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P. S.

I felt like my last post was kind of another mash-up of random thoughts that I’m just stringing together about healing and God and temporary stuff, in the context of It’s Worth It. I feel like I’m trying to find the words that express how I feel inside which comes out in a conglomeration of weird word-stuff and randomness.

I’m working on it. Like, I’m putting the work into writing and even though it comes out weird and maybe may not make a lot of sense, I am trying to find it. I’m putting the work in. And I have to write. I have to write and what comes out is what comes out. Maybe I shouldn’t make apologies for my writing, and maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just saying.

Writing takes work. Which is something I’m learning. If I want to eventually write a book, then I have to write. I have to ‘find’ those words inside of me, which means that I have to write a lot of crap just to get the good stuff. Some days are easier than others to write, some days it’s hard. But I have to write.

Writing is work.

I’ve written a lot in this blog the past three years. Some themes come to mind; things I often seem to write about.

1. Seasons of Life

2. Art and Creativity (Bookbinding, mixed media)

3. Writing (Doesn’t that go with Art and Creativity?)

4. Life (Broad, but yes, things about me, who I am and/or what is happening in my life/current life events)

5. Memories

6. Processing Grief

7. Healing/Resoration

8. Purpose in Life

9. Work Situations and Creative Business

I’m sure some of these categories overlap. Nothing in life is linear.

Maybe in writing this I’m tring to find out what I tend to write about and Name It. Which will give me a clue or leading as to what I should write about in a book.

Note: I journal all the time. Maybe you’ve caught that from my writing. Even if I never write a book that is published, I often feel like I’m writing a book when I write in my journal. Not like I write in my journal for people to read (I don’t); for me journaling is more for posterity and things I want to remember and also processing emotions and events. I write because I have to. But still, that being said, I’d like to write a book and so I write a lot of odds ‘n ends, trying to find the words. Putting the work in.

What do you tend to write about? What themes come up in your writing? Name them. List them. What threads do you see? How do they overlap?

Healing

Earlier this year our church was talking about healing. It had been a topic during the sermon on Sunday morning, and we later discussed in our small groups throughout the week.

This was back in January, when my sister-in-law had been in the hospital for a week, between Christmas and New Years. She’s in her 30’s, but has a lot of health issues and at the beginning of the year there was a decline in her health. She is doing ok now, stable, at home, but looking into different options to help her overcome her health issues (Which currently looks like watching salt and fluid intake and may eventually result in major surgery).

I was scared, like really scared for my sister-in-law and I was praying for her a lot. This was also around the time that my uncle had just passed away, so for our family it seemed like everything was hitting at once. My sister-in-law’s health and hospital stay, my brother trying to keep the home fires burning while she was gone and everything going down with my uncle.

So with all this going on my church talks about healing. As a believer in Jesus I totally believe that Jesus can heal people, not only physical diseases and ailments, but also mental and spiritual bondages as well. Healing is a broad word that can encompasses many different situations.

Healing, specifically physical healing is something that I’ve wrestled with on and off again for many years. In this post I talk about it and maybe this is just a continuation. As I said earlier, as a Christian I totally believe that Jesus heals. This is so obvious in the life of Jesus, in the Gospels we see Jesus going around, doing good and healing people.

Everyone Jesus touched was healed.

Every Biblical recorded instance of a healing, that person was healed. Like, not half-healed, but wholly made whole. Wholly healed.

There isn’t a recorded instance where Jesus didn’t heal. Point is, Jesus healed then and does heal today.

Now, maybe, just maybe, there were some people in the masses of crowds that followed Jesus who didn’t get healed. Maybe there were lame and they stayed lame. Maybe there were blind and stayed blind.

I don’t know.

I wasn’t there.

But I DO know that the Bible records specific healings and also general healings (For general healings see Matt 8:16, 12:15, 14:14, 15:29 – 31, 19:2, 21:14, Mark 3:10, 6:56, Luke 4:40, 5:17, 6:19, 9:1, 11).

And if the Bible says Jesus healed and heals, well then, I believe it.

When my church was talking about this the pastor, in his sermon that Sunday, was talking about Lazarus whom Jesus rose from the dead. And, he said, Lazarus died again. Meaning, it’s was just temporary. Yes, Lazarus died once from sickness, Jesus miraculously raised him from the dead, then eventually, in the process of time, Lazarus got old and died again.

So what was the point?

So what is the point of not only Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, but what is the point of Jesus healing people if we’re all just going to die at some point anyway?

If it’s all just temporary, what the point?

To be honest, I can’t remember how the pastor resolved the tension between healing and temporariness in his sermon. He did, I just can’t remember how he tied it together.

But I do remember though, that throughout that week I was really wrestling with physical healing again…I know and believe that God heals — I’ve seen healings before, I’ve heard the testimonies before — and yet the fact that a healing was temporary really got to me. But really, what was the point?

Saying some of this to Adam helped because is his quiet, wise way he responded with, ‘There is a lot in life that is just temporary’.

And I took a pause, because of course, he is right. Much of life is temporary. Much of life here on earth is just temporary. The food we eat, the money we make, the money we spend, the stuff we buy…it all grows old and wears out and is eventually discarded. There’s a lot in life that is temporary. Much of life is temporary.

I’ve also been wrestling with the temporariness of life lately, which I talked about some in this post.

Life is real, life is temporary. Things we buy are real, they’re concrete matter made up of atoms, that we an see and touch and hold and maybe smell or even eat…but they are temporary matter that sometimes becomes something else (ie; food). Food, give us nourishment for the present day; food — this concrete matter made up of atoms — has vitamins and minerals that give our body energy for now…and yet it is all so temporary.

But just because life is temporary, this moment here that we’re experiencing and tomorrow’s moments, doesn’t mean that life isn’t worth it or that things don’t matter.

Just because we all die eventually doesn’t mean that the miracle of a physical healing and the praise and wonder and glory to God receives from it isn’t worth it or that it doesn’t mean anything.

To continue the conversation I had with Adam that week back in January, his take is that this is what life is about — the Kingdom of God renewing everything.

Healings are a part of God’s Kingdom that renews; heaven coming down to earth and restoring the right, pre-sin order of God’s created world, of which you and I are a part of.

But just because life is temporary, this moment here that we’re experiencing and tomorrow’s moments, doesn’t mean that life isn’t worth it or that things don’t matter. And that includes healings.

Valentine’s Day 2023

I told Adam not to get me anything special to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year.

I meant it. My reasons for saying that was because at this point in our lives we did’t need to spend any extra cash if we could help it and also I still had chocolate from Christmas and honestly, I didn’t want any more chocolate (I know, how crazy is that?).

Since Adam and I were engaged, Adam’s Valentine’s go-to has been either a single red rose and a bar of chocolate and maybe a card. I really felt like this year we didn’t need to buy anything extra to celebrate a minor, somewhat silly, holiday.

So on the morning of February 14th I told Adam not to get me anything and I really meant it. He said ok with a little laugh, gave me a hug and left for work. I’ve told him not to get me anything before and he has still gone a head and given me something, so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

But I obviously expected something because all day, although I didn’t really realize it then, I was anticipating Adam coming home with a gift of some sort. And the anticipation only built throughout the day, almost without my noticing it.

The day, for me, was long. It was a Tuesday, my work-from-home day that I take every week to work on my business and creative pursuits. It was grey, rainy and gloomy outside, which usually makes me feel a little depressed. Not to mention it was ‘that time of the month’ so my energy was a little lacking.

I had a big goal that day and that was to have a journal sale, selling off some of my ‘practice journals’ that I had made the last few years. I had in my mind to make a video. A video of me showing my journals, one by one, and the uniqueness of each one. I had had this idea back in December, so it was something I had been thinking about for a couple months. Even though I had never made a video of any sort, I just wanted to dive in and do it.

I set out all my journals that I wanted to sell and numbered them from 1 to 20 and fixed a price on each one. I set up my computer upstairs in our TV room; I had it on a big, huge pillow in front of me and I sat on our futon with the journals laid out in front of me so I could grab them as I made the video.

Since this was my first time making a film it took me a few takes to get into the swing of it. I deleted a bunch of takes. 🙂 But I finally got into it and was able to just be myself showing the world a bunch of journals that I had made.

If you don’t know by now book arts and creative mixed media projects are something that are really close to my heart. I love making journals and doing mixed media and I put a little bit of myself in everything that I make. And my guess is that true with most artists and creatives. Sharing what you make with the world can be a vulnerable thing. No matter how confidently you portray yourself or the finished work.

So Check One video: Made. It was a big deal for me, emotional really, and I had fun making it. I had decided to post my journal sale video on my personal Facebook page, as people know I make and sell journals, so I wanted to give them an exlusive sale on my practice journals. Since it was Valentine’s Day I didn’t post the video as I thought it would get more attention on a non-holiday, so decided to wait until the next day.

My Valentine’s gift last year for Adam was a set of ‘confidence cards’ that I made for him. I had taken an old set of playing cards and revamped them with my mixed media art and written fun sayings on them, sayings to boost his confidence and appreciate him in small ways. My plan was to give one to him every week until this year. However, I didn’t quite make the ‘once a week’ goal I had set out last year, so I still had about half the deck left; my gift this year was to continue.

I set out one of the cards for him that said ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ on his plate at dinner so when he came home he’d see it. I made dinner and prepared for our church small group that was being held at our house that evening.

When Adam came home, I was doing the dishes and fully expected him to walk in with a rose or card or something fun to celebrate the holiday.

Except, he didn’t.

And I was sad.

I didn’t realize how much I had been looking forward the possibility of even maybe getting surprise all day, even though I had told him not to get me anything and meant it.

I was hurt. And it was my own fault.

How to tell him I was hurt? I’m not generally the type of person to blurt things out or get mad and blow up or yell and I didn’t…I kept quiet and internalized it…which is more typical of me. We had our small group Valentine’s party and went to bed.

The next day my big goal, besides going to work, was to post my video. All day at work I was thinking of how I could introduce it, how many journals would I sell, how would people react, etc. I had ended up making four videos — I realize that was a lot, but to get all the info in that’s how it turned out. And three were really short, with things like payment info, the thought behind the sale, etc.

When I got home I posted it and then proceeded to make dinner. I knew it would probably take a little time for anyone to comment, respond, like or want to buy one.

After dinner I checked my post to see if I needed to respond or comment to anyone or to manage sales.

And I see one ‘like’.

That’s it. Nothing more.

I went into a tailspin emotionally. I was crushed. I had built up this huge expectation in my head of how people were going to respond and I got basically nothing?

Really, I was crushed. With Adam safely upstairs at our house doing whatever it is Adam does, I was downstairs in a corner, crying.

Yes, literally. It all seemed too much.

At the risk of sounding like a country song — you know, my dog died, my truck broke and my boyfriend left me — I was crying because Adam hadn’t gotten anything for me for Valentine’s Day, I was still grieving over my dad who loved Valentine’s Day and would always get his kids and grandkids dollar store cards and candy, I missed my friend who had passed away last August, it was ‘that time of the month’, plus I had put myself out there emotionally and was vulnerable with making my videos and I felt completely and utterly ignored by everyone.

And yes, I eventually found Adam upstairs in our family room laying on the floor next to the guinea pig cage watching them. I laid down next to him and after a bit everything that I was feeling came out and just I laid there wept.

I was crushed, I was broken and I let myself just be broken and be in the moment without trying to fix anything. It wasn’t fun. And I felt so silly and so vulnerable and honestly, so stupid. And Adam responded with his kind gentleness that embraced where I was at and let me cry.

The video I felt was a bomb. A complete and utter bomb. What was I thinking? But for real…? Other peole make videos all the time and post things to Facebook and the crowd goes wild. But for me…? I’m just me, being myself, sharing something I love and get completely and utterly ignored.

Now, a week or so later, hind sight is 20/20, and I did eventually sell four journals and got a few more likes and one comment, so all was not lost, but it was still a super emotionally charged experience for me. Will I do it again? I don’t know. I know I wouldn’t overwhelm people with four videos at least. But live and learn. I seem to do a lot of that.

And with Valentine’s Day I learned a lesson. Next year, I’ll celebrate. I’ll get Adam something more and I’ll ask him to get me something special. Because one thing I learned is that life is too short not to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Where You’re Going

Last summer at work we were busy with shipments coming in. It seemed like not a month went buy when we weren’t receiving pallets and pallets of new clothing to sell. Having been at my job for a while and knowing the ropes of how things worked, the SKUs of the products, how our overstock room was organized (Or not, as the case may be), it was mostly my duty to receive the incoming shipments and process them, put them on the shelves, etc. I had help from my co-workers, but most of them were new to the company and still learning the job.

I often worked alone too. In the basement, where our overstock room is located, processing shipments by myself.

Our warehouse has a problem. Well, lots of problems. It had problems last summer and it still has problems. And yes, I’m using the word ‘problem’ because that’s what it is. I’m not softening the situations at work by calling them ‘issues‘. No, they’re Problems with a capital P.

One problem that we have is that our warehouse is too small. We have lots and lots of products coming in and literally no where to put them. We have no shelf space. We don’t know where they are going to go in the warehouse once we receive them. Even by boxing up older products that we’re discontinuing and putting them in the basement overstock room, we still don’t know where we’re going to put the new items. We received so many new products last summer and we are still receiving new products even now. New patterns in existing styles and new styles in existing patterns.

So this was an issue (Ok, so it’s both. Problem AND an issue) last year and it still is. We’d get a shipment of new styles and they would remain in boxes on pallets for a couple of months before we’d figure out what old pattern to box up and then put the new merch on the shelf.

It drove me nuts. People, this drove me nuts. Product, that we’re actually selling on the website, in boxes that we had to dig through in order to find the correct item to ship to the customer. The boxes weren’t labeled. So moving box after box in order to find the right product amounted to…work…lots of hard work. I’ve since wised up and started labeling boxes, but honestly, it doesn’t help much because the boxes fall apart as we’re moving them and then we have to get new boxes and those don’t always get labeled depending on who moves them or gets a new box…yes, it’s a cycle.

Towards the end of the summer the warehouse manager and I looked at what products were in the boxes and where in the world could they go on the shelf? What can we move, shift, clear out in order for this not to be a problem anymore? So we reconfigured some shelf space, moved some products and created the space we needed for all the new products we hadn’t known, until then, where they were going.

But once we figured out where the products were going, it was a breeze. Like literally…all this stuff in boxes had shelf space (We did have to build some more shelving units, fyi, in the limited warehouse space we did have). We knew where the items were going. It took some time, it was work to figure it out, but once we did, it was so easy. Each item, each style, each pattern, had a home, a place to go, a place to live. And the ‘Need Location’ boxes disappeared. They disapppeared, that is, until we got more shipments and currently we have three pallets of I don’t know how many boxes full of products that need shelf space. And we’re expecting more next month.

We don’t know where those products are going yet. More shelves will have to be built, or other products put in boxes in the overstock room. More reconfiguring will have to happen.

And how does this allegory fit into your life? Do you know where you’re going? Do I know where I’m going? Like, in life…do you have an idea, a plan, a dream, a project or something you want to do, an end goal, a lifestyle, a job you want…are you unsatisfied with where you’re at? Or are you satisfied with where you’re at? Do you feel like you’re moving boxes of stuff from one pallet to another that don’t really have anywhere to go? Do you know where you’re going? What do you have to shift, rearrange, organize in order to get to where you want to go? Do you know where you’re going?

I feel that often for me, the answer is no, I don’t know where I’m going. And maybe life is supposed to be like that. We can’t know the future. We don’t know the future. Maybe that is where faith comes into play. Living a life of faith maybe means putting one foot in front of the other even though you don’t know where you’re going.

‘And Abraham went out, not knowing where he was going…’

On the flip side of that, there are things we can do to know where we’re going. This may be the more practical side of things like rearranging a kitchen cabinet. What is the end goal? What do you want to get out of rearranging the kitchen cabinet? More space? Items more accessible? Less clutter? Or even with small business goals. Where do you want to be? Where are you going? Right now I personally am in the middle of switching my domain to a new website provider for my business. The goal is streamlining my website presence and in-person POS system to the same provider. I know where I am going with this. Maybe the journey looks different than I expected to actually get there, but I know what I’m trying to accomplish with this work.

So, things to ponder: Do you know where you’re going? What do you need to do to get there? If you don’t, how can you step out in faith even if you don’t know where you’re going?

Podcast Panic

I’ve said this before and I”ll probbly say it again, but I’m not relly a podcast person. However, and I know I’ve mentioned this podcast before, I do listen on a regular basis to The Next Right Thing podcast with Emily P. Freeman. I guess you could say it’s my go-to podcast, as it’s what I turn to often when I’m commuting to work. If I listen to a podcast it’s going to be that one, or The Thriving Christian Artist with Matt Tommey. Those two and that’s about it.

Yesterday I was on my way to work, listening to The Next Right Thing…or so I thought. I heard the familiar piano music that plays while Emily is giving the introduction and yet, even though I heard the music, I didn’t hear any speaking. There was no voiceover.

Hear me, my friends…I started having a panic attack. Like, literally, my mouth became dry, my stomach started going in knots, my brain frantically trying to figure out what was going on — I hear music, but no words — this isn’t normal. And this was going on while driving…stay calm, stay calm…

At a stop light I quickly tried to figure out what was going on and eventually found that the phone jack wasn’t plugged in. Issue solved, but it left me wondering why I was able to heard the music in the first place, even when it wasn’t plugged in? Who’s to know. But, now, all plugged in, I started the episode over and it played perfectly fine, piano music and speaking and the whole bit. The light turned green and off I go.

Now you may be thinking that it is really silly of me to start having a panic attack over a podcast that didn’t play right in my car. Big deal.

But thinking about it later, my reaction to what happened surprised me. Why in the world would I start panicking over a podcast that didn’t play right?

And to make it even weirder, the episode that I was listening to was from March of 2020, right when the world was shutting down due to COVID-19. The time, not so long ago, when none of us knew what COVID-19 was, or what was going on or anything. Isn’t that how we felt when everything shut down…Life is normal…but so not normal. Or, maybe life was anything but normal for you, but you’re still alive, watching as the world shuts down and what is going on with everything anyway?

And that’s how I felt listening to just the music with no voiceover; this is normal…but not normal.

Still, my reaction surprised me. And that, I feel, is something I need to pay attention to. Yes, a podcast not playing is a minor thing, but why did it produce such an instantaneous panic effect in my body??

As I’ve been listening to the Next Right Thing for the past nine months or so, I feel that Emily would say that I need to slow down and pay attention to what just happened. Again, why did I have that knee-jerk reaction to something so simple?

So, I say that to you. What simple thing in your life is causing, or has caused, a reaction in your body, mind or heart that is surprising to you? Or catches you off guard? Do you need to slow down and pay attention to that reaction? It may not be the circumstance that triggered the reaction, but how you felt because of it. What is that feeling saying to ou? What is your body telling you through that?

I don’t know why I panicked. Maybe I will think on it more, maybe I won’t. Maybe just writing this post is me processing through it. Maybe I won’t have any answers for why I felt the way I did and that’s ok. Maybe you won’t either, but isn’t it worth exploring why anyway?

To My Uncle

My uncle passed away two weeks ago. Monday, January 2nd. I feel like I often write about people passing away. My dad, my friend and now my uncle. As one of my friends said, ‘We’re getting older’. Yes. We’re getting older and we are realizing more and more that we are finite, limited and mortal beings and that life on earth doesn’t last forever.

My uncle was a good man. He was my mom’s older brother, the middle child in a family of seven. He was true to his middle child status and marched to the beat of his own drum. He was somewhat of a loner, quiet, soft-spoken, but active in his church and community. Animals and nature were my uncle’s passion and he owned his own taxidermy studio in a college town about two hours West of St. Louis. He dedicated most of his life to his taxidermy craft and business and I think that’s the way he liked it. He would wake up early, four or five in the morning, get to work in his studio behind his house and work much of the day, retiring about eight in the evening. He was a simple man and seemed content with his lot. He went on his yearly fishing trips and, of course, when hunting season came around he was out there with his bow and arrow going deer hunting. Because of my uncle we grew up on vension as a staple meat in our house and had turkey for Thanksgiving that Uncle David had shot in the wild. You know, real turkey.

My uncle got married in his twenties and him and my aunt didn’t have any children for a long time. They ended up having one son after more than a decade of marriage.

My brother, Elias, is a nature lover just like my uncle was. One of the sweetest gifts I think my brother received for Christmas when he was a kid was an animal skull collection from our Uncle David. My uncle had gotten all these small animal skulls from his hunting and passed them on to my brother. Elias was thrilled. I still remember the look of excitement on his face when he saw them. He was so pleased.

My uncle life wasn’t big. He was humble and content with his small space on his part of the planet. He lived in the same house for over 40 years. In today’s world of more, this pressure to do something and be somebody, my uncle’s life may seem boring or insignificant. To him, it was his life and he was happy.

His advice to me when I started my business was to ‘Get a good tax man’ and ‘Don’t hire anyone unless you absoltely have to’, I have taken as worthwhile and heeded it. He said that being self-employed was the way to go and that he wouldn’t have it any other way.

My uncle also loved to bake. He told me once that if he had his life to live over again that he would have had his own bakery. In fact, baking was one thing he was hoping to do a lot of when he retired.

Unfortunately, he never really got the chance. The last time I saw my uncle in his right mind was at my cousins wedding in 2019. Him and my aunt were on a fishing trip close to where my cousin was getting married and so they were able to attend. A few months later we heard through the family grapevine that something was wrong with Uncle David, but no one knew what exactly. Later, many months or even a year later, the doctor’s finally diagnosed him with early onset dementia. There wasn’t much warning and no one knew exactly why or what brought it on. I saw my uncle for the last time last May. We were driving from Kansas City and stopped in Columbia to see my aunt and uncle.

This weekend, tomorrow, is the memorial service. So it’ll be a long day of driving and family. It’s hard. Hard to say good bye. But I know that my uncle is now fishing in the River of Life, the same river my dad is canoeing down. Maybe they’ll see eachother.

Book List: 2022

It’s the end of the year and time to look over the books that I’ve read this past year. Lists are an important way for me to look back and see what I’ve done, or in this case, what I’ve read.

This year I’ve read:

‘The Gift of Sex’ – Cliff and Joyce Penner (Starting the year out right, yes?! 😉 In all truth I am still in the middle of reading this book. It is very good, but there’s a lot to glean from and put into practice. Christian based and very helpful in many, many ways).

‘An Old-Fashioined Girl’ – Louisa May Alcott (So good. And, yes, I read young adult novels. I’ve had this book since I was a teenager and just this year actually read it. A beautiful story with a sweet romance).

‘The Next Right Thing’ – Emily P. Freeman (If I listen to the podcast with the same name, why not read the book?)

‘For Women Only’ – Shaunti Feldman (I read this many years ago before I was married. Re-reading it again now, after I’ve been married for a few years, gave me a totally different experience and perspective. Helpful in my communication with my husband).

‘Little Women’ – Lousia May Alcott (I read this when I was a girl, but wanted to read it again. I’ve seen the 1994 version of this movie — the one with Christian Bale, Clare Danes and Winona Ryder — so many times I can practically quote it, but the book is so much richer in detail and beauty that it was well worth the read).

‘Jacob I Have Loved’ – Katherine Patterson (I read this Newbery Medal winner when I was a teen or pre-teen. Re-reading it as an adult was hard, simply because of the emotions it brought up in me. Too much teenage angst?).

‘A Million Little Ways’ – Emily P. Freeman (There were a few things that really stuck out to me and one very quotable passage that really helped me through a time of transitioning from my volunteer job this Spring. Timely, although I felt I already knew a lot of what she said because of being in Christian community for a long time. It wasn’t really new information, just reminders).

‘The Tall Stranger’ – D.E. Stevenson (Ah, back to my favorite Scottish author! Always a treat).

‘A Prairie Girl’s Faith’ – Stephen W. Hines (Interesting, although maybe not quite what I anticipated? About Laura Ingalls Wilder and how her faith influenced her life and writing).

‘The Greatest Generation’ – Tom Brokaw (Made me miss my grandparents! Highly fascinating real-life stories of people who were born around WW1, lived thorugh the Depression era and fought in WW2. It really did make me miss my grandparents and I was flooded with memories of them and going to their house and hearing Tom Brokaw on the NBC nightly news…you know, nostalgia).

‘Emily of New Moon’ – L.M. Montgomery (Thoroughly enjoyed this re-read of the first installment of the Emily books. And Emily wants to be a writer!)

‘Emily Climbs’ – L.M. Montgomery (Enjoyed this one too except the flowery prose and melodramatic scenes started to get to me).

‘Emily’s Quest’ – L.M. Montgomery (By this third book I skimmed a lot of it because one, it was a re-read and two, see above; too much flowery language and over-the-top melodramatic scenes. I think Montgomery could have condensed them into two books. Did she get paid by the word?! I say that lovingly because I’ve always enjoyed Montgomery’s writing, but as an adult it seems little, uh, too much).

‘Invicible Louisa’ – Cornelia Meigs (Another book that’s been sitting on my shelf since I was a teenager and just now got around to reading. A biography of Louisa May Alcott. It was interesting to learn of her childhood, her many moves and her friendships with Emerson and Thoreau, not to mention her travels, writing and family relationships).

‘The Puzzler’ – A.J. Jacobs (Intersting and funny, but his writing is very formulaic that each chapter, although highlighting a different puzzle type, was pretty much a repeat of the chapter before).

‘The Open Hearted Way to Open Adoption’ – Lori Holden with Crystal Haas (Required reading for our adoption home study that we went through at the end of this year. I thought their — the authors — relationship was very weird…a little too close?…but it did open my eyes to how open adoptions could work).

‘Keep the Memories, Lose the Stuff’ – Matt Paxton (I read this in bits and pieces at my mom’s house and then finally checked it out of the library on my own. I’ve always been fascinated with organization and stuff and I love organizing things, but also enjoy reading about it too. The book gave useful and practical tips for downsizing and eliminating clutter).

‘Psalms for a Saturated Soul’ – Alan Frow (Alan was a guest speaker at our church this past year and a guy in our home group bought his book and we passed it around. It was basically Alan’s sermon in book form. One major quote I found that helped me — about talking to my soul as David does in the Psalms — but the majority of it wasn’t anything groundbreaking to me).

‘Prayers for Today’ – Kurt Bjorklund (I used this as my devotional book for the year, reading one page a day. This is a fantastic collection of prayers from believers throughout the centuries, organized under a few headlines that repeat throughout the year like ‘Prayers for Wisdom’ and ‘Prayers for Guidance’. At the end of each day there is a segment that reads ‘Prayers for Today…’ and Bjorklund adds his own questions and prayers for you to think on or write or answer how you chose. I liked the guidance form, but then also the free-form at the end of each day).

‘The Ragamuffin Gospel’ – Brennan Manning (Can I be honest? I didn’t care for it. I even skimmed the last half. It seemed to harp a lot on man’s sinfulness and less on God’s grace, although that is definnitely in the book. I don’t know; maybe it just wasn’t what I needed at this time in my life. And like a few of the books above, I feel like I’ve heard it all before).

‘Remarkable Diaries’ – A Doring-Kindersley Book (An oversized detailed book about personal diaries and journals from famous people throughout history. Lots of pictures and information. But now I want to read all the diaries I just learned about! It also made me think about how I journal and what I use my personal journal for and how that could be viewed as a part of history).

There you have it, folks. Book List 2022, complete. I read a lot more male authors this year!

The Christmas Tree Story

It’s Christmas time and I’ve been wanting to write this post for a couple of years now. So now that it is once again Christmas this seems like a good time to write The Christmas Tree Story.

My aunt, for years, like literally 25 years, has been making us — her extended family — handmade ornaments.

She makes a different oranament every year, but they are always handmade and they always have our name and the year on them.

When I lived with my parents the ornaments would go on our tree at home. When I was on the mission field all my stuff was packed away in storage and so the ornaments didn’t get seen or used during those few years.

But when I got back from the mission field and had my own apartment and every thing was out of storage I had all these ornaments that I didn’t exactly know what to do with. I had never had my own tree and my apartment wasn’t big, but I still wanted to celebrate Christmas by doing something decorative, so I decided to go out an buy myself a tiny live tree.

Hence began my tradition, as a single female, of going out every year and buying a small live tree and decorating with all my aunts lovingly handmade ornaments.

I looked forward to this tradition. For me putting up a Christmas tree was not one of commercialism, of doing it because that’s what you do or because everyone else is doing it. To me it became a sweet ritual of taking one evening a year to pick out a special little tree, bringing it home (Stuffing it into the back seat of my car), giving it a fresh cut, placing it in the tree stand, making sure it had enough water, enjoying the fresh aroma of pine needles in my living room, and then decorating it with my aunts ornaments. I would hang each one up, one by one, looking at them, enjoying them. Since each ornament had the year written on it, as I placed them on the tree I would remember God’s faithfulness to me during that specific year.

Putting up a Christmas tree became an act of worship, an act of remembrance God’s faithfulness in my life. A memorial if you will.

‘God, you were faithful to me in the year 2003…1989…1997…2010…2000…1992…thank you for caring for me.’

This went on for a number of years, even after moving into a bigger apartment. And every year my aunt would give us each an ornament, so a new one would be placed on the tree along with the others.

When I met Adam he had never, as a single male, put up a Christmas tree. I think he had a few Christmas light, but not a tree. He definitely had the Festivus pole. His anti-commercialism stance was clearly evident. I was ok with this as I wasn’t a big commercial person myself. The year we were dating he helped me decorate my tree.

Then came our first Christmas as a married couple. I was excited to put up our first tree together, celebrating our first Christmas married. We planned a night to go get a tree and went out on said night, but I felt that from the get-go Adam wasn’t quite on board with this whole tree decorating thing.

It seemed like it was one complaint after the other; where do we get a tree, the trees are too big, they’re too expensive, how are we going to get this in the car, what do we do about a fresh cut, we have to water this thing?, there’s sap on the back seat now, the needles are poking me…and on and on. At least, this is what I heard.

By the time we finally got home with the tree I was kind of done. Telling Adam throughout the evening that, ‘I got this. I’ve done this before. This is where I buy the tree. They give a fresh cut when you buy it. Don’t worry about getting it into the car, I’ve done this before. Yes, we have to water it, but I’ll take care of that’, etc didn’t help much. Apparently I was a tree buying expert and this was his first rodeo with live trees.

We got the tree to our upstairs apartment and started decorating. And again all I heard from Adam was, ‘This tree is poking me. Owww, it’s poking me. Ouch!’ and endless frustration on his end, which pushed me over the edge. This was something that had meant a lot to me, something that was a special tradition and he was ruining it by his constant and seemingly immature complaining.

I finally told him to just go do the dinner dishes, I would finish up the tree. He wasn’t helping anyway. He said he still wanted to help me, but no, I said, I had enough, just please go do the dishes and leave me alone. Which he did, but not before I burst into tears.

So there I was…hurt, tears running down my face, trying to salvage some joy and excitement from the evening, but it was gone and I felt like crap. The tree was up and I was mad at my husband, feeling like something sacred had been defiled.

Obviously, we talked it out later, as married couples do, and I explained to him why putting up a tree meant to me, it’s not just a tree, it’s a memorial. However, the next year I firmly decided NO TREE.

Adam felt bad, but I stuck to my word and didn’t put up a tree. Instead, while he was on a work trip before Christmas, I strung some of the ornaments along a big piece of twine and wrapped that around our bannister. Our apartment still looked festive, I just wasn’t going to deal with Adam’s complaining regarding a tree (Even though he was out of town, the pain was still fresh from the year before. And I didn’t want to hear any complaints about ‘How do we decorate the bannister?’).

The next couple of years we got a real tree, and Adam kept his complaints to himself, now knowing what it putting up a tree meant to me. I realize this may have been helpful for him to know in the beginning, but I didn’t even think about it.

Fast forward to this year, we have a tree, but it’s an artificial one we purchased a couple of years ago. when we finally moved into a house where we could store a Christmas tree year round. So we’ve compromised. I still get a tree, but it’s easier to put up (No sap, no pokey needles, no watering, it’s not expensive), so Adam doesn’t have anything to complain about.

My aunt gave us a new ornament a few weeks ago, complete with our names and the year, and yes, it went proudly on our Christmas tree.

Another testament of God’s love and faithfulness in our life.

The Unknown Artist

A couple of months ago I popped a CD into the player of my new-to-me car.

(Sidenote: Am I totally dating myself by saying I still listen to CDs and that my car actually has a CD player? Probably).

The album that I was listening to was by a well-known musician, singer and songwriter with a prolific career spanning six decades.

And yet I had to giggle because when I popped the CD into the stereo the touchscreen on my car registered the CD as by an ‘Unknown Artist’ and the song title as ‘Unknown Title’.

Now if I happened to make an album and played it on my car stereo the title ‘Unknown Artist’ would be embarrassingly correct, because I am, in fact, unknown when it comes to my musical talents.

I am an unknown artist when it comes to making music. And I am an unknown artist when it comes to many things in my life; my bookbinding skills or mixed media art, my dancing or aromatherapy blends or my writing haven’t exactly gained me fame or fortune. I am ok with this because I don’t do these things because they’ll put me in the spotlight. I do them because I, one, enjoy them and two, I can’t help it, it’s who I am.

Sometimes I feel unknown when I’m making art and yes, even though I do things for enjoyment and because it’s who I am, being ‘unknown’ can seem discouraging when I’m creating. Obviously sharing my work on social media can help with this, not doing it for recognition, but out of a true desire to share with others what I am making. That does lighten the feeling of aloneness at times.

Maybe you, like me, feel this aspect of ‘unknown’ in your art and creativity. Even though you, like me, may do it for enjoyment and because it is an extension of who you are, there is this sense of ‘Who sees? Who else will enjoy this besides me?’.

In those times when I feel alone, unknown and perhaps discouraged I have to think of the One who sees all, the One who knows all. The One who created me in His image, the one who made me to be creative, like Him. And even though I may go through my life as an ‘unknown’ artist’ to the majority of the world, I am, and my creativity is, known and loved by the One who matters most.

If that is true for me, then it is surely true for you too, my friend.

When I am Angry…

When I am angry all my creativity goes out the window.

Does anyone else experience this?

I get a lot of energy, but it doesn’t come out in creative ways because I’m too angry and distraught inside to think clearly and to focus.

When I am angry usuallly the best thing for me to do is go for a walk. A nice long walk. A fast walk. To get my energy out.

Inside myself, I rant and rave at the situation as I walk. It helps me to process things. It helps me to see things from a different perspective…to work things out and then I can get all my energy out and cool down (Until I’m ticked off again).

Does anyone else experience this?

Today, I was angry. Mad. Mad at myself mostly. I thought I was doing something good for my business and then it turned out that it wasn’t the best thing and I have no one to blame but myself since I’m the only one who works on my business.

I made a mistake that cost me a bit and yes, it was a financial issue. And I am probably making a bigger deal over what happened than needs to be, but I really was angry at myself. After it happened I was like, ‘How can I treat myself gently in this situation?? No one is yelling at me. This cost me a little bit, but is it really that big of a deal?’

(When you run a small company like mine, even a little bit can be a big deal).

I’m still wrestling with this, how to treat myself gently in this situation.

Yes, I went for a walk, which helped, but I’m still wrestling inside.

When I am angry sometimes it takes me a little bit to get over it.

Does anyone else experience this?

When I am angry sometimes I write. Which may explain why I’m writing this now. Like walking, it helps me process.

Does anyone else experience this?