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Choices

I feel like I’ve been writing a lot about choices and choosing lately.

Choosing to walk in His liberty (Which may not look like our own).

Choosing to allow Him to set us free from comparison.

Choosing to look at other’s art as variety, and a gift and talent from Creator God.

Choosing to love.

There’s lots of choices we have to make everyday.

Decisions and choices can sometimes crowd our day and can be very stressful.

I am not one who makes decisions easily. I can be a procrastinator. But I am, whether I know it or not, choosing to procrastinate, rather than choosing to actually work on an art project.

Choices. The choices we make every day, whether we are aware of them or not, really define who we are as people. They make up our life and our lifestyle. Am I going to have a lifestyle of procrastination, or of actually doing things? Even if it’s just the 1%.

Choosing to choose to walk in God’s freedom and liberty.

Choosing to choose to see others art as variety.

Choosing to choose to let Him set us free from comparison and self-negativity.

We have to choose to choose.

Liberty

“It is because we are not near enough to Thee to partake of Thy liberty that we want a liberty of our own different from Thine.” – George MacDonald

His liberty may look very different than ours. In fact, there is no ‘may’ about it. It does.

Thinking about freedom during this Stay at Home time. I may be free to go to the grocery store, but I don’t feel necessarily free when I’m wearing a mask while shopping.

This is coming from someone who is used to freedom of my own design. Of going where I want and when I want (To a point). Of being able to go on a Target run and not have to wait in line to get into the store. To go to my parents without having to stay six feet away from my parents or family.

So in all this, in a country where we are used to a freedom of our own making, all this feels very stilted, unnatural and unusual.

But even during this time, He can still give us freedom and liberty. He is not bound. His Spirit is free; always, forever, free. He is not bound. And He gives freedom of His own to His people…His liberty, His freedom.

The freedom of our choosing looks different than His. We can always be free when we are with Him, no matter what circumstance we are in (Stay at Home or not), but His Spirit, that is not bound can always give us liberty.

I want to choose His liberty, no matter where I am. No matter what I am doing. No matter the circumstance. Even if I have to go to the store wearing a mask, I can choose freedom.

Is freedom a feeling? Or a choice? Maybe the choice comes first and then the feeling. A lot like Love. We don’t always feel loving, but if we make the choice to love, then feelings may, or may not, follow. But we still have to choose to Love.

I think in the same way, if we are close to Him, if we choose to walk with Him every day, He will show us His liberty, and feelings of freedom will come.

Again, I think this is a half-baked idea, but I’m just putting it out there.

Empty Place

You ever feel like you’re in an empty place? Where you’ve given, and given, and given and have given all you have to give and are done? Are empty? Are completely and utterly spent?

I feel like I’m in that place now. Maybe it’s more than a feeling. I am in that place now. Where the years of giving have taken their toll. Where the years of doing things I don’t want to do have taken their toll. The years of giving when I don’t want to give, of saying yes to things I really want to say no to, have taken their toll.

And I’m empty. I’m spent. In an empty place with absolutely nothing left to give.

Maybe you feel that way about your art. You’ve given all you have to give to a project and it hasn’t turned out the way you thought it would and you’re done. You have nothing left to give to this project, to this piece, to this painting, to this idea that you thought would be so great. And you’re done. You can’t give any more. It’s taken everything that you have and you have nothing left.

Sometimes I feel that God takes too. That He demands and doesn’t give back anything He takes. He demands it all and He’ll have all. It’s all His anyway. He gives and takes as He pleases. He is God after all.

I feel like that’s a really mixed up, untrue theology and maybe it is. But maybe that is how I feel right now.

And if that’s how I feel, I think God can handle it. He is God after all. All-knowing, all-seeing. He can handle my emotions and feelings.

It’s not to say that people haven’t given to me, because they have. But sometimes those gifts feel few and far between.

I feel like people expect me to give. ‘She gives because that’s just who she is’. Always asking what I can bring to a party, watching other people’s children without pay, serving at church, volunteering…giving all I can to a job, sometimes barely making ends meet but still giving anyway. Because I want to be a giver.

And I can’t always fill myself up. If I give, how can I fill myself up to give more? I need someone else to take care of filling me up. Or at least helping out.

Maybe I give because I think that I’m earning something in heaven. This world is temporary anyway, so why put any stock in it? I’m saving up treasure in heaven by giving. Isn’t that the way it works?

But maybe again that theology is wrong.

Maybe I’m just questioning a lot of things right now.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think we all have to go through times of questioning and doubting.

But do these questions and doubts leave us empty too?

Maybe this whole COVID thing has just gotten me all messed up…because it has messed up a lot of things (Understatement of the year).

Maybe this time in my life is just all a part of the healing process. Last week was so peaceful, working on bookbinding, working on creating covers…being in the zone of creativity. It was lovely.

It’s funny how peace can turn into turmoil so quickly and vice versa. Peace into turmoil, turmoil into peace.

Can emptiness turn into fullness…and fullness emptiness?

Maybe life is just a bunch of oxymorons.

At this point I know this is a ridiculously long blog post, but I don’t really care. I’m not editing. This is just me.

So many times recently I have seen signs (Even in people’s yards) that say, “Don’t give up.”

“Don’t give up/Don’t give in/If you don’t quit/You win”.

How do I win in a place of emptiness? How do you keep going when you feel like you have nothing left to give?

Sometimes I think it really is in giving up. But not necessarily giving up. Surrender. The Christian word for ‘Giving up’ is ‘Surrender’.

Being ‘set apart’ and ‘social distancing’ is, in a way, ‘Sanctification’

Surrender. Sanctification. Maybe that is the key to emptiness and feeling like you have nothing left to give. It’s in surrendering anything you ‘may’ have left and letting yourself be sanctified by the surrendering process.

Is surrendering a process? Or is it a one time act? Or a series of small acts during a season of life? Or a series of small acts over several seasons of life? Is the Christian life just one of constant surrender to God in no matter what phase of life, or season of life, you may find yourself in?

It’s not about me anyway. I mean, this whole life thing isn’t about me. So what if I feel empty? It’s not about how I feel. But feelings, in the Christian world are valid. Or, check that, my feelings are valid to God, no matter what anyone else thinks about them (Christian or no).

So, if I’m feeling empty, it’s ok. No, life isn’t about me, but God validates my feelings because He is a God of feeling. God feels. I’m made in His image (Body, soul, spirit), so therefore I feel. And that’s ok. Feelings are just feelings.

So God cares that I feel empty, even if life isn’t about me. He put me here on this earth for a reason, for a purpose. I had no choice, no control over where I was born at, who my parents were, when I was born, what city I was born in, what time in history I came into this world…all these things I had no control over. I believe they were divinely set by His all-knowing, all-seeing, beginning-to-ending plan through the entire history of the world, before and after this world existed and will exist.

So here I am, in the man-made year of 2020, stuck at home without a paying job because of a disease that is rampaging throughout the entire world. And I’m frustrated. And I feel stuck. And I feel empty. Because I had just gotten a new part-time job when COVID hit…finally feeling that we’d ‘maybe’ have money…maybe feeling like I could finally spend a little on our new house…maybe feeling like life was looking up…and now I’m stuck in a situation that I have no control over. That we have no control over. Feeling a little hit. Like life just gave me (us) a punch in the stomach. ‘Take that.’ The devil doesn’t fight fair and he will hit you when you’re down.

Surrender. Sanctification. God knows, God sees, He’s not unaware of how I feel, or what the situation is. There is more to come after this season of life. I think trusting Him comes in to play a lot here. Have to trust Him even when I feel hit, even when I feel empty, even when I feel out-of-control, even when everything seems to have gone to hell-in-a-handbasket…trusting Him in the midst of chaos and emptiness.

So, I will surrender and trust Him in this sanctification process. He is always good, and I can trust Him.

Variety & One Thing

I had a dream several years ago, that there was a platter of really big cookies in front of me. All the cookies were different. Colorful chocolate pieces, snickerdoodles, chocolate chunk, sugar, etc., etc. I wanted one of each kind. So I started putting one of each on my plate. I think I had seven cookies already and reached for another. And then I hesitated. ‘I shouldn’t want more than one or maybe two…” I felt I had to hold myself back from getting more.

I think, for me, that dream was really significant in the fact that I love variety and there is so much I want to do and try and learn and yet I hold myself back thinking, “Oh, I shouldn’t want to do that”, or “I’ve got too much on my plate already”.

There is really nothing wrong with wanting to be able to do a lot of things or have a lot of skills.

I think wanting to do and learn and grow is a very good thing. I think we all should be lifelong learners.

But how good can we be if we spread ourselves out too thin? How can we master something if we’re trying to master everything? It doesn’t really work.

I have this tendency to want to do everything at one time and I try to do everything at one time. I have an idea and I want to do that idea Now. And I get impatient and ahead of myself and get too much going and get bogged down. And I don’t do it properly, or don’t have the proper equipment or tools and then I get frustrated, which leads to discouragement and then I go browse on IG and see all the cool, ‘perfect’ things other people are doing which leads to comparison which leads to depression. It’s a vicious cycle sometimes. Not always. But at times.

Pulling back, slowing down, and realizing that I don’t have to do everything at one time is one key to avoiding frustration, comparison and even depression.

In fact, a couple of years ago God was very point blank with me and was like, “One thing at a time”. Now when He spoke this it wasn’t specificially in relation to my art or projects. It was more life in general. And I knew what He meant and I really needed to hear it.

But this same concept can easily apply to art. And I think it needs to be. Or I need to apply it to my art specifically.

I have lot of projects going. How can I do them all?

A practical key, besides slowing down and not doing EVERYTHING at once, is being deliberate in putting a timer on for one hour and focusing on one thing that hour (Or half hour, or however long).

Then switch projects the next hour. And focus on that for an hour.

Then next hour, focus on something else.

The power of doing the 1%. If I do 1% each day, by the end of the year I’ve done 365%, which means I can get a lot of projects done.

If I get 1% done one each of my projects every day, I’m well on my way to having a lot of projects completed.

Try it.

I’m going to put that into practice now. See ya.

Variety, not Comparison

My brain has been thinking a lot about comparison, self-negativity and self-criticism the past few days.

Along the lines of comparison…I had a thought last night. I think it was a God thought.

What if….instead of looking at my blog, my IG feed, my style, my art, my life and comparison with what another person is doing…why not think of it as VARIETY?

As appreciating gift and talents that a Creator God gave to others who are just expressing themselves the best they know how?

Why don’t I see it as, not as comparison, like I have to somehow ‘catch up’ or ‘be better’ or ‘what I do isn’t good enough’…instead look at it as Variety.

I love variety. I really do. And if I love variety, variations, versions…why don’t I see it like that?

I think one of the reasons we struggle with comparison and not seeing it as variety is that often we learn as kids in school from teachers or at home from parents, that we have to be just like so-and-so (And if we’re not, that’s bad). ‘Why can’t you be more like…’ or in art class, That person’s art was hung up on the wall, but mine wasn’t…or even “I see it like This!! but it’s coming out like That?!?”

I think it really comes down to a choice. Maybe we’ve been taught or learned that what we do isn’t good enough and so we’ve fallen into the trap of comparion (Like me). But I think one of the ways we can combat comparison is by choosing to think of what others do as beautiful variety and learn to appreciate the gifts and talents a Creator God gave them.

Comparing Myself to Myself

This thought just occured to me this morning. A lot of times I compare myself with myself.

Comparison is a killer. Even when I don’t compare myself to someone else and what they’re doing, I still compare myself to myself. And that’s still a killer.

For example. Yesterday I had a good day. Productive. Got a lot done. Working on projects. I:

Blogged (Where this is coming from, I’ve no idea, but I’m doing it); got two posts scheduled and drafted six.
Finished illustrating a Psalm
Started working on a quilt top (Even though I’ve sworn I’m done with quilts I have all this beautiful fabric stashed away in cubbies and I need to SEE it. It makes me happy and it doesn’t make me happy when it’s all stuffed in cubbies)
Made two book covers (This takes a LONG time. Lots of decision making, style, design, cutting, ironing, etc), plus glued them to the Davey board, and put end papers on them. They are under weights now.
Took a lot of snapshots of the book cover making process.
And little odds ‘n ends things for my business, like posting on IG, posting a video to FB, getting an IG Story together, etc. The, to me, boring stuff, but has to be done.

So, I had a good day. Peaceful. Adam was at home, working. Listening to 70’s/80’s rock as I’m working. It was really nice.

Got to the end of the day and I’m looking forward to tomorrow, where, again, I can get a lot of stuff done.

But wait. No day is the same. What if I got a lot done today, but tomorrow everything falls apart? What if I wake up on the wrong side of the bed? What if I’m crabby, cranky, or cold (Yes. Cold) or have no motivation, or any number of things.

I can’t necessarily expect to get a lot done tomorrow just because I got a lot done today.

So, enter the thought: I can’t compare myself with myself.

And SO often I do.

I compare one day to the next. One season of life to another. Or think, “When I was in this season of life I did XYZ, so I’m sure I can do XYZ again”, even though practically, I know I can only do X & Y. And so get disappointed and compare myself to myself.

There’s nothing wrong with having expectations, or goals, or dreams or ambitions or trying…it’s when I push myself too hard, have way too high expectations, don’t give myself grace, or see the past with rose-colored glasses and want to recreate a specific time in my life is when I start the comparison game.

It’s hard not to compare myself with myself, with one phase of life to another. But I think it comes down to trying to love myself, where I’m at. And give grace to myself.

A daily practice of loving where you’re at. Of loving where I’m at.

At the phase, the place, the space, the season of life where you’re at.

And man, this is hard. But it’s like what I was saying the other day. This is Kingdom life. This is making the choice to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, strength, love others and love ourselves in the process.

It’s a choice to not compare myself with others or with myself.

I can do it. You can do it.

Whom the Son sets Free

I’ve never really identified with this verse, ‘Whom the Son sets free is free indeed’.

I’m a beliver in Jesus, so of course Jesus has set me free from sin, death, selfishness, etc. It goes without saying. I am free. Enough said, move on.

But, last night, I was thinking of this verse specifically in conjunction with the self-negativity and self-criticism I desire to be free from. Has the Son set me free from that?

Does the Son pick and chooses who He sets free? Does He pick and choose not only Who he sets free, but What He sets them free from?

I don’t necessarily think so. He has offered freedom to everyone. He has set everyone free, but have they ACCEPTED that freedom? Have they allowed the Son to set them free?

Have I ALLOWED the Son to set me free?

Have I ALLOWED the Son to set me free from self-negativity and self-criticism? Especially in the area of art?

In the area of style?

Design?

Business?

Have I ALLOWED the Son to set me free?

I think the answer, for me, right now is No. I haven’t. I”m still living in the caverns of self-negativity, self-doubt, self-criticism, scared of others and their comments. Scared of what people will think.

Do I live in the freedom that the Son has given me? Again, the answer would be, right now, No.

But HOW do I allow the Son to set me free? How does Jesus set us free? (And not just from the obvious sin, death, Satan, etc)

By How, I think it’s more focusing on things that are true, lovely, pure, right…to have your mind renewed daily by His Word…by having a true relationship with God, a Father/Child relationship and not Master/Servant (Which is where I tend to live)…

‘Whom the Son sets free…’

Have you ALLOWED the Son to set you free? To find true freedom?

Whom the Son sets free…

The Son has set us free…

I feel that this needs to be explored more…that this is only a half-baked idea. So maybe I will put this half-baked idea out there and either write more later, or change this post as needed.

Comparison & Criticism

Last week I started illustrating the Psalms. I’ve always wanted to do it. My goal: Write and illustrate a Psalm a day.

Day Two: It quickly became aparent to me that I wasn’t going to fill the goal of a Psalm a day. There was too much other stuff I wanted or needed to do during the day. I didn’t want to sit and write/illustrate a Psalm for four hours a day. Even with telling myself my new motto: “It’s not supposed to be perfect”, it still took a long time.

And I wrestle through, ‘Someone else could draw this better’. But so what? It’s my drawing, my interpretation of the Psalm in illustration form, it’s my personal project, who cares if someone else can do it better/differently? This is what I am doing at the moment and that’s all that matters.

One of the things in The Artists Way, as I was flipping through, browsing it, yesterday, was what are the things that the criticism inside me is saying? Which one did I identify with? The only ones I identified really with were ‘I don’t have good enough ideas’ and ‘I will never have any real money’.

The first one, I think more pertains to the voice that is saying, “It’s not good enough. Someone else can do that better than you. You don’t really know what you’re doing. You’re self-taught and you don’t have enough money to put into getting the right materials to do the job properly’, etc.

Or ‘Someone else wouldn’t cut corners like that. They’d do it right. They have more formal training than you.’

Or ‘What you do anyone else can do too. It’s not hard. You’re not creative enough. You’re just doing things by the book and not branching out.’

Or ‘Hers looks like that! And mine looks like…this??!?’

All these things I wrestle with at one time or another. Sometimes on a daily basis. Sometimes not. Sometime I care too much. Sometimes I don’t care at all.

The goal, really, is starting to be comfortable with my art as my art and NOT comparing myself to others. What I do is what I do. And silencing the critic inside me.

But man, is this hard.

It’s renewing your mind; it’s choosing to think on the pure, lovely things, it’s not being hard on yourself when you’re learning, or thinking you ‘should’ have mastered this by now. It’s so many things inside you that are hard to do, hard to wrestle with, hard to choose on a daily, even moment-by-moment basis. This is being a Jesus follower, this is being an Kingdom artist, this is living your best life for Him, heart, soul, mind and strength.

Comparison

Comparison is a killer.

Comparing my art, my blog, my business, my social media feed, my house, my style, my decorating, my kids, my life to someone elses is a killer.

In January I told myself that this would be the year I would (With God’s help) try to break free from the trap of comparison.

It’s now April, and the world has turned upside down, and all my best laid plans for self-improvement and kicking comparison out of my life, have gone out the window.

Plans changing may not be a bad thing. Especially if it is our man-made ones. However, I can still try to be free of comparison. I think writing this blog may be helping to sort out some of my thoughts on the subject.

To be continued.