on my Etsy shop, Land of My Sojourn.

I started this shop two years ago, in an flurry of faith and ‘I’m going for it’, without really having a clear vision of what I’d actually sell.

But at the beginning of this year, after two years of finding a process for making journals, I decided to reactive my shop and really, truly ‘go for it’. Put them out there on Etsy, share them on FB, and see what would happen. Not let them just sit there, but promote them, actively, just not pushy (No one likes pushy. I hate pushy myself).

So this year, I started my shop again with the tag line as ‘Handmade Journals using Reclaimed Materials’.

But, maybe, I felt that wasn’t quite ‘good enough’, or I wanted, as I told my husband, to ‘Put some heart into it. Some feeling.’ Not just, ‘Here are some journals for who knows what and why’, but them to actually have purpose and meaning behind them.

So I changed the tag line to ‘Handcrafted Journals for Seasons of Life’. And to somehow tie it in with this blog and the IG page I have for, what I call, LOMS (Land of My Sojourn). This is specific, but I’m not really TRYING. It’s just there.

(With Ruministics, it’s a LOT of TRYING. A LOT OF TRYING.)

This, though, this blog, these journals, it’s just there. The IG page is a little more work that I don’t like; sometimes I post, sometimes I don’t, but in a way I feel it’s more of an extension of what I’m doing here, and somehow, for some reason, all three go together.

After yesterday, when I was working on the shop, I was talking to my husband about it and I was second guessing myself.

MAYBE I shouldn’t have changed the tag line.

MAYBE I am confusing people when (IF) they come to my shop (Let’s be honest, I’ve only sold one thing so far).

MAYBE I shouldn’t have this whole thing about Seasons and Seasons of Life and having each journal be FOR a Season.

WHY can’t it just BE a journal? WHY does it have to be FOR something?

Why don’t I just go back to it being about the reclaimed materials? And have THAT be the focus?

WHY do I even need a focus???

WHY am I complicating things??? (Because I tend to complicate things.)

SO MANY Second Guesses.

AND yet…and yet…

I woke up this morning full of faith. Something was stirring in me in regards to faith and coming into my own as an artist/creative person.

NO MORE Second Guesses. No. I’m done. Maybe this has to do with me trying (Again) to kick self-negativity out the door. I don’t know.

But WHY can’t I just BE myself and do what I do and who cares if someone is uber confused when they come to my shop? Because, honestly, I think it makes some sort of sense and if it makes sense to me, wouldn’t it make some sort of sense to someone else?

And with these journals, I’m not necessarily trying to reach The Masses. I’m trying to be true to the creativity that God put in me and true to how He wants me to express myself through what He’s given me.

I also feel, deeply, that other artistic/creative people will track with what I’m doing. That really, I AM NOT alone in this endeavor.

That there are other free-spirited, artistic, creative, wild-at-heart, traveler-type, wanderlusting people in this world who TOTALLY GET what I’m doing.

So, therefore, no changing. I’m sticking to this. No Second Guesses. THIS is what I’m doing.

Obviously, things change along the way (In biz & Etsyland) and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s more: I am not going to vacilate between Reclaimed Materials and Seasons of Life. I’m sticking with the Seasons (And using reclaimed materials as my medium).

Faith

I feel faith rising in me.

Maybe this is like the Boiling Point.

Sometimes this rush of faith, or what you have it, energy, doesn’t last long. It’s a rising faith, it’s a rising in me, that peters out somewhat quickly. A rush of faith.

But No. Not this time. I feel faith rising in me.

I feel faith rising in me to step into my God-given role as a mother (I’m not one now).

I feel faith rising in me that THIS is the time for my business/career to take off (I have a business; career is not really existent)..

I feel faith rising in me that THIS is the time for me to step into my God-ordained role as an artist/creative.

NOW is the time.

I feel faith rising in me.

And tomorrow, when I have to go to work cleaning houses, how will my faith be?

I feel faith, if even smaller than a mustard seed, rising in me.

I feel faith rising in me.

How will my faith feel tomorrow?

Faith is being sure of what we cannot see.

I cannot see my children. I cannot, to a point, see what my career will look like…in the natural. In the physical. BUT, I CAN see them in the spiritual. In my mind’s eye, I see them. I see it. I see it.

I feel faith rising in me.

Tomorrow, who knows, but today…yes, I feel faith rising in me.

I’m going with it. I’m going with it. Maybe today I have faith because tomorrow I will need to print this blog out and tape it to my mirror as a testimony that ONE day I did have faith for what I’m walking through now (In the future).

That at One Point I had faith to believe that NOW is the time to have children, to step into a creative career (Yes, I’m owning it – CAREER).

I’m NOT, by ANY means, into this whole ‘name it and claim it’ faith stuff.

BUT, Faith is Real and God is in my by His Holy Spirit giving me faith to believe that NOW is the time. NOW IS THE TIME.

And maybe my faith can boost your faith; encourage your faith; that whatever you’ve been waiting for, whatever you’ve been struggling for, wrestling for, hoping for, believing for…that NOW is the time to step into the role, the career, the whatever God designed you for. That NOW is the time.

YES, LORD.

I feel faith rising in me.

This is a unedited post. It just spilled out and here it is. Real and raw.

Seasons

I was at my sister’s house yesterday helping her rearrange her kid’s bedroom. She has three kids; five, three and a six month old. They live in a two bedroom house; relatively small. Her goal in rearranging their room was to get all the kids in one room, so she put up bunkbeds for the two oldest and a crib for the baby. Once we had the bunkbeds in place, we had to find a way for the other furniture to fit. But…she had a lot of furniture in their room, so we took out a cabinet and ultimately took out the rocking chair. In the midst of deciding where to place everything my sister was getting slightly frustrated and was like, If I didn’t have the baby, or if he was older we wouldn’t have to deal with the crib. If we didn’t have the crib then it would be easier to rearrange the room.

I told her, “Enjoy this season”.

She was like, ‘What’s this about seasons?? Why is everyone telling me to enjoy the season?”

Because…life doesn’t happen again. This is the only time in your life you’ll have a five, three and six month old. Kids grow. Kids grow up. Kids grow up and leave the house. And, although I’m not a parent, I’m sure most, if not every parent is like, “I can’t wait for them them to…be potty trained…start school…grow…leave…”, especially when you’re in the midst of it like my sister is now. And then they do become potty trained, start school, learn to drive, go to college, grow, leave and as the parent you then sit and wonder, ‘When did THIS happen? Why didn’t I ‘enjoy the season’ more when they we’re little kiddos and I could snuggle them and read books and watch them embrace all the wonder of childhood?’

What’s this about seasons?

I’ve thought a lot about seasons the past 10 – 15 years. I went to a dance intensive in Montana in ’06 – ’07 and for our final project we had to create a dance and mine was about Seasons.

I think that dance was really what got my thinking about seasons, and seasons of life and What season am I in now?

Just the other day a couple ladies and I were talking about the seasons of the year and one said, “I like Winter. Maybe that’s because I’m in the Winter of my life’.

I feel like, for me, personally, it’s helpful to think about life in terms of seasons. Sometimes you don’t know what seasons you’re in until it has passed and you can look back and say, ‘Wow, that was a really hard season’ or ‘That was a really joyful season for me’, etc.

What season am I in now?

I want to say that I am in a season of hope, expectation and fruitfulness, although my circumstances make me feel more like it’s the opposite; hope seems to be draining away in regards to having children and the fact that we’re having a hard time makes me feel very fruitless. Maybe it’s the tension between hope and hopelessness, between fruitfulness and fruitlessness.

But I’m trying to be positive even in the circumstances and I’ve even created two perfume blends for this seaons to counteract my feelings of hopelessness and fruitlessness; named Hope and Fruitful, respectively (Also, working names. Maybe they’ll have real ones eventually).

There will be more to come on this topic of seasons, I’m sure.

But for now, What season are YOU in?

Solace, Comfort, Healing

There is a solace and comfort in writing.

The word Solace popped into my head a couple days ago and I really like it. It was almost like discovering a new word.

Solace: A source of comfort or consolation.

A Source. Yes, writing can be a source of comfort. It’s those Words…

I’m wondering if healing for me is coming through writing a blog. Getting my thoughts out there on a public, but personal platform. I don’t know exactly who reads these and what they think of them. Part of me wants to know. Part of me doesn’t (And somehow I feel like this ties in with Influence)

But a funny thing is happening as I write.

Healing is coming in my life.

For me to say that sounds really weird, but also kind of epic.

You see, I feel like I’ve been asking God for healing for a long time.

Like, years.

A couple of years ago I did some Biblical research on healing; how healing comes and how God heals us. I’m talking about healing from emotional wounds and self-criticsm rather than physical healing.

It’s hard to put a finger on HOW exactly we get healed from things we can’t see. Like negative words. Or body language from another person, even just an eye roll or a cynical laugh.

How do we heal from these things?

One of the things that stuck out to me in my research was Words. Words can be healing. And I’m typing words. Hence, healing, solace, comfort is coming into my life through me writing.

There is more on this subject to come in another post.

Influencing Thoughts

I was thinking the other day, and this was a new thought for me, that I want to be an Influencer.

I feel the term Influencer is a main-steam, brand-related, Worldly term, so I think that’s why that thought surprised me. Me? An Influencer? Ha. Not even close.

But if I take a step away from what Influencing is and represents in today’s virtual society, then, Yes, I DO want to be an ‘influencer’.

I’m much more comfortable being in the background, a follower and not a leader, someone who is told what to do, someone who is influenced by others, and not the one who does the influencing.

But still, that being said, there is something in me that wants to be someone who reaches out to others and touched their lives for the good, aka, an Influencer.

Something in Edwin Raphael McManus’ touched on in his book The Artisan Soul is HOW our creativity affects others…which is something I often don’t think about. How will others respond to what I make? How will this influence their lives for the good? How will others react?

More often than not, I just create as self-expression, not caring, or thinking, how others will be influenced by what I make. This is not necessarily always true, but more often it is.

And I don’t necessarily have to stop how or what I create and start doing things differently, but it’s almost more of an Awareness that what I am making/writing/creating Will be seen by someone and that person will be affected by it.

I feel this ties in with a lot of different areas in my life right now, especially in business. I’m about to launch new packaging for Ruministics. It’s been over a year in the making…and I think Why am I doing this? I think people will like it and it’s more focused than anything I’ve done before. It gives me a focus (Which I so desperately need) and the packaging is really, really pretty. How others will react remains to be seen. This is a leap of faith and really kind of scary for me. Hoping to dive into wholesale more (Of which I know nothing about) and maybe away from farmer’s markets.

BUT, although this is a leap for me, this is a big opportunity for me to Influcence others with this shift and change through marketing and social media. I feel it will be more lifestyle, more depth, more focus and that is a good thing. It’s not about selling random body care products and random places with no depth and structure.

It is one way I can influence others for the good and I need to look at it as relationship building and NOT selling something. Because people don’t like sales pitches, but they DO like friends and someone they can relate to. This is what I want to give them.

How does YOUR art and creativity influence and affect others? How can YOU be a positive influence in the lives of the people around you?

Learning from MJ

A couple weeks ago I went to the library after a five month, COVID-related hiatus (ie, the library was closed). One of the books I borrowed was ‘Listen Out Loud’ by Ron Weisner, manager, at one time or another, of Madonna, Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

Since finishing aforementioned book I’ve been somewhat fascinated with Michael Jackson. I grew up with Michael Jackson being all the rage in the 80’s, but had never really delved into learning about his career, etc (The Beatles on the other hand, I read a LOT about). This book gave me a first hand look into his early solo career and the way Weisner retells it would make anyone fascinated with him.

Whatever else Michael Jackson may have been, he was a fantastic entertainer, performer, and artist.

This paragraph in the book stuck out to me, “After they [Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson] were happy with the tracks Quincy and Michael mixed and mastered the entire [Off the Wall] album, at which point Quincy, in his infinite wisdom, said, ‘We’re all too close to this record. Let’s take some time away from it, come back in two weeks, and listen with some fresh ears. Everybody’s gotta walk away’. Two weeks later, they listened again and remixed practically the entire album…To me, that’s more proof that Quincy Jones is a true artist , because any true artist – musician, painter, writer, fashion designer – will always question his or her art. True artists will wonder, What if I’d played a C# instead of an F#, or Might cerulean have been a better choice than navy, and maybe they’ll answer those questions, and maybe they won’t, but they’ll always wonder how or if they could make their work better. But even if they question it, they’ll know when they can call it done, and that’s something Quincy brought to the table. Michael could tinker with a track for weeks, so he needed someone to tell him, That’s fine, let’s move on to the next one“.

That stuck out to me because I think Weisner really calls attention to the tension between being better and perfectionism.

There is such freedom in knowing that you ARE doing or HAVE done the best job you can do with where you’re at and that your best really is enough. But, again, there’s this tension of ‘I did the best I could, now how can I make it better‘? (As I touched on in this post).

Growing is a good thing, being better than you were is a good thing. But perfectionism? Not knowing When to say When or Enough is Enough? Not so great. Perfectionism is a hard thing to live with. No grace, no It’s Ok I did the best I could.

Michael Jackson took things to another level, according to Weisner, he was interested in making history, doing things better and different than anyone else had done them. And he successed very well in being the top of the top in music and entertainment. He pushed himself, he worked long, long, long hours and it showed (I love this video). But did he know Grace?

A Million Ways

Earlier this week I was praying with two good friends of mine. Before and after we pray we always talk in order to spur each other on in the faith, encourage one another, etc.

One of my friends, as she was talking, casually said ‘There are a million ways to love’.

It was a part of a phrase, a little blip in the conversation, and she kept on talking, finishing her train of thought without stopping, but I felt the Holy Spirit stop me with that thought: ‘There are a million ways to love’.

And all this week I’ve been thinking about it.

There are a million ways to LOVE.

So often I go through life focused on myself; my day, my work, my schedule, my plan, my food, my friends, my family, my TV show, my Instagram feed, my, My, MY. It’s all about ME.

And how often do I stop to show love to the people around me? Is the motivation behind what I DO (My schedule, my plan, my work) focused on loving others? Is it focused on showing love to the people around me?

Honestly, no, it’s not.

We, or shall I say ‘I’, get so focused on myself, what I want to do today, this week, this month, that I don’t stop to show love to other people.

I may think that what I do is loving, but is it truly loving to the other person? Do they see it as a loving act?

How intentional am I about loving others?

Now, granted, some ways to show love we don’t even think about, it seems to be second nature.

For example: I hold my husband’s hand across the dinner table automatically, not truly thinking about it, it’s just what I do. I guess that habit was formed when we were dating (Which poses another question: Do we love habitually?). Holding his hand is one of a million ways I can show love to my husband.

If there’s anything I think the Holy Spirit is showing me this week it’s this: How can I intentionally love others; like TRULY love them and not be so focused on myself.

It may be just holding my husband’s hand across the dinner table, or offering freshly picked peaches to my neighbors, whatever it is, I need to practice putting love into action.

What is one of the million ways you can love others?

Some Pains

My husband and I would like to start a family. In fact, we’ve been ‘trying, not trying’ for four years now, which is how long we’ve been married. Nothing.

Granted, I did get married when I was 36, so, yes, I admit, a little late to the party, but that seems to be how my life goes, or how is going. Lots of waiting and being late to parties. 🙂

Anywho, we’d like to start a family. Even though I didn’t get married until I was 36, that ISN’T too late to start a family. And even now, the OB I met with assured me that, ‘You can have a baby at 40’.

However, nothing has happened, despite our best efforts.

So, now we’re on a road that I didn’t exactly want to be on; fertility issues. We’ve done testing, seen some Drs, have some decisions to make. Now that we’re on this path of, “Is there anything wrong physically? Genetically? Biologically? Do we adopt? Do we do treatment?”, etc. All the questions I was hoping I wouldn’t have to ask.

But here we are. So now that wer’re on this path, my husband and I have been having a lot of fertility conversations.

We were talking yesterday, Adam and I, and in the course of our conversation I said that I’ve known a lot of pains…The Pain of being Single, the Pain of Waiting, the Pain of Fertility Issues — Wanting to have a child, but not being able to.

I also said that there were some Pains I HAVEN’T had to deal with, esp in regards to Fertility.

The Pain of Miscarriage,
The Pain of Stillbirth,
The Pain of Having a Sick/Hospitialized Child,
The Pain of Losing a Child (Due to any number of causes)

There are many Pains I haven’t had, at this point, to deal with. Singleness, which can be very painful, is a breeze compared to some of these things.

I met a lady once when I was a teenager at a baby shower. She was part of a support group for women who had miscarriages, fertility issues, etc. This particular woman I met had had sixteen miscarriages. Count them, SIX-TEEN. I can’t even imagine the pain that this woman had been through. Then and now, I. can’t. even. imagine.

So, here we are, Adam and I, on this path. I don’t know how long we’ll be here, or what will happen. I don’t know if we’ll ever have to deal with some of the Pains we haven’t experienced yet. That’s not necessarily up to me to decide, that’s in God’s hands. However, I can trust that His hands are big enough to hold me and all my pain, no matter what it is.

A Bunch of Rambling

It’s way too late to be writing, and, yes, I am tired, but I also haven’t written in awhile and things seem to be building up again. I can feel an introspective, writing mood coming on and I’m going for it.

I think one of the things I like about writing is that you can edit. When you talk, you can filter (ie, ‘Think before you speak’), but once the words are said, you can’t undo them. Writing, you can write a bunch of crap and then just delete it all.

And I’m not much of a talker anyway, it’s not the most natural, enjoyable way for me to express myself (Public speaking? No, thank you), although needed (Obviously). And if you get to know me, I’ll talk more.

Still struggling with self-negativity. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise me. I mean, a habit is hard to break, esp one that you’ve been doing for years. And I wrestle with, ‘Will my business ever get off the ground?’ It’s been four years — isn’t that long enough? But I know the relatity is that Yes, it is, but also, No, it isn’t.

A helpful reminder in business is that ‘My life and worth does not depend on whether someone buys something from me or not’. Oh, yes, a sale helps boost my confidence and makes me feel like my time wasn’t wasted in coming to a market or show, but I have to keep reminding myself, for Real and actually Believing it, that my worth is NOT found in how much I sell, or what I make, or what people think about it.

Sometimes it is hard to believe.

My self-worth is in God and in who He says I am to Him. I am His child, His workmanship, I am created to be here on this earth for Him, and really, Him alone. I am here for His pleasure. Man, I need this reminder in my life Every Day.

Yesterday was Friday and at my dad’s studio, cleaning, I was just so…tired…I felt like I wanted to cry. This year has been hard in many ways. And I know that other people have had it much harder than myself or Adam — people who have lost jobs or loved ones due to COVID.

I think that feeling down on myself, dealing with self-negativity, is tiring. It’s wearing on the soul.

Something that makes self-negativity worse is being on social media, or just media in general, whether a book, magazine, website, blog, news articles, or what-have-you. I know I’ve said this before. But it’s so true. It’s this whole comparison game. And I don’t want to play it anymore. I like games, but this is not a fun one.

Media feeds this comparison game. I wonder if I’ll ever ‘measure up’ to This or That blog, person, website, social media feed, etc. And this makes me tired.

Because I CAN’T keep up. I think having a business also magnifies this too.

Media = feeds comparison > which in turn, Feeds self-negativity and like I can’t ‘measure up’ > which in turn, Makes my heart tired > which in turn, Makes me sad, depressed, frustrated, angry, dissatisfied, not content, you name it, etc.

I want freedom. I want freedom.

Business; because when you have a business everyone is vying for your attention; ‘You have to do THIS marketing tactic to get people following you’, ‘You have to have THIS website in order to make the sales’, ‘You have to post on SM 2,000 x a day in order to XYZ’ and you most defintely HAVE to ‘Send out an e-mail newsletter’ and you know what, it’s all just a bunch of bull crap. There is absolutely nothing wrong with marketing your business, in fact, you should, and an online media platform may be the BEST way, but it’s not THE ONLY way. A lot of SM is so worldly anyway (Yes, even the Xian ones). And then you throw someone like me in the mix who DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING BUT ARE TRYING ANYWAY and I feel trampled on, like I can’t keep up.

Life ISN’T about trying to ‘keep up’, but so many of us try, including myself. What am I really trying to keep up WITH? And to WHO? Chip and Joanna Gaines? Forget it (I don’t even like their style anyway. Give me Justina Blakney any day).

It’s getting later and I really should go to bed. Some people may perk up after midnight, but not me. My sweet husband let me have some time to process tonight, to pray, to read the Bible, to write.

This is a bunch of rambling, and that’s ok. I’m just processing and I need that. God loves me how I am and He loves you too. I’ll take that positive thought and stick with it. And remember that my worth is not in what I do, what I sell, what I make, but in who He made me to be. Me, created for His pleasure and enjoyment. Same goes for you too.

Boiling Point II

Again, it’s this Boiling Point. (But this boiling point is a little different than this one)

This ‘dream’ if you will, in me, that needs to come out into reality. This community of creatives and contemplatives, together.

This community of artisans who are building the tabernacle of God in the wilderness.

I was telling my husband this morning — as these things are stirring in me yet again – about this ‘dream’ (Sometimes I don’t like that word!), this community, this prayer room, artist’s spaces, hospitality place, this studio space and business incubator, local maker space, a building, city restoration, etc.

I don’t think, by the look on his face, that I had ever mentioned this to him. He’s not necessarily a visionary by any means, and that’ s ok. And so here, I unload all this ‘vision’ on him and he’s trying to understand and take it all in and process what I’m seeing as I try to describe a place, a building, of Boiler Room prayer, artists spaces, shop and hospitality apartment.

Maybe this is all just me?

Maybe it’s not.

But this ‘thing’ in me is NOT too far fetched. Having a building for my own personal studio/maker space, having a little storefront, facilitating other local maker studio spaces, and owning a little short-term rental room or small apartment is NOT outside the realm of possibility. It’s ENTIRELY possible.

And it’s not about me. It’s not about me.

It’s about: Artisans building the tabernacle in the wilderness.

Artisans = Community of creatives and contemplatives

Building = Working together to make something; each working on their part of the tabernacle

Tabernacle = God’s dwelling place; a place where God dwells

Desert/Wilderness = Our current society and culture

Why? To bring people to Jesus. To glorify Jesus. For restoration of cities and hearts. And so much more.

Why, in a desert or wilderness, a spiritually and/or physically, dry place, do you need art, creativity and contemplation? Don’t you need just the essentials to survive? To survive the heat, the journey, the road ahead, foraging for sustenance (Or in the Israelites case, God gave them miraculous food from heaven every day), looking for water, etc.

I’m sure more will come on this.

This is just the beginning.