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Does a Salad need Lettuce?

Last night at dinner we were having a salad.

“I always put too much lettuce in”, I said, looking at the salad.

“But it’s a salad. It’s supposed to have lettuce,” said Adam.

“Does a salad have to have lettuce?”, I asked. It was a serious question. But then I was like, “I know. It is a salad. It should have lettuce”. Resigning myself to the fact that it is indeed a salad and it *should* have lettuce.

But REALLY? Does a salad HAVE to have lettuce? (I think the answer is no, in fact, I’ve eaten plenty of salads that didn’t).

What I’m asking is really: Do things HAVE to be a certain way? Does art always have to be like that? Does music always have to have a verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus? Does poetry always have to rhyme or follow some sort of pattern? Do you always have to do things a certain way in a certain order for it to have a certain outcome? Does a salad really HAVE to have lettuce in order to be a salad? (I’m asking a lot of absolutes here, I realize).

“Does everything have a formula?

The way in which things work best?

If you break the formula,

You have a mess.

Keep to the formula and life will work out.

Art is not only a discipline,

But there are rules,

And breaking them

Creates chaos

For the consumer.

Lines, shape, color, negative space, poetry rhythms,

storylines, music composition, mathematics, business, dance,

The formulas are all there.

Even the natural world, the universe,

A complex rhythm of formulas,

All working together.

The surface may look ike there’s no order,

But dig deep and you will see

There’s a formulas for everything

(Even you and me)”

Is there a natural way that things have to work? Algorthims, a recipe, a form, a pattern, the way that things have work in order to have a certain outcome?

No and yes.

No, because there is freedom in expression, and expressing ourselves in art. We can do whatever we like, there’s no right or wrong way, it’s what we make it, it’s how we like it.

But yes. If I try to bind a book contrary to a certain formula (And there are lots of them), it won’t necessarily be a book, will it? I can use different materials (Leather, fabric, wood, paper, etc), but the essence is the same. It’s a book. You can read it left to right or right to left, it can have words or pictures, be interactive, a manual for reference or a school texbook, but the essence is the same. It’s a book. There are pages bound together that you can flip through; which makes it a book.

I find myself in the tension of formulas vs. freedom a lot. I agreed with my husband that a salad did indeed need to have lettuce, but something in me was just resigning myself to that. I either didn’t want to argue, or kew that the conventional American salad was with mostly lettuce and veggies.

There is a process in the way I make books. And I’ve found it. I like it. A forumula for making journals gives me freedom to create within a boundary. There is no boundary to the cover design or what I put IN the actual journal (Pockets, folded pages, pictures, words, memorabilia, found items, etc), but the process of making it is the essentially the same. Which leads to structure and confidence in my art.

If I have no structure, no process, no forumla, no boundaries, then it’s just chaos. Right? As I said in my poem, breaking the ‘rules’ ‘creates chaos for the consumer’ (Whether or not we are selling our art, if we share it with someone, that person becomes the consumer).

If we create chaotic art, then do we have confidence in what we’re doing? If I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to binding a book, the process seems messy and stressful and the outcome may not be what I hoped, However, if I DO know what I’m doing, have a process and formula, a GUIDE, a set of steps to lead me through the creating of a new art piece, then I can confidently go to work on it, enjoy myself while doing it and have a relatively pleasing outcome.

And yet, I’m all in favor of pushing those boundaries, even though pushing boundaries is a weakness in me. I don’t do it. Or if I do, I certainly don’t do it often enough.

Half the time I’m just trying to get what I see in my head OUT of my head. I don’t necessarily think my personal process of making journals is exactly pushing any type of boundaries in the bookbinding world. But I enjoy it. And maybe as I continue to gain more skill pushing boundaries will come and I can create new boundaries.

Again, doing the best with where we’re at.

Creative Hinderances: Time

One of the things that hinders creativity for me, and leads to frustration, is not giving myself enough TIME.

Like, maybe choosing the wrong, or not the best, time to do things, to start a project, work on a project or try to ‘get something done’.

Choosing a better time to create can help with alleviating some creative frustration.. If I know I have a meeting in half an hour, it may not be the best time to work on a project. Or, do something quick, something you know will only take a few minutes to get through. I’m a big fan of doing little things here and there, because as I’ve said before, the little things add up to the big things. Doing the 1% is huge. But if I feel like I’m battling against frustration in the creative realm, I’m looking at things that may hinder that and not allowing myself enough time to get a project done, started or worked on, can definitely be a hinderance.

For example, I was with a friend having lunch earlier this year. She likes to cook & so do I. We were talking about making stuffed pasta, shells, manicotti, etc. I told her I had only made manicotti once and I’d probably never do it again because it was a MESS. I was frustrated because the filling kept coming out of the other end of the pasta — I’d fill it and out it came. 😦 I even told Adam when he got home to enjoy dinner because I was never making manicotti again. My friend was like, ‘Really? I love making sutffed pasta; it’s so relaxing just standing there, putting the filling in.” And I’m thinking, Relaxing? Because my experience was anything BUT. And then I realized, I probably didn’t leave myself enough TIME to do it properly. I mentioned that to my friend, and her eyes lit up and was like, ‘Yes. To do stuffed pasta RIGHT, you have to give yourself TIME.’

Isn’t that like with a lot of things, specificially creative endeavors? If you don’t allow yourself enough time, frustration is bound to happen. You see this beautiful finish to all your hard work, or you have an end goal in mind, but if you rush through it, the end is sloppy, disappointing, messy and not what you envisioned.

So, TIME. Give yourself time. What is hindering you from giving yourself the time and space you need to accomplish your creaitve goals and see it through to the beautiful finish you imagine?

Unpacking Frustration More

I’ve been writing a lot about being frustrated with my creativity and where I’m at in regards to expressing myself through artistic mediums and creative endeavors.

But what exactly IS frustration? I know the feeling, but what does the word ‘frustration’ actually mean?

According to the American Heritage College dictionary, the definition of ‘Frustrate’ is: 1a. To prevent from accomplishing a purpose or fulfilling a desire; thwart, 1b. To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement, 2. To make ineffectual or invalid; nullify.

This definition describes exactly how I’ve been feeling in terms of self-expression and creativity, so yes, ‘frustration’ IS what I’m going through. I feel like, sometimes, more often than not, I am prevented, thwarted, discouraged and made ineffectual in my creative endeavors.

But this begs the questions: What is making me frustrated? Who or what is causing the frustration? Something has to MAKE me or CAUSE me to have the feelings of frustration.

Is it my lack of skill? Lack of time? Self-negativity and negative thoughts about myself and the gifts God has given to me? Is it because I feel I am being held back…by WHO, or by WHAT? Money? Time? Talent? Skill?

Maybe identifying those things and dealing with those things, acknowledging them for what/who they are and then pushing past them, dealing with them, so I can move forward, move on, past feelings of frustration, discouragement, feeling like my art is nullified, looked over, passed over, disregarded….not ‘creative’ enough.

Is there an example of Biblical frustration? What does the Bible say about frustration?

From my quick search, it doesn’t look like much. God frustrates the plans of the wicked about sums it up. It says more about ‘discouragement’ than ‘frustration’. And funnily enough, the verses about discouragement are actually encouraging!

Maybe God is telling me to not be frustrated, have grace with myself, it’s going to be OK. I may be frustrated right now, but keep pressing on and things may change.

The Eyes Have It

You know how at the beginning of 20/20 we were all excited about the ‘eye’ jokes that were coming this year…?

COVID has overshadowed that. Obviously. However…

We are all now wearing masks.

And when you wear a mask over your face, what do you see?

Your EYES.

So, really, 2020 is still all about the eyes.

I’m not sure if there is any real spiritual significance or ‘insight’ to that fact, but I think it is an interesting thing to think about and something that I noticed.

Starting Somewhere Again

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I’ve been back to my day job the past couple of weeks and it’s sucking all my creative time and, dare I say, creative energy.

It’s hard to feel like I haven’t lost my creative zone that I was in during the Stay at Home order. I know I said that I should look at it as something I’ve gained instead of lost, but when you’re in the middle of it, it really feels like a loss. I feel like I’ve lost much of what I’ve gained creatively in April.

I’m really trying not to get in a funk about it, if I’m really honest.

This week I’m going back down to three days a week, instead of the five I had been working. I was originally hired for three days, but the company was down a person the past two weeks so I was able to fill in. But this week, back to three. I’m sorry and I’m not sorry. I desperately need to get things done on my business (Soap to make, new packaging details to work out, admin stuff to do, etc), however, the money from the extra days was nice to have and would still be nice.

I feel like I’m caught between money, time, energy and creativeness.

And I feel like it’s been that way for much of my adult life. I need to work, working is good, I need money to live, so I work a job. But I’m frustrated creatively. But if I don’t work and have time to put toward creative stuff, I don’t have money (Or less of it) and then I feel like I”m not DOING anything.

It’s a toss up, a condundrum, a rock and a hard place, a something something. A situation I find myself in often, or feel like I find myself there often.

I’ve been trying to keep up as much as possible with doing the morning pages. Because no matter what I do during the day, those seem to help. For whatever reason.

I’ve wanted to do something artistic depiciting the condundrum of time, money and energy and how they play together. But I haven’t, yet.

I’m started to feel a creative frustration again, a creative build up, if you will. Hoping that going down to three days a week at work will allow for some of that to be released again.

This seems like kind of a pointless blog post, but I also feel like I need to start somewhere again. The thoughts have been there as I’ve been working, but I haven’t been able to capture them.

The Path of Trying

Adam is in the middle of another round of sourdough making.

He didn’t put in as much water as it called for and this looks the best dough so far of the three batches he’s made.

At the market today a customer said she was giving sourdough a try, but, like Adam was having trouble. The lady said she had a friend and it took her friend SIX tries to get a decent loaf.

On the way home we were talking about it, and I said, ‘The path is Trying ‘.

We can’t give up, we’re on the right path, the path is Trying. Trying it again. And, if need be, again, until we get it right.

So often we get discouraged on this path of Trying. ‘Is it worth it?’, ‘I feel like giving up’, etc.

But yes, I’m learning it IS worth it to keep trying.

Portfolio of Gifts

Someone, a long time ago, told me that God had put a ‘portfolio of gifts’ in me.

And I’ve been wrestling with that word ever since it was spoken.

It was spoken in January of 2006 at a YWAM base in England where I had been living for the previous two years. I actually had just returned from a five month stay in India and then a two month stay at home, back in the States. While in India the Lord had spoken to me very clearly and told me to, in essence, go back to the States and not go back to where I had been living in England.

I was back in England for a week only to collect my belongings and say good bye to my friends. During that week I went to the all-staff meeting; a time of prayer, communication, worship and fellowship. During the meeting there were a few of us who were moving on from the base and there was a sweet time of prayer and prophesy. In among a lot of the words that were spoken over me was that one…that there was a ‘portfolio’ of gifts in me that will combine into something full time.

And I went back home, got a part time job, went to a dance school in Montana for nine months, ministered overseas with dance, and then came back home.

And I’ve been home ever since. Back in STL. There have been ministry opportunities, some short term mission trips, dancing with GHOP every week for eight years, serving refugees at Oasis for twelve years now…and still, off and on for the past fourteen years this ‘portfolio of gifts’ word pops up and I wonder…when it’s going to happen. When this ‘portfolio of gifts’ will blossom into the ‘something full time’.

‘Is this it?’, I have wondered over and over as new things pop up and start and then fade again and I still find myself a frustrated creative trying to find space where I can grow and flourish and have something I feel like I can offer people creatively that will lead them to Jesus. When it this ‘creative ministry’ (As I’m just now calling it) going to actually happen?

And maybe it has happened and is happening. Maybe I’ve been working in it for fourteen years between Oasis, GHOP and STOs. But I still feel like there’s MORE. A refining of my creative gifts and skills; things that God has put on my heart to do that do actually require practice, patience and learning.

And I don’t have to have a creative ministry to lead people to Jesus, I just need…Jesus….

Frustration & Sourdough

There seems to be a build up of creativity in me, of words to say, of things to write, that happens on days that I have to work at my day job.

And I think too much build up can lead to creative frustration. Or frustration inside of me as a creative person.

My husband got on the sourdough bandwagon a couple weeks ago. He spent a good week getting a sourdough starter together. His first batch of bread turned out very dense and chewy and didn’t rise well. The taste was good, but it was just kind of hard to eat.

His second batch, which he did this past weekend, didn’t turn out much better. The crust was really nice and flaky, the taste even better than his first bake, however it rose even less than before. I called it, with all due respect, a bread cracker.

The starter is good, but he thinks he’s adding too much water so it doesn’t shape well and then he has to add more flour in order to actually shape it. Which means he looses his rise he had built up over the course of the day.

Sunday morning before breakfast I could hear him getting so frustrated, so angry at the dough because it wasn’t shaping well, all his hard work that he did the day before to get a good rise went out the window and I knew how he felt.

How something that he worked really hard on wasn’t turning out the way he expected, wanted, dreamed, hoped it would.

I can so relate to that.

Because that’s how I’ve been feeling about my soapmaking process the past four or five years. Not knowing exactly how much essential oil to put in, what clays, herbs and powders to put in to make it look pretty and slightly exfoliant without making it too harsh for your skin, from a bad batch of lye where I had to chuck the whole batch of soap out the window, from soap that seized on me, from soap that just didn’t look good when it was finished, from soap that turned ashy and didn’t go through the gel phase…ugh. Years. Literally, years. And the frustrattion from those years oftentimes made me want to quit. And I knew how my husband felt as he’s trying to work the dough and saying, ‘I just want to give up. I’m done.’’

I told my husband, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.’ It’s an old saying, and I wondered as I said it, how many times do we have to ‘try, try again’ in order for it (Whatever creative pursuit we are doing) to actually succeed? And what does success actually look like? In Adam’s case, a nice chewy sourdough with a flaky crust, but that isn’t dense.

I also wondered how comforting was it for Adam to have me actually say that. Did it sound trite? Was it comforting, encouraging, motivating? Because when we really, really work hard on something and are disappointed, trite sayings don’t really cut through the pain in our heart and make us feel better.

I know the frustration, the disappointment. I know what wanting to give up feels like. But, in the case of soap, I’m getting to the point, dare I say it, where it’s getting eaiser. It’s still a process, but I’ve gotten a feel for it so much so that I can make a batch of soap and have it turn out really, really good.

Again, it’s a process. And we’re all doing the best we can with where we’re at.
We are going to try again with the sourdough; I say ‘we’ because after two disappointments we’re in this thing together. Maybe not add as much water as the receipe says. Trial and error. We know what doesn’t work; now let’s figure out what does work. I’m sure we will get this and one day, hopefully soon, have a decent sourdough.

Finding the Process

I had a breakthrough a couple of years ago. Maybe two? So, summer of 2018? Maybe…the date is fuzzy. But, I clearly remember that Adam had a bride show that day. It was at the end of July. A nice summer afternoon, a Sunday. So, because he had a bride show, I went to the park. Brought a journal, brought a book on how to make handmade books. I felt determined. I had ideas floating around in my head that I hadn’t been able to bring out in regards to bookbinding. I was frustrated. I wanted to learn how to make books and make them WELL. Not just using cardboard from a cereal box in lieu of Davey board because I didn’t want to buy the real stuff, or thought I couldn’t afford it. If you don’t have proper materials, how can you really learn?

That summer afternoon I felt frustrated and determined. I took my journal, my blanket, my handmade book book, my water bottle, probably my Bible, maybe a novel (Because that’s what I do) and sat in the park with my back against a tree (Again, something I just do. It’s my place).

Looking at the book on books. “Maybe I should just start at the beginning again….”, I thought.

But NO! I mean, really. I’ve been wanting to learn how to do this properly and I had, over the past few years, already gone through the book, from the beginning, and tried each binding at least once. Using cereal box cardboard and random paper bits I had lying around, sewing thread in place of linen thread, etc. Enough is enough.

“No…I don’t need to start at the beginning. Besides, although folding paper and books is a good way to start, I’ve done it. I’ve done it off and on over the years, I don’t need to start at the beginning yet again.”

So, I flipped to where the coptic bound books were. The multi-signatures on a rounded spine. The long stitch. The coptic with paired needles. The secret belgian. I wrote down what books I wanted to try. Like, for real, try.

It was a breakthrough for me. It was as if I suddenly realized that I CAN do this. The desire is already there, it’s just saying that I have laid a foundation already and that I can build on that foundation. It don’t have to go back to the start and start all over again.

So, over the course of the next year or so I did get some proper Davey board, some real linen thread, etc. And I worked through making the books that I had written down that day. And I got better. Slowly at first. I made practice journals. I took out a few books on making books from the library and that helped to glean ideas and skill from. In fact, I got one book on sewing crafts from crafters around the world and in it was a bookbinder from England who made the loveliest books. Following her instructions in that specific book transformed my books from thin ones (Say, 6 signatures, 16 pg folio each) to thicker ones (10 signatures, 24 pg folio). The difference was dramatic. It felt REAL. It felt weighty. It felt like I was holding something that was WORTH something. There was nothing wrong with the thinner books, but they were just…thin. Lightweight. Small. But these thicker ones…oh, my!

And from there…now that I had a process of making the book block; a nice, thick, heavy book block…the covers started taking place. THIS is what I had in my head that needed to come out. I’ve always loved sewing, loved fabric, loved prints, colors…especially vintage, upcycled fabric. Love. How can I merge my love of bookmaking AND my love of upcyced fabric?

Iron on adhesive changed that for me. I feel like ‘real’ bookbinders, ones who use archival materials and leather and all that fancy stuff (Which is super cool and maybe one day I’ll work with leather and neat stuff like that) would probably faint dead away (But don’t! We need you!!) at the thought of iron on adhesive being used to make bookcloth and actually call it quality bookbinding (But maybe this is just me and I need to get over myself?!??), but using iron on adhesive has seriously, again, transformed my book making process. I love it. Now I CAN merge my love of making books and upcycled, vintage fabric and have the result be super, super satisfying. For SO LONG I have looked for the HOW, the PROCESS, my OWN process of how I make books. My signature style. This process that I do to get what I’m thinking in my head out into the world (Birthing an idea). And, dare I say it, I’ve found it. Yes, this is where I’m at now, this is me doing the best I know how now, but I’ve found it. It may grow and change and evolve as things do, so I grow and change and get better at what I’m doing…half the time I feel like I’m still learning and growing and making things better. But I’ve found a process that works for me, doing something I like doing, merging several of the things I love into one practical craft. I love that blank books and journals are practical. I love how they can bring beauty to other people’s lives. I love using something that would have been discarded and giving it a second chance to bring joy to someone. It makes me happy. I write that, and part of me, the Censor, if you will, pops up it’s ugly head and says, ‘What about the comments, the criticism? What if someone doesn’t like your work? What if someone thinks your prices are too high?, etc.’ You know what? I don’t care.

One of the things that I’d love to do, and this is definitely something for me to keep exploring and growing in, is not only do I want to just make blank books, but I think filling them, like a junk journal, would be super fun too. I just haven’t really dived into that yet. Maybe one day. That way I can merge my love of patterned paper into everything else. It’s a process. But that is one area I would love to grow in.

Gained, Instead of Lost

As things slowly get back to ‘normal’ (Or a new normal) I’m tempted to think of all the things I will lose when things start back up again. Time lost, mostly. I’ll be doing other things so I won’t be able to do all the things I ‘want’ to do and build my skill level on bookbinding, or bring out what I see in my head as far as books/journals go. And there is lost time. And with lost time comes the potential to lose what I’ve gained during this time.

But really, I need to see it as how much I have gained during this season, not how much I may lose. Because I have gained a lot. I’ve gained a blog. I’ve gained time with my husband. I’ve gained a huge increase in my bookbinding skill set. I’ve gained new packaging on my business products. I’ve gained a trademark. I’ve gained confidence. I’ve gained a lot on my walk from self-negativity to freedom.

I’ve gained a lot. And I’m really, really thankful for that.