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Gained, Instead of Lost

As things slowly get back to ‘normal’ (Or a new normal) I’m tempted to think of all the things I will lose when things start back up again. Time lost, mostly. I’ll be doing other things so I won’t be able to do all the things I ‘want’ to do and build my skill level on bookbinding, or bring out what I see in my head as far as books/journals go. And there is lost time. And with lost time comes the potential to lose what I’ve gained during this time.

But really, I need to see it as how much I have gained during this season, not how much I may lose. Because I have gained a lot. I’ve gained a blog. I’ve gained time with my husband. I’ve gained a huge increase in my bookbinding skill set. I’ve gained new packaging on my business products. I’ve gained a trademark. I’ve gained confidence. I’ve gained a lot on my walk from self-negativity to freedom.

I’ve gained a lot. And I’m really, really thankful for that.

Thoughts & Interruptions

It’s been a few days since I’ve written due to the fact that I’ve been going back to work. But, another day off today, so here I am.

It seems the morning is when my mind is working the most with thoughts and ideas and things to say.

Of course, I’ve known that before, but this season at home has really magnified that for me. If I’m not writing by 9a, I feel all the things I want to say are lost and I could write even earlier than that.

Like this morning, it’s just past 8:30, but all the thoughts I had in my head earlier aren’t coming back and they were some ones I wanted to explore more and write about. Maybe they will come back.

What’s more important? Me writing, or listening to my husband? Me trying to capture some thoughts and put on paper, or listening to my husband? Because he just ‘interrupted’ my writing and I struggle…’Listen, Hannah, listen to your husband. What he has to say is important,’ ‘But what was that thought I was JUST thinking and was about to write down when he started talking to me…?’, ‘Listen to your husband’, ‘What WAS that thought??’. Sigh. It’s gone. And now my husband is working and the thought is gone. Maye it will come back. But if it doesn’t, I’ll know I did the right thing by giving my husband the attention he deserves. And if the thought doesn’t come back, then maybe it wasn’t that great anyway and there’s something better or different I need to say.

Best We Know How

We’re all doing the best we know how.

We’re all following Jesus the best we know how (Why does that person think THAT?? Because they’re only acting out of what they know, the best they know. To them, that is right).

We’re all making art the best we know how.

Again it’s loving that process, that time, that season that we’re in. This is where I’m at now, this is where my knowledge is at right now. I’m only doing what I know how to do and doing it the best I know how to do it.

As we grow, as we learn, as we share, we gain knowledge and understanding and maybe what our best was five years ago, isn’t necessarily our best now. Because we grow and change. And now we are doing the best we know how now.

As I grow in my bookbinding skills, what I did ten years ago, was maybe my best then, but it isn’t my best now. Because I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’ve learned, I’ve increased my skill set. And it’s a good thing. I’ve gotten better. HOWEVER, I can’t think that what I did ten years ago wasn’t my best. That’s comparing myself to myself. I was only doing the best I knew how THEN. I was still growing, exploring, changing, trying things out, learning.

And that is one of the ways in which we grow. We grow by doing. By doing the best we know how in the season we’re in now, by doing what we know now. And then as knowledge, skills, increase, then we can do better.

It’s all a process of growth, of change and of doing the best we can where we’re at now.

Comments & Criticism

So often I don’t share my work with others (On social media or otherwise) because I am afraid of their comments. And what they will think. I don’t want to have to deal with comments (Unless I specifically need feedback). I don’t want to deal with criticism. My art is my art and who cares if you like it?

Can my heart truly handle unasked for comments and criticism? Can my heart handle rejection?

And yet, we all long to be known somehow and to share things. And so, sometimes, I share things.

Am I afraid of other people’s comments because I am too hard on myself? Because I self-criticise too much? And if I do, then other people’s criticism and comments are just reinforcing what I am telling myself. That what I do is not good, or that it should be different, or like someone else’s art/craft/style. But when I really look at the comments when I share things on social media, 99.9% of them are good comments, not negative.

Or, am I afraid of comments because, if they are good, I have to sort of downplay myself, and say, ‘Oh, it’s not that great. It’s just something I whipped up’, etc. But I don’t have to do that. Just say, “Thank you. I’m glad you’re enjoying it’ and be done.

As much as I don’t want to share my art or style with others because I am afraid of the comments, I do because I want to be open.

Sometimes I vascilate between pride and humility. I argue with myself: I want to share, I don’t want to share, I’m excited to share, What will people think?, This is beautiful, I am happy with how this turned out and want to share this accomplishment with others, etc.

If I never share, that would be giving in to pride, because I don’t want my feelings hurt from what other people might say.

I am quick to think that what I do is not any good.

Maybe I am writing this blog and not sharing it with family and friends because I want to be autonomous. I don’t want anyone who I know to know that these are my thoughts. Oh, how silly can I be? But I don’t share because maybe I think what I have done is good and don’t want it to be ‘marred’ by what other people think. If I’m good with it, why do I need to know what other people think about it?

But sharing can be an act of humility and of being open to what others think is humility. It is not thinking that I know all about XYZ, but being open to what others think and say about a certain piece can be humbling and a growing experience.

Do I try to please people too much with what I create? And therefore am not free to do complete self-expression? Because I’m basing what I make, before it is made, on what other people will think?

Just some thoughts to think about.

Confidence & Sharing

I feel like this will turn into a book one day.

Because I want to share these thoughts with others.

I just don’t have the patience to collect everything right now and put it in book form.

Also, all books have other people to help the author out. To actually put their random thoughts into a book that will make sense to other people. Right now, everything I’m writing, it’s not that it doesn’t make sense, but it shouldn’t necessarily published outside of a blog because the posts don’t exactly fit together in a logical way, even if they’re on the same topic. And they’re published at different times.

I was talking with someone the other day and told her about this blog that I was writing and how it has been, in a way, healing for me to get my thoughts out in a personal, but public way, and how I wanted someone to read this because I WANT this to help someone. I want my experiences to help others. Not in a selfish way (Look at what I’ve gone through!), but because I know that there are other people who are walking through what I’m going through as far as art and comparison and self-negativity are concerned and I want this to help others find freedom too.

I have something to share with others. I feel like that is something I want to embrace more fully too. I feel like I’ve lived half my life, or more than half my life on the sidelines, doing what other people want me to do and feeling like I don’t have anything to share with others because what they are doing is ‘so much better’ than what I’m doing. But No. That’s not right thinking. I DO have something to share with others and I want to share it with others.

I feel like on this walk from self-negativity to freedom, part of the journey is realizing that I do have things to share with others and to be confident in sharing it.

My brother says a lot, ‘You can say anything, and people will believe you, if you say it with confidence.” (Or words to that effect)

You may not know what you’re talking about, but if you’re confident in how you say it, people will believe you.

And, my heart in wanting to share things is not necessarily to tell a bunch of lies confidently and have people believe me because I sound like I know what I’m talking about, but realizing that I don’t have to have it all together – life, art, house, kids, etc – in order to be confident and share what I’m walking through with other people. I can be confident in what I am sharing because this is my experience. I can be confident in my experiences and confidently share them with others. So I am.

Musings

All this is coming from the reflective, pondering, musing part of me. All this blog/writing stuff. You may think that because I am writing a blog, then I am a Writer. But, like I said, this is really just my thoughts, coming from the deep reflective part of me. The Serious part of me. The serious part of me…and maybe that serious part of me is the Real me. The Mature part of me. The not-people-pleasing part of me. The real, nitty-gritty of Who I am and who God made me to be.

The Real, deep part of me wants to write a novel. And I’ve started. I’ve started three of them actually.

Insprations: Cynthia Voigt, D.E. Stevenson, Erin Morgenstern, The Time-Travelers Wife, Robin McKinley, L’Engle, Godden, Elswyth Thane, Lewis…so if I do actually write a novel and it is reminiscent of any of these authors (Or books), then you’ll know why. But if it isn’t, then, well, it came out of nowhere and is just how I write.

I’m so practical in my every day life, how could I write a fantasy novel?

I’m a weird mix of practical and daydreamer. Of teacher and contemplative. Of traveler and homebody. Of smart and simple. Of minimalist and wanting Stuff. So, whatever novel I write will be a weird mix of the practical and fantasy. Of the boring and wild. I tend to think of myself as Not a Writer. How can I write a Novel? Ugh, I’m Way Too Practical. Can’t let my imagination go. I’m too Controlling…of the characters, plot line, etc. instead of just letting the character do what they want and letting the plot go where it wants to go.

The only real way to write is to just write. And then write and then write. It doesn’t have to be Planned. In fact, if it’s Planned, it’s probably not good. Haha.

I had drafted this blog post, thinking I would add more to it, but I’m publishing it how it is. This is just me.

Artisan Soul

Not sure exactly what I’m going to be writing about, but I am just writing.

My old boss called me today. Wants me to come back to work. I am still processing this. Simply because it’s been so nice having this time where I can process and think and dream and work on projects and keep myself busy and basically just do whatever I want to do. Back to work doesn’t really compute in my heaad right now.

But I haven’t finished This Project! And what about my blogging that I’ve been doing almost every morning? Will I be able to still do that? It seems I’ve filled my days quite peacefully and nicely working on all these projects, do I really WANT to go back to work?

In a way, yes. It will be nice to have some money coming in and be out and about a little again. I mean, the hours would be small and maybe only half days so I’ll still have some time to work on things. But it won’t exactly be how it is now. I knew this would be short enough season, so I think that’s why I’ve been working on projects a lot…because I know I have a limited amount of time to get things done before things go back to semi-normal.

Out, about, driving, commitments, seeing people (To a point), etc.

I know I can continue to work on my projects, but it just won’t quite be the same. But we need the money and I don’t mind working. Haven’t exactly quit my day job to blog and who knows if that will every actually happen (I’m ok if it doesn’t).

BUT, this season has put a lot of things in place for me as far as I’ve started a lot…I’ve been able to get a lot done as far as working on my bookbinding, as far as business marketing has gone, as far as getting new packaging together for my biz rebrand, things have been moving. And I would like to continue a lot of that stuff when I do go back to work.

Things may look different, but it doesn’t mean that I have to fill my life with extra outside activities and push all my projects aside.

I can still continue to work on them. It just may mean that my time is a little more fragmented and I may not be able to get quite ‘as much’ done as I have been lately.

And that’s ok.

I’ve started reading ‘The Artisan Soul’ by Edwin McManus. And, although sometimes I find his writing a little hard to follow or to take in (Not that he isn’t good, it just takes me a min to understand what he’s saying), I’ve realized that I DO have an artisan soul. That WHO I AM inside is artistic. So no matter what I’m doing on the outside (Working at a job, working on a project, working on a dance, cleaning, doing laundry, taking a walk, etc) my soul is still artistic. I’m still an artistic person no matter what I’m doing.

So, even when I go back to work tomorrow, no matter how long or short of a time I’m there, I’m still artistic. That isn’t going away no matter what I’m doing.

And that makes me feel better. I can still practice my art, my craft, and see beauty around me and get inspiration no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

Just the Next Season

I feel like I’ve been asking God for a life vision, my whole life, but really it seems He just gives me the next season.

Sometimes I think He gives me specific things He wants me to do in life, specific to the gifts and talents He’s given me. Like serving others, nurturing others, hospitality, but even extending to the desires He’s put in me to travel, create art, to make a home for my family, be a mother, etc.

But a lot of time He just gives us the next season of life and the specifics of that. ‘Sufficient for the day is its own trouble’.

So I ask, ‘What do You want me to do, what do You have for me, in the next season of life?’

Bite sized.

In this specific season, like I’ve mentioned before, it’s this weird creativity that is suddently happening, this writing a blog (Huh?! Me, blog?!?), this making books, this putting my stuff (Or myself??) on Etsy and having my LOMS Insta take off a little bit more (The 1% remember?). It’s weird. And I LIKE it.

Yes. I like it. It feels REALLY GOOD.

Right now I’m not necessarily asking what the next season is; I’m just enjoying THIS one, because I know sooner or later there will be a new normal we all will be living and this specific season will not necessarily last (Although it is being prolonged as the City announced they’ll revisit the Stay at Home order in mid-May, not this week as originally thought).

But I do have some fears about the new normal we will be living. Not necessarily wearing a mask to the grocery store or staying six feet away from ppl, because that’s already our normal. By fears I think, ‘Will I go back to being stressed? Tired? Anxious? Trying to make ends meet on my own accord? Thinking I have to somehow ‘catch up’ to others? To make something of myself? To strive?’

Because I feel that’s how I WAS living before COVID. And it wasn’t necessarily healthy. And there’s still some of that in me because I am human and humans compare and compete and strive and try to be better. We try to make something of ourselves. But I feel during this season there’s a lot less of a need in me to compete, to strive to BE something, to compare myself with others because there’s literally no one around to compare myself to.

Maybe I’ve gotten off track a little from my original thought and this was going to be a one-liner blog that’s turned into something a lot longer.

This is how I talk. I write. My writing (And my dancing) is my talking. So, really, I’m just talking to myself and processing this season of life. Ah! Full circle! 🙂

Emptiness & the Artist Date

The Morning Pages have really helped me to, how do I even say it, make things? To, I guess use what Julie Cameron says, ‘unblock’ me. I feel a flow of creativity coming out that I don’t know if I’ve had before. It’s weird. And is it just because of the morning pages?

But I’m also feeling empty in a way. Like, I can’t keep this up. And this is where I think the Artist Date that Cameron talks about in the Artist Way comes into play. If all you’re doing is creating, creating, creating and giving yourself to ideas and design and colors and patterns, at some point, you’re going to feel spent. You’re going to feel empty. And this is when you need time to fill yourself back up again, in a way, to a point. If you’re constantly giving, then you’re going to get dry. It’s bound to happen. No one is a total and complete source of inspiration, ideas, etc of their own. And I think that goes for famous painters, artists, etc. They even need to get filled from something outside themselves.

I haven’t taken any artists dates yet since I started the morning pages back up again. And maybe because we’re still under the Stay at Home order and I CAN’T really go anywhere besides the park and the grocery store. I’m not going to be going to the Art Museum or browsing Hobby Lobby any time soon or what have you. So it’s a little more difficult. So, it’s trying to be creative in this time to fill myself up. Maybe it’s reading a book, or watching a movie or even gardening, or painting the house or decorating a room. Something that keeps the ‘child artist’ in me happy and alive and filled, while NOT working on any specific art/work projects. Maybe that is even reading more of Cameron’s book and letting myself daydream a bit.

But this time has been very interesting creative-wise for me…to say the least.