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Physical Therapy For The Soul, Part III

In the first two parts of this three part series, I looked into physical therapy; what it was and what the emotional equivalent of physical therapy would be. I looked at differences and similarities and contrasts between these two therapies. In this third part, I am going to attempt to delve into what the spiritual equivalent of physical therapy would be.

What is the spiritual equivalent of physical therapy? When I went to physical therapy for my back, neck and rib issues I worked one-on-one with a trained physical therapist once a week for an hour over a course of six weeks doing specific exercises. With emotional therapy, or what I found to be similar, was going to see a trained counselor or talk therapist, meeting with the counselor once a week for an hour over the course of a year, talking about my life issues. If I looked at what the spiritual equivalent would be, I could easily say it is a spiritual director of sorts, kind of like a counselor that you meet with on a regular basis like once a week or once a month, but instead of talking about your life story and emotional issues, you’re talking about spiritual issues.

However, if I really want to unpack what spiritual therapy would be, what it looks like, and how it may be similar or different to physical therapy, I have to take a step back and look more deeply into what ‘therapy’ actually is.

We come to physical therapy with an issue. Something in our life was broken or sprained or causing pain and needs mending and help in the healing process. We want to be able to do something physically without pain or like we used to do it before the injury happened. We come looking for restoration. There may be more pain and sore muscles while we heal and get stronger, but we know it is worth it.

With emotional therapy or counseling it is similar in the fact that we have a realization that something in our life is broken; there are issues we face, emotional pain we want to have healed. We want someone to help us along the healing path of life to restore relationships with others and ourselves. There may be emotional pain as we go through this process and oftentimes things may look worse before they get better, but we know it will be worth it, no matter how long the process takes.

What is ‘therapy’? The American Heritage Collage Dictionary gives a short definition of ‘therapy’ as the ‘Treatment of illness or disability’. The word ‘therapeutic’ in the same dictionary is being defined as ‘Having or exhibiting healing powers’. I feel like these definitions are very straightforward and somewhat clinical.

What do I think of when I think of ‘therapy’ or ‘therapeutic’? I think of ‘therapeutic’ as being comforting, healing, bringing solace and peace to not just my heart, but my mind and body. I think of it as being something that mends, that brings life and renewal and restoration.

There are many different things in life that can be considered ‘therapeutic’. For me, and many of you know this already, but writing is therapeutic for me. It gives me peace, it brings me comfort as I process life through the written word. It gives me a chance to express myself and put words to what I am feeling inside and that is healing to my heart and mind and soul. Walking is another form of therapy — a simple healing tool in my life that bring peace and solace to my mind and body. Another is Reading, and yet another is Music. The list goes on. Even Cooking and Baking can sometimes be therapeutic for me, as long as I allow enough time for me to enjoy it. And ‘enjoyment’ can be very key; how can something be therapeutic and healing in our life, if we don’t enjoy it?

Our spiritual life is a part of everything we do. We are whole people; mind, body, soul, spirit. Everything comes together; several parts of a whole. We can find spiritual therapy, if you will, in the things that we do, actions and activities that bring us life and joy. In contrast, if we allow ourselves the chance to rest, to be and not constantly do, we may find comfort and solace in difficult and also not-so-difficult times of life. Spiritual therapy can be a balance of doing activities we enjoy — yes, even work or our job — and times of resting and rejuvenation. I know that there are spiritual directors out there in the world, whose job it is to lead you on a path of spiritual seeking or renewal. People who act as guides on a spiritual level and not just emotional, kind of like a counselor who you meet with for an hour on a regular basis for a set amount of time, as I mentioned above. And spiritual directors are needed.

And yet, can we not find pockets of spiritual therapy in our every day lives without the need of a director? In this way is where I believe spiritual therapy differs from physical therapy. I would not have gotten to the physical place I am, ie, not in pain, without the exercises I did when I went to PT. I had to have someone guide me through the physical pain because they were the professional and I had no idea how to fix myself. Whereas, spiritually, I don’t necessarily have to go specifically to a human spiritual director in order to find, and enjoy, spiritual therapy in my own life. I have the Holy Spirit, who is also my Guide and my Counselor in life; HE is my Guide — I can go to Him any time day or night for rest, rejuvenation and solace. I go to Him and He is the one who leads me through spiritual exercises that bring healing to my spirit. These exercises could be as simple as reading my Bible on a regular basis, being involved in a local church and community of believers, taking time for prayer and worship, surrounding myself with people who love Jesus and who can speak truth into my life. As long as I am putting myself in a posture to hear what the Holy Spirit is saying to me and I am following Him, I can have spiritual direction and renewal. I am not saying that there aren’t times when we need extra help along the way in the form of a spiritual counselor, director or guide, because we do. In my own life I have greatly benefitted from talking with pastors and leaders regarding spiritual issues, but I also have the Holy Spirit to guide me and counsel me when those leaders were unavailable.

There are also specific Bible studies I can do to help strengthen my spiritual muscles, whether I do these studies on my own or with a group of friends or believers. And maybe the real question surrounding spiritual therapy and how it relates to physical therapy is this: How can I strengthen my spiritual muscles? Is there a series of short exercises I can do every day that will help strengthen my spiritual muscles so I can put myself in a posture of listening and obedience to the Holy Spirit and therefore grow stronger in my relationship with Christ?

And so, my friends, I will leave you with that question and conclude this three part series.

Is there a series of short exercises you can do every day that will help strengthen your spiritual muscles so you can put yourself in a posture of listening and obedience to the Holy Spirit and therefore grow stronger in your relationship with Christ?

The Game of Life

I love games. I grew up in a household where we played games on a very regular basis. When my husband and I were first dating I told him, to give him a heads up, that we were ‘a game playing family’. My statement to him was, yes, a heads up, but also I wanted to feel him out in regards to games…did he like them too? He did? Ok, good. You’re in.

When I was growing up, my early years, my brothers and I, along with our friends, played the classic kid card games like War, Go Fish and Old Maid. I also remember playing very loud and rousing games of Tiddly Winks with my grandparents when they would babysit us for an evening. Checkers was another big game I played when I was younger, as well as Parchisi.

When I was a pre-teen my brothers and I moved on to Uno and Monopoly. Since my brothers and I were homeschooled we did our schoolwork, then played games. My one brother (Next oldest) and I would play games and games and games of Uno, keeping a running score — because what’s the point of playing a game if you don’t keep score? And there was no house rule when we played Uno of ‘drawing until you can play’ (Which is the worst made up Uno rule ever).

We also played a ton of games of Monopoly. The version of my Monopoloy that my famimly owned was the British version that my mom had bought it and brought back from London when she was there in the mid-70’s. So playing Monopoly growing up we played with the currency being pounds, with Boardwalk being Mayfair, with King’s Cross Station, Trafalgar Square (Which I pronounced ‘Tra-fa-lane-gar’ because I didn’t know any better. Don’t ask me where the ‘n’ came in because I’ve no idea), Picadilly Circus, Pall Mall and Whitehall. Believe me, when we finally got the American version when I was older, I was a little thrown off.

As I got older we added games like Chinese Checkers, Yahtzee and King’s Court. My grandparents taught us how to play Hearts, so for a long time that was our go-to game when we were with them.

My grandpa also loved Cribbage, so we were taught that too. And Cribbage is definitely our family go-to game now. Any time we’re together you will see a game of Cribbage going on at some point. It’s like there’s a magnet on the Cribbage board that draws us to it. When we go camping or canoeing, the cribbage board is there and there’s a game going on. A few years ago when we went camping with my family, my cousin, brother, Adam and I all sat around the picnic table, cups of coffee in hand, playing cribbage in the early morning. Camping, coffee and cribbage is our kind of family outing.

My cousin taught my family how to play the card game Golf. I know there are many different version of Golf, but he taught us his version and that’s what we’ve stuck with (Eight cards dealt; four on top row, four on bottom row. Flip any two. Pick a card from the draw pile. Choice: Keep it or discard? If you keep it, you trade the picked card for one of yours. If you discard, you flip one of your cards. Kings are Zero points, Two’s are -2 points, Jokers are -5 points, Ace – 9 are their number points, Ten – Queen are 10 points. If you get two cards that match – one on top and one on bottom – they cancel each other out and it’s Zero points. Negative point cards don’t cancel each other if they happen to be in the same column. First to flip all their cards the game is over with each other person getting one more turn. All cards are then flipped and points are counted).

As we grew up our games took on more of sophisticated feel with Spades (Which I was never very good at and don’t play any more), the dominoes game called 42 (Again, not great at, so I don’t play this much).

My mother taught me how to play Soliatire and we’d play Double Solitaire all the time growing up. Then Double Soliatire grew into O Heaven (Or O Hell in some circles, but we like to keep it clean) with a group of six or eight of us around the dining room table all trying to beat each other out.

Then there was the advent of my siblings and cousins playing strategy games like Carcassone and Catan or, more recently, deck-building games like Dominion. We also love Compatability, which is neither a strategy or deck-building game, but it’s hilarious and I remember staying up til past midnight one Christmas playing it with my cousins.

Then there’s the game of Life. The ultimate classic family board game with choices of whether to go to college or start a career, the mandatory rules of getting married and buying a house, collecting Life tiles through out the game that tells of all your achievements, choices of whether to buy stocks or insurance, driving along the road of life in your colored car with your little pink and blue peg family in the back, getting paid on PAYDAY, retiring to Countryside Acres or Millionaire Estates. The game of Life was never really my favorite, but it’s family friendly and so we play it.

It’s funny how we liken life, our daily existence, to a game or use game analogies to describe life. For example, I woke up this past week, literally rolled out of bed, feet hit the floor, and my first thought was, ‘I feel ahead of the game’…as in, I have a lot to do, but I’m motivated and ‘I got this’. Or how often I use the term, ‘I just can’t win‘ for a situation in life where I feel like I’m running a rat race. If I’m playing a game with Adam, just the two of us, sometimes I use the same words ‘I just can’t win’ if he’s beating me and I feel like I can’t get the break I need to compete. Because as my brother often says when we’re learning a new game that ‘the point of the game is to win.’

Or times when you feel like you’re going somewhere in life, but then get knocked back ‘Home’ by a certain circumstance or by someone on the road of life with you, as in Parchisi or Trouble or Mennonite Marbles?

Games can be fun and games can be painful. My parents have friends who never play Monopoloy because they got into a huge fight when playing one time and basically banned it from their house. Games can bring out and best and the worst in you. I know I’ve had my fair share of being a ‘sore loser’ and have had to learned how to lose, and win, gracefully.

There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from games. And a lot of life can be like games. Let’s learn how to win, and lose, gracefully, whatever games, and life brings our way.

Physical Therapy for the Soul, Part II

In my last post I wrote about the questions I had while I was taking a walk and looking at the similarities and differences between phsyical, emotional and spiritual therapy.

The emotional equivalent would be counseling or ‘talk therapy’. I’ve been to see a counselor before. In this day and age it seems like everyone is going to see some sort of ‘counselor’.

Counseling is similar to physical therapy (PT) in the fact that you start out with once a week apppointments at a set time, one-on-one with a trained counselor. The appointments are usually 45 minutes to an hour long, which is, again, very similiar to PT.

The difference I’ve noticed, at least in my experience, is that the therapist sits and listens to you as you talk about your life, your past and present emotional hurts and pain, they listen to your story and ask pertinent questions to help you have ‘Ah Ha’ moments regarding your life and move you toward self-realization. They give you ideas and strategies to put what you discussed into action. It’s a listening conversation, with one party doing most of the talking, while the other listens, asks questions and gives advice.

One of the differences from counseling vs PT I found was that the therapist would often let me talk about what the issue was and then ask me questions like, ‘Well, what do you think…’, or ‘How could you…’, ‘What would be the best way to…’, in short, have me figure the answer out myself (Which was kind of annoying. I mean, this is why I am coming to you; you tell me what to do. Why should I pay you X amount an hour for you to have me ‘figure it out myself’?)

Whereas in PT, the therapist noticed what the issue was and gave me very practical, logical steps and exercises to put into place. He truly guided me and told me exactly what to do and how to do it.

With counseling my frustration became, ‘I want advice. I want tangible steps to put into practice, so I can move on with my life and not be in this emotional place anymore. I want to move on. You tell me what I need to do.‘

And maybe in counsling therapists are specifically taught to counsel that way so they aren’t accused of manipulating someone’s life perspective or overstepping boundaries. They want to guide you gently with questions (And possibly emotional exercises) so you can feel safe, feel like you are heard and that you can trust them to not hurt you in the process of walking through emotional trauma.

Physical therapy consists of more specific exercises, counseling — emotional therapy — is not as specific or as tangible and often it seems that emotional exercises are much harder than physical ones.

Physical Therapy for the Soul, Part I

Note: When I set out to write this post I was planning on writing just one, but I am turning it into a three part series, so stay tuned for more.

The other day I was out for my daily walk. Often, when I am taking a walk I process what is going on in my life. Walking is therapeutic for my heart and soul, not to mention it’s good exercise and I’ve also found it does wonders for my mental health.

While I was walking the other day I was thinking about the round of physical therapy (PT) appointments I went through last fall and how much it helped my body recover from working at the warehouse (Learn more at this post here). Last fall I had had enough of the chronic rib inflammation and went to see my primary who referred me to a physical therapist. My PT appointments gave me the tools I needed to reduce the pain my body was in. The question I asked myself as I walked was, ‘What is the spiritual equivalent of physical therapy? What is the emotional equivalent of physical therapy? What is PT and what did I actually do at my appointments?’

I broke it down for myself and answered my own questions as I walked and below is the overview of PT what I did when I went to my appointments.

1. I went to see a physical therapist for a specific complaint and pain I had (ie, pain in my ribs for over a year that was affected my sleep, not to mention daytime activities. The pain was due to incorrect use of my back and abs while working at the warehouse. I also deal with migraines once or twice a month due to posture issues)

2. To fix the issues, I went to my PT appointment at a scheduled time once a week for a specified number of weeks (In my case six weeks in a row).

3. I worked one-on-one with a PT who gave me a series of short exercises to strengthen and stretch specific parts of my body (For me it was posture muscles and abs).

4. After working with the PT for an hour or so, he gave me the same exercises to do at home.

5. I would repeat these exercises once a day at home to help heal my back, ribs, abs and posture.

6. The goal phsyical therapy was to ultimately not be in pain by strengthening certain muscles in my body that need to be strengthened.

7. After the six weeks, my therapist told me to continue to do the at-home exercises once a day. He told me that if I neded to come back later, I didn’t have to have a prescription, they could do another evaluation and continue treatment as needed (ie, harder exercises, different exercises, etc.)

Once I clarified what physical therapy was and how it helped (set appointments, one-on-one training, specific exercises), what was the next question I had? It was: What is the spiritual and emotional equivalent of physical therapy?

And that, my friends, is the topic of the next post in this series.

Discovering

This month, this month of January, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we make time for things that matter to us. For example, my mom takes a nap every day and she specifically makes time in her daily schedule to take at least one nap (Sometimes it’s two or three). Taking a nap every day matters to my mom. We are all going to take time to do things that are important to us.

Over the past few years that I have been writing a blog I have talked a lot about things that matter to us and finding purpose in life. It is a common theme that I’ve noticed in my writing. Just because I often write about purpose and things that matter doesn’t mean that everything I do is purposeful or I only do things that matter to me, because, let’s be honest, I don’t.

I’ve been reading the book The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi and she talks a lot (A lot) about finding what matters to you, so you can, in her words, ‘Be a genius about the things that matter, and lazy about the things that don’t.’ She gives practical advice in the book, mostly about homemaking and running a household (Cleaning, laundry, cooking, taking care of kids, etc). The book is geared towards women, especially moms, and while I am not a mom — yet — I can definitely still glean from what she is saying especially when it comes to finding daily routines and organization (Which is funny, because I already am an organized, tidy and routine person. I can always learning something new though).

The thing that I am really pondering from this book though is that I don’t know how…how to figure out what matters to me. I mean, isn’t that what this book about? Discovering what matters to you personally and then being a genius about doing it and lazy about everything else? I feel Adachi gives practical advice and how-to do things, but almost leaves out the ‘discovering’ part. And the discovering bit is what I need.

The discovering is what is going to take some time and me paying attention as I go about my days. I’m left wondering, ‘What does really matter to me??’. I go through life, doing things, but…do the things I do actually really matter to me or am I just filling space and filling time and just doing what I do because someone else told me to do it or because it’s just ‘what I do’??

These are legitimate questions I am having. What actually matters to me?

As I thought about this question today, a few things jumped out at me. I learned that having a tidy, organized and semi-clean house matters to me. I can’t function in an untidy and cluttered, disorganzied space. I literally can’t work and can’t think. Why does having a tidy space matter? For one, I like working and I like thinking and I like to function…. *smiley face*

Second, if a space isn’t organized and I have to dig through piles of stuff to find what I’m looking for it drives me crazy because I don’t like looking for things and I get mad when I can’t find something I need. And I don’t like walking around being mad all the time, or being upset and frustrated. Finding what I need when I need it should be easy and simple (Hence, ‘A place for everything and everything in its place’). Since having a tidy house matters to me, I do spend a good chunk of time tidying up…but I like to and it’s just a part of my lifestyle. I don’t have to think too hard about it, I just do it.

Another thing that matters to me is health. I make sure I exercise regularly, eat half-way healthy, don’t get too much screen time, spend time outdoors, take walks, etc. I’ve noticed that if I don’t exercise regularly or eat too much ‘junk’ food I feel yuck inside and I don’t like that feeling. Since I don’t like feeling yuck, I purposely try to avoid that by living an active lifestyle.

I’m slowly answering my own questions of how and what does actually matter to me. This is a lifelong process. As I continue to ponder this questions, I’m sure there will be more discoveries.

What matters to you? Like, really, truly matters — not just what someone told you you should care about.

New Project

I’ve started a new project. (I can see my husband rolling his eyes at this statement. Hardly a week goes by when I don’t ‘start a new project’).

This project, though, is a for-real-I-have-a-goal-and-a-purpose project. It’s book project to be specific.

You’ve all heard me moan and groan for the last four years that I want to write a book. ‘Ok, so just do it, Hannah’, you may be thinking. ‘Just stop talking about it and just write the darn thing.’

Ok, ok, ok. Hear me out. I, for one, don’t know the first thing about writing a book. Silly, yes, but true. This specific book project that I have in mind is not a novel. So it’s not like I can just sit down and write a story with characters and a plot and then edit out all the bits I don’t like or don’t go anywhere. This isn’t exactly a story. (And all of you who are in the publishing field are like, ‘Yeah, you’re right. She doesn’t know anything about writing a book’).

So…this is the way I’m working on this project and the thought behind it. For four years I’ve been writing a blog that has focused on many different topics. Some of the topics relate to eachother, some of them are out in left field. Some of the posts are on specific topics I feel I need to write about, some of the posts are just me processing life. My goal is to take my posts and find the themes, the subjects and topics that relate to one another. I’m doing this by copying each post into a word document; one document for each post. Then, once everything is copied (By my calculations, if I copy five a day it will take me a month and a half), I will then print them off and read through them, finding the themes, taking notes and expounding on and refining my half-baked thoughts, which I will then try to put into some sort of book form.

This is the project. I repeat, all of you who are in the publishing field are probably like, ‘Yeah, you’re right. She doesn’t know anything about writing a book’. However, this is the only way I know how to gather my thoughts on various topics that have been scattered throughout the past few years, so this is how I am going about that. And it’s worthwhile. It truly is a project I enjoy. I really like writing and going back and copying my posts seems purposeful to me. The whole project seems purposeful.

I started the project this week and it’s been interesting because, while I’m not sitting and reading every post as I copy, I am quickly glancing over them and the biggest thing I have noticed from my posts is growth. I have grown a lot as a writer the past few years. From my early days of daily short blogs during the COVID shut down, which I mostly posted in raw form without editing, to longer, more detailed thoughts and stories more recently, I’ve grown. And that means so much to me. I’ve grown as a writer, as a word artist, I’ve become more real, I believe, in what I share, more comfortable writing for others and to others.

I don’t know how this new project will end up. My book project may, or may not, get published at some point. Whether it does or doesn’t I know that doing it is something I enjoy, that gives me purpose and pleasure and therefore it is worth it.

And so my friends, is there a new project you want to start, something that’s been inside of you that is persistently knocking to get out into the open? I challenge you to start the project. Begin with small steps, yes, but also, begin with the end in mind. What is the purpose? What is the goal? Will you grow through this process? Does it seem hard or painful? Where are the fears? (Believe me, I have some with this book project). I encourage you to just start.

P.S. If you are reading this and you really ARE in the publishing field, please let me know if there is a better, more efficient way to gather my thoughts and turn them into book form! Like, seriously, I’m open to suggestions.

Being Stuck

Last week I was writing about how I felt suspended and stuck in mid-air in regards to work and working from home.

Last week I talked about continuing to find a new creative routine for work; a routine that fits with who I am and my lifestyle.

Sometimes I seem so sure and confident when I write my blogs and things seems straight-forward and simple, ‘Oh, yes, a routine. Easy enough to do and find. No brainer’. But the reality is very different because this week I don’t necessarily feel suspended, caught in mid-air between choices or what is priority in my work schedule, but I do still feel stuck in some regard.

This week though, instead of a straight forward answer like, ‘Create a routine’, I am finding that I need to be a little more gentle with myself. Creating a routine can be helpful, but it also takes time to do so. And creating a routine is not necessarily a simple, one-size, easy, 1-2-3-presto-chango fix. It’s just not.

Yes, I still need to work on finding a creative, work from home routine. Kendra Adachi says in her book The Lazy Genuis Way, ’A routine is a repeatable act of preparation, not the destination’. A routine is preparing me for something and for me that specific something is my daily work. What routine — or repeatable act — do I need to do to help me start my work day?

And while I’m working on finding that simple, repeatable act, I am also just trying to love myself in the stuck place that I find myself in. Because this is where I am. Maybe this week I am not necessarily stuck in mid-air, I am just simply stuck.

And is being stuck in life ok? I feel like we, as humans, don’t like to be stuck. That ‘stuck’ is somehow a bad place to be and we want to get out of it as soon as possible. I mean, if I was stuck in quicksand, yes, calling for help and getting out as soon as possible would be the right response, but stuck in life? Stuck in a dead-end job. Stuck with a bad boyfriend. We never want to be stuck because stuck is not a good place to find yourself.

But maybe being ‘stuck’ is the best place to find truly find yourself. If you’re not really going anywhere, well, then, make friends with yourself and where you’re at. Which is where I’m at this week.

I’m not saying that you should stay in a bad situation (ie, terrible boyfriend), but maybe like me, you’re realizing that being stuck is ok and that life ebbs and flows and moves and changes and time goes forward and carries us all with it and that eventually you will be unstuck from wherever you are now.

Maybe my creative routine, my repeatable acts, won’t help me necessarily get unstuck immediately, but I will be moving with time and will eventually find myself in a different place.

Suspension

Sometimes I feel like I am in a place of…suspension. Like, suspending in mid-air (Not ‘suspense’ as in a mystery novel).

Suspension, especially when it comes to work. The days when nothing is urgent, or is pressing or crucial. The days when I could do this or could do that, but if I didn’t do this or that it doesn’t really matter.

For example:

I could write a blog post or…I could not. It’s not urgent. No one is forcing me to.

I could make soap or…I could not. It’s not urgent. I could do it next week.

I could work on some journals or…I could not. Again, it’s not urgent or pressing and no one is making me work on my journal projects.

I could finish touching up the trim in the bathroom that I painted yesterday or…I could not. It needs to be done, but it doesn’t need to be done now.

I could read a book, I could go back to bed and take a nap, I could take a walk, I could do any number of things…but I don’t have to do any of it. At least not at this particular moment. There’s nothing I absolutely have to do right now or else.

And so I get stuck. No one is home with me. I feel isolated. And maybe it’s what I’ve chosen in this season of life; to work from home on my soap and journal business and work a ten hour week at my brother’s art glass studio. It’s all good, but there are days, like today, where I get stuck and motivation to do anything is very, very low.

It’s days like this that I miss working at the warehouse or at my volunteer job I left two years ago. The routine, the focus and that fact that other people are around working too. The fact that I’m not alone and things are getting done. There is movement, connection, companionship and things are going forward. They’re not stuck.

Now, I am a worker and I like working. I do, I really, really, do. And that’s why days where I feel suspended, where I feel stuck in my choices, when it’s hard to decided what to do because nothing is urgent or pressing is so, so difficult for me. When I could do this or could do that, but don’t absolutely have to then I get cranky and unfocused and bored and wander around the house aimlessly. I’m slow to get started on anything.

The one thing I really did have to do today was get groceries because we needed food and so I went out at 8:45a this morning in -2 degree weather (Yes, that’s minus two) to brave the cold for groceries. The things we do to survive.

Groceries done, I then made a batch of soap. So, on the outside, it looks like I am productive, but I was moving through the motions of soapmaking like I was in a dream. But I did do it.

Maybe I downplay the things that I do. Maybe the things I do don’t feel so much like work and so then I don’t really feel like I’m working. Which begs the question: Does work always have to be hard? When I was working at the warehouse it was such a physical job that I would practically get to 10,000 steps before lunch. I knew I was doing something. I was moving, I was working.

Going back to the idea that I perhaps downplay the things that I do for my job. Like soapmaking. I am a soap maker. For better or worse, that’s what it is. I make soap. And I make soap and I sell soap, which means I make soap ‘for a living’. I am a professional soap maker. Or bookbinding. I make journals. I make journals and I sell them. That means on some level I am a professional bookmaker. I make journals for a living.

But perhaps I don’t take these things seriously enough or think that they don’t really matter, when in reality, if it is important enough to me to build a business doing these things, well, then it matters. Both to me and to others.

Work itself may not always have to be hard, but being your own boss is. When I was working last week at the Studio (My brother’s biz) I was filling out tax forms with my mom, who is training me, and it was intense. ‘The American Dream is really just filling out a bunch of paperwork’, I commented. And maybe that’s not the whole of it, but it’s definitely a part. The hard part about being your own boss is that you get to choose what to do and you get to make your own routine and schedule and you also get to make all the decisions, which is great, until it all becomes overwhelming and then you get stuck and bogged down and don’t know what to do. Being your own boss is hard.

So, all this to say what exactly? Reading back over this blog it appears that I need to create a routine. I am a big routine person; I think you all know that by now. I wrote this blog post back in August, three days before my sister-in-law had her transplant. I was getting into a creative routine and then the transplant happened and all that went out the window. Then I watched my nephew for three months, the holidays happened and now it’s two weeks into the new year and I desperately need to find a new creative routine for myself. The last four months or so have been different and now it’s time again, to land somewhere. To gently let myself down from being suspended and get my hands dirty with some work — whether that is soapmaking, bookbinding, administrative tasks, cleaning or things that need to be done around the house, it’s time to land on a new creative routine.

If you feel stuck or unmotivated or feel suspended, I understand, my friend, I really, really understand. I don’t know if finding a new routine for this new year will help you, but I am going to try it (And I am also going to pray that the Lord will guide me into a routine that is best for me, and not just me trying to strong-arm myself into some routine that doesn’t fit. That’s no bueno. God is good and He guides us into good things in life).

Therapy Session

I sit here at my dining room table feeling…feeling what?

I have a big mug of tumeric ginger tea by my laptop, full and very hot. It’s still steeping. The tumeric ginger tea isn’t a fancy brand, it’s the cheap-o kind I got at the supermarket, but it’s decaf which is the important part. Decaf and hot.

The last few days have been grey and gloomy outside. Rainy, cloudy and I have had zero motivation to do anything. But, I push through my resistance and do things, even busy work, which a lot of it is.

Goals for 2024? I don’t have many. My husband and I are going to Spain at the beginning of April. It’s a walking tour of Camino de Santiago, so my ‘first quarter goals’, if you will, are walking every day, trying to train for our six days of walking 75 miles. I am very excited about our Spanish vacation (I’ll make it sound fancy) and am looking forward to it very much. I love walking, it’s therapeutic for me. Adam and I walk a lot for recreation, so this kind of trip is right up our alley.

My other goal is to write more, which ‘more’ is so broad and undescriptive and can mean pretty much anything that ‘write more’ really isn’t much of a goal. ‘Write daily for 20 minutes’ is a goal and so is ‘Write a blog post every day’, but ‘Write more’ isn’t. That being said, my loose goal really is to write every day, an undisclosed amount of time, long or short, it doesn’t matter, as long as pen hits the paper and moves or the keys touch the keyboard and type it is ‘writing more’. It can be journaling, creative writing or a blog post, it’s writing and that’s what matters.

Last week I walked every day and it felt awesome. It did wonders for my mental health and I am not even joking. January and February can be the longest, coldest, most dreary months of the year and I often struggle through them. Walking every day last week, for 45 minutes to an hour, helped me so much — the fresh air, the getting out of the house, moving. Even though the sun wasn’t shining, I felt more alive and able to take on the dark hours once the sun went down without getting too depressed.

Then this week hit and the weather stayed grey and cold and cloudy. Yesterday was the third anniversay of my dad’s passing, which maybe made me feel a little anxious and definitely sad and kind of unfocused. I didn’t do anything special to remember him, but when I went to our church’s prayer meeting yesterday evening it sort of hit me, the emotions, the reality. I wanted to cry during the worship service and leave. Cry and leave. But I knew that actually going to church and being with other fellow believers was what my dad would have wanted me to do. In a way, worshipping the Lord was the best way I could have honored my dad because I knew that’s what he would have wanted me to do. I’ve often had that thought over the past three years. Dad passed away on a Friday evening and Sunday morning, yes, heartbroken and sobbing through the worship, we went to church. And I knew that’s what he would have wanted.

Maybe January and February are difficult because I miss my dad so much around this time of year. And it’s a lot…the holidays come, I miss him in the celebrations, the new year, then the anniversary of his passing and then Valentine’s Day, his favorite. And missing him often hits without my noticing or realizing it and it’s only later – a day or two – I realize why I’ve been down.

This blog post and my previous one have not been super peppy. They’ve been real and honest and maybe a little discouraging. Part of me wants to apologize to all you who are reading this, but then, I’m not going to. This is where I am at. I am processing through a lot of hurt and grief right now in my life and writing it all out is therapeutic for me. Just think, you get privy information to one of my writing therapy sessions. 🙂

Intentional. Intentional. You have to be intentional in life. And being intentional is super, super hard. There are seasons in life. There are times to hibernate, when things are dormant and resting and waiting. Which is where I am at now. Winter. It is winter. How can I be intentional in my resting and my waiting?

And even in the dormant seasons you can still be intentional to create art and poetry and writing. You can still be intentional in your creativity and work out all your grief and heartache through paint on paper or canvas or whatever your favorite medium is. Which is what I think I’m going to do right now. Get out my paints and paper and do some ‘messy art’. That’s therapeutic too.

This year I want to leave the boxes unchecked. I live my life as a series of boxes to check and I want to break free from that way of thinking and being. Yes, there will be things that I need to ‘get done’, but I want to have more freedom from doing and pressure and control.

Live

Life

Series

Boxes

Check

But

Today

Leaving

Them

Unchecked

‘I want to play, ‘ I say, as I go my way.

The boxes stare at me with blank, empty faces.

I ignore their emptiness and continue to play.

‘Not today’, I say.

‘Not today’.

We bought a daily joke calendar for this year, so I’ll end this very random post with a joke I found so funny I laughed so hard I cried. Laughter is also therapeutic.

‘You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, bouyant.’

Still Good

A minute or two after midnight last night, as Adam and I were awakened by the sounds of fireworks and guns going off, I told Adam, ‘I feel nostalgic for 2023 already’.

Because it was true. In the moment, it was a true statement. I wasn’t ready to move from one year to the next, from 2023 to 2024. And I suppose, in this moment of writing, I am still not ready to move on to a new year.

I realize that years are just numbers, that time is arbitrary and a calendar is a man-made invention. The seasons mark the passage of time, from one year to the next, the natural world marks the ‘real’ time, our calendar, like time, is simply arbitrary. There is no difference in this day versus yesterday. But the Western calendar has flipped from one year to the next and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

Typically for me a new year brings a fresh perspective, a new hope, where anything is possible and life seems fresh and exciting. A whole new year, none of the days marked by worry, or stress or anxiety. I love the sense of newness and hope a new year brings and there is possibility and dreams and excitement of what’s to come.

This year, I feel very little of that. I feel sad and sensitive inside and it’s hard to stop the tears that spring to my eyes unbidden throughout the day.

I don’t want to feel sad. I told my husband that over the breakfast table this morning. I don’t want to feel sad. But I can’t deny that right now, I am.

I’m not ready to move on from 2023 and I think there’s several reasons for that. One reason is because a lot happened that was difficult. I lost my uncle last January and an aunt in August. Two of my mom’s siblings, gone. My sister-in-law was in the hospital and very sick around this time last year.

I spent most of 2023 in the shadow of my sister-in-law’s lung transplant — the announcement that she was getting one, her asking me to be one of her caretakers, her getting on the list and the waiting, waiting, waiting until one night ‘the lungs’ arrived and then it was stress during the surgery and a lot of stress post-transplant as she recovered and I watched my nephew. Honest-to-goodness I don’t think I’ve processed through it all. That could be one reason it’s hard for me to move on.

Another reason is that we became approved to adopt a child last January and the whole year we have been waiting, waiting, waiting to be chosen by a birth mom to adopt her child. I spent most of 2023 waiting to adopt a baby and it didn’t happen.

It. Didn’t. Happen.

So we go into the new year — 2023 — ready, waiting, faith-filled, hoping to grow our family and it didn’t happen.

‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes it is a tree of life’. This proverb floated through my head a couple of days ago as I was trying to fall asleep and gutted me; I started silently sobbing because my heart is so tender in this area. This is truly a ‘hope deferred’ situation that is starting to seem like a complete nightmare.

I know that we will adopt, that our family will grow, but we’ve been married for over seven years – not quite eight – and our family hasn’t grown yet and hope deferred truly does make the heart sick. I feel the weight of the heart-sickness that comes with wanting to be a mom and not seeing that desire come to fruition (Yet. I have to keep saying ‘yet’).

My faith is weak in this area right now, oh so very, very weak.

I think one of the things that has helped me through this time of waiting to adopt is seeing other people, friends of mine, people in our church community, who also have desires that are a long time in coming. My single friends who want to be married, my married friends who want to have children, other friends who are trying to find the career that fits them, or friends who have children with special needs and are trying to figure out how best to help them and parent them. There is a lot of heart-ache in the world. There are a lot of questions. Seeing my peers wrestle through the hard, heart questions and waiting for their own breakthroughs has eased my personal pain. I am not alone.

Life is hard. Being childless has made me appreciate my husband more and I don’t take him for granted. He is my family. We’re in this together.

We also have our little guinea pig family and our two cute girl-piggies can be a balm to my soul. There are many days when I wind up sitting in from of their habitat, just watching them.

So, now it is, apparently the year 2024, whatever that really means. It means that Adam and I are still waiting to adopt, our piggies are still cute, Adam is still working as a travel agent and I still own my own business.

I am thankful. Even through the wondering, the questions, the heartache and pain, I am thankful. A new year means that God is still good, because He never changes, He is the Faithful One who sees the beginning from the end and He will always and forever, year end and year out, be good. I am thankful that God is still good and that He is still for me.

I don’t know what this year will bring for me, for Adam or for you. It’s hard for me to see beyond this moment, as I sit here typing and look at Peanut the guinea pig sleeping — her sweet little face nestled on her paws. But I do know that God is still good and whatever comes our way, your way, this year, it will be good.